8 years of....

blogging about my thoughts and just life. Always amazes me each year comes about and I wonder how it is possible to have blogged and shared my life that long. I look back at entries and cringe, laugh, cry and remember with fondness many wonderful moments. I know my blog has changed throughout the years. I used to share a lot more of my life and just emotions. But frankly now I am pretty damn happy and owned by an extraordinary man. I am grateful to have the chance to share this journey with Him. So it isn't my first thought to blog and get whatever out because I am there with him sharing and experiencing life and the emotions that come with it. But I am thankful for everyone that reads and has read throughout the years. I thank you for your wonderful emails and comments. I count myself blessed because not only did my blog help me keep true to myself but it lead me to meeting some really wonderful people and creating some great friendships. Thank you!

And always ending on my tradition...
The Velveteen Rabbit:
"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you..."

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful.

"When you are Real, you don't mind being hurt...It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

2006 in Review

Last year I decided to take part in Wintercount that I found via Danger and Mayhem: The Winter Count was a Native American tradition that helped keep the history of the tribe before they had written records. It usually consisted of pictographs showing major events from the year. Each year, when the new winter count was done, the person responsible for the count would tell the story of the previous counts, passing it down to the next generation, and then filling in new images and stories for the year that had just passed. You can see more examples of Winter Counts in the Library of Congress archives.

And don't feel I can do justice a post for each month so this is a year in review of sorts...

January
~ My parents came to visit. We had a nice visit.
~ Master bought lots of equipment that really got him started on his path to quitting his job.
~ Lots of dentist appointments for me.
~ Obsessed with Project Runway.


February
~ Celebrated 3 years with Master!
~ Unfortunately a really bad month for migraines - some of my worst ever


March
~ nothing really of significance except Master and I had bad colds

April
~ a friend of ours died

May
~ our friend dying affected not only grieving for her loss but Master seeing he needed to live his life and pursue his passion. So he made the decision that he would be giving notice to his job and start his own business

June
~ beginning of June Master gave his notice
~ I worked on lots of art

July
~ Master's "retirement" from his job and the start of his business

August
~ Master had lots of work with his new business right away
~ I had lots of work with his new business
~ Master hurt his knee
~ admitting I was depressed to myself

September
~ I made a big step forward in putting myself out there as an artist
~ Donated my hair to locks of love

October
~ We went on a trip and were gone for almost 3 weeks
~ My Grandmother turned 90
~ I had my birthday and turned 39
~ discussions of depression and being burnt out

November
~ Some upswings on the depression so that was a good thing

December
Well it is still going on but it will turn out to be a very good month!

(ps: the photos are my art - not great photos of them...I need to start asking Master to take pictures of them.)

5 Years of Blogging

Yes...yes it is 5 years of blogging. It seems longer actually to me. I was reading random entries from the last 5 years. It was kind of odd...so much has happened in 5 years. I was looking through the entries making a list of things that happened that I wanted to point out or recall again. But there is so much. It has been a roller coaster ride. I am not sure how many people reading this have actually been around reading the full 5 years I have been blogging.

I started the blog as a positive step forward in allowing myself to be me. So that I could be real to myself. My thought was putting it all out there meant that I had to be true myself or otherwise anyone reading would know I wasn't. It also was to help me clarify my journey and to just keep track or recount my life's daily events. I was kind of floundering the summer before starting the blog. And was just starting to get a direction and able to just stand when I started the journal. It was still a tough time of it. But I was slowly making positive steps in making my life better. I was really getting solid in my work/business. I was enjoying it. In December 2000, things came to a head personally - and I made a line that I would not cross again. And it felt good and empowering.

And from there it just kept growing...sometimes being very superficial, other times expressing what moved me and yet other times exposing myself -- being raw and vulnerable. I have a lot of chaos to get to this point in my life...to have the serene peacefulness.

Over the years there has been many relationships in my life some for long term others for short terms. (I can see DM nodding her head in agreement wtih this one.) I have had adventures and excitement. I created a business and had it flourish. I have had painful break ups. I have had love and betrayal. I have joy and pain. But I also have had wonderful wonderful friends that I know I will count as friends always. I have the kind of friends that are there for you in the really hard times. And I grateful for all they have done for me through our friendship.

In that 5 years of blogging, Master found me. He actually read my blog for many months before contacting me....what a BRAVE BRAVE soul He was for contacting this girl who seemed to be on a constant roller coaster ride.

So, I look back to these 5 years and see a multitude of memories...

* Business...that I enjoyed and learned so much about myself. Gained so much self-confidence and self-love. And then the eventual closing of it also which left me a little lost and confused.
* Relationships....poly, single, trying, Daddy/little girl, vanilla, play partners, love, betrayal, softness, roughness, D/s, M/s and all the others that fall in that mix...all growing experiences
* Going to Germany...being there for Honey...it was a big impact on my life in how it changed relationships and my business
* sickness
* visiting friends...Guardian and nuala, jackie and others
* good holidays with family and friends and also difficult ones
* friends helping me out in difficult times....especially Bill and Lisa, Moni and her husband Michael - Thank you all for being such good friends!
* Meeting Master...and the memories with Him are countless as there are new ones everyday. And with Him I am now in a place I am very grateful to be...His property, His slave...His.

I am sure I a missing many...as 5 years creates quite a few of them.

So while I read the archives this year- it was much different then last year. Last year I had the whole range of emotions and this year I read them and basically said, "yup that is my life." And there was no sadness, tears, anger or cringing...there was just...acceptance of my life. It is all me...the real me...there in the words of my blog...the good the bad and the ugly. I started blogging to help me figure it out...who I am and it has helped. It has helped me remain true to myself and be real. I will keep on being real with myself and keep plugging forward in the continual learning and growing not only through this blog but through life. I am very glad I started it and I hope to be blogging for many many more years.

I want to thank everyone that reads my blog...sends me emails, comments and such. You are all wonderful! You also help me in my journey....Thank you!

And I am going to end with
The Velveteen Rabbit as I did last year too:
"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you..."

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful.

"When you are Real, you don't mind being hurt...It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

Marking the Day....

Well tonight marks an ending....I already wrote my tribute to them in SMART's Newsletter...

But I just wanted mark the day. A group that my best friend in Ohio started is having their last meeting tonight. I was hoping to be there with them but it was not possible.

Anyway, I have been thinking of her and the group all day.

Sad to see such a wonderful group end but thankful for meeting many wonderful people through their group!

Sending hugs and good thoughts to Moni and all of Carpe Diem!

London

Marking the day...as it will be forever marked....

It is a horrible thing that happened. I can't image why we have such horrors happen in your world.....why we have such hate.

My thoughts are with those in London....hurt, injured and healing from this horrible tragedy.

Him!

Master is home!

I won’t be able to find words that will describe how extremely proud I am of Him. He made a video – something He had never done and He did an incredible job. It might even be put on public TV. I am so proud of Him.

And then to top it off…He won an award. Every year he and his peers nominate a person who was the most valuable to the team and Master was the person that got it this year.

He is proving repeatedly how technology helps their field. And more and more people are coming to Him for it. I think he is really heading on a great path for his career and I am so happy for Him and so proud of Him.

We are taking a day trip today to see the colors changing! I think it is appropriate for the time in our life….autumn equinox was yesterday and lots of changes coming to this fall for us.

Stones

Life just keeps getting better.....

But right now I am laughing about it. I just got off the phone with Nick and he helped me deal with what I needed to...I mean there is so much more I am sure I will write about and feel but....he helped me just get through he initial shock.

I found out tonight that a very important person in my life had been lying to me. Not just a little white lie either. It was lying to my face multiple times. I am hurting but also I am VERY pissed off.

But Nick pointed out LOTS of interesting things that were *so* true and we actually had a good laugh about it all.

No sleep for me lol.....been going since 9am Friday morning :)

peace,
danae

ps: and I do mean peace...finally maybe I will have some peace of mind.....sounds weird after what I just wrote...but it is true.

A month ago.....

I was working and did not hear about the attack until about 2 hours after it happened. Sir Nick called me right after I found out. He was the one to tell me about it....

I am glad I heard it from him.

So much has happened in that month and yet things are so much the same too. I mean we are all going on. I know I am...but underneath it is still there I guess.

I want to say more but there is so much going on in my head.....

peace,
danae

Sep. 11, 2001

Well, wow how to describe a day like today. I am not sure I can......

As everyone knows...the US was attacked today by terrorist....

Timeline...

Tuesday, Sep. 11, 2001
Plane crashes into tower of World Trade Center in lower Manhattan, shortly before 9 a.m. Eastern. Second plane crashes into the second tower of the World Trade Center, shortly after 9 a.m. Eastern. An aircraft crashes near Pentagon, just outside of Washington D.C., in Northern Virginia, about an hour after the attacks in New York. Government buildings in Washington, including the Capitol and the White House, are evacuated with officials citing a credible threat of a terrorist attack. The Federal Aviation Administration shuts down all aircraft takeoffs nationwide...first time in history. Shortly after 10 a.m. Eastern, one World Trade Center tower in New York collapses, about an hour after being hit by plane. Officials at Somerset County Airport say a large plane crashes in western Pennsylvania, about 80 miles southeast of Pittsburgh, at about 10 a.m. The second tower of the World Trade Center collapses at 10:28 a.m. Eastern. Fourth explosion rocks the collapsed remains of the World Trade Center, at about 10:38 a.m.

My day.....

Today I took Kam to work and then did not have the radio on. Got to where I needed to be and was still not listening to the radio and TV. It was about 11am when I happen to catch a glance at a TV and saw a building on fire and someone talking about Cleveland Hopkins was closed down. I had my phone on silent and looked down and saw that Sir Nick had called. So I went and called him. He was the one that ended up telling me what was going on. I felt numb. I heard his words....and voice. It just was so unreal. It was made me kind of numb right then. I have felt distant and not sure but I guess that almost made me feel more distant. Not with him though just the world in general.

I heard his voice. He told me about the pentagon and I thought of someone I know that works for them. I still have not heard from that person and I am very worried about him. He was on vacation last week and all I could think was why couldn't it of been this week.

It is amazing this has happened.....I am not sure I feel it and other times I feel great sadness creep over me. I took my necklace off today and felt anxiety but I thought it was work related that I sometimes go through. But now I wonder. I was done with work and I felt shaky and remembered my necklace and put it back on and was okay. *shrugs*

I think Jim was suppose to be in NYC this week. I am not for sure. I wrote Jim's mom. My mom called me and I tried to call back but all the circuits were busy.

It is just all so surreal.

He was great on the phone. Telling me things that meant the world to me. He is so good to me....considerate. He signed online tonight and I know it was just to make me feel better even though he is so tired. I started to cry tonight as he chatted with me. And I am not sure why...I told Di. She said because you care about him. I do. Weird you think I would have got that by now. That I care about him.

I guess what happens when tragedy happens you think about those that you care about and see their place in your life.

I wish everyone peace and serenity tonight.....

danae

48 Hours is not enough...

Jackie got here on Friday night. I was excited but sad all at once knowing this would be the last time before she went to Italy that Daddy and I would see her.

When she got her just the look on her face told me that she needed us. And that something else had happened. And yes something had. Because of the things that happened, she was only able to stay til Sunday night. So we were getting less then 48 hours of her before she left.

This person who I have grown to love deeply would only be able to be here for less then 48 hours. I pulled it in and told myself what was going on with her was much more important. I love her so much and just wanted to protect her from the world. Make this the place where nothing could hurt her.

But I know that is not totally possible. I tried very hard though.

This weekend and week with Jackie was going to be very special for her and I had prepared myself for it. Jackie was going to have the opportunity to serve Daddy publicly and she was looking forward to it. Her submission has grown so much in the time that she has been with Daddy. It is amazing me. Her hard work and Daddy’s wonderful training are very amazing.

Tonight as I write…..I am hurting.

I feel the pain - it feels like it can consume me. So much going on in my life and I hang on each day. I deal with each persons pain as well as my own. I struggle each day to let some things just go because I cannot handle it.

I am given sharp realities of my life, daily - even though some of my life I try to just let go and pretend does not happen. I struggle to know what to do. I try to look at things asking if it is a good path - if it is keep going.

Like with Jackie – I know this time with us – she needed to not see Daddy and I get upset with each other. (Which we do a lot - especially lately.) And I was trying so hard not to get upset about things. But I am dealing with his stuff, Jackie’s stuff, Honeyrose has stuff I am worrying about, my mom who I talked yesterday I could tell has things going on there, Di has stuff going on, and then I have all my shit. Plus throw in PMS. lol So I just tried to take the path that was right and good and be there for her. And it is not like I do not want to be there for everyone. I love them. They are my family even in moment that I feel like I would like to escape this reality. It just gets hard sometimes.

I have so much going on that not one person who knows about it all…..I do not tell anyone all of my problems because they have enough of their own stuff going on. And frankly because they cannot handle it on top of their things – at least that is how I feel. I pretty much know Daddy cannot, so I just do not stress him with stuff.

So many past things have been coming into my space this past week so much: flashbacks, Morgan, Jim. And then throw in current life…fun fun.

DM and I had a pretty serious talk this past week too and right at this moment I am thinking of pulling away for good because I look back on this weekend and look at all I have wrote and think she deserves a lot better then me. She certainly does not need to be dealing with all that I need to get in order. And who is to say I can get things in order.

I need to say these are things I am feeling at the moment – it is reaction from my pain. Just like me saying I did not think I was submissive. I know I am submissive. Even though I get lots of verbal messages that I am not….I know I am. I would not react the way I do to DM if I were not submissive. There has been several times this week that have shown me I am submissive.

This week asked me if I was going to Germany and hoping everything would magically be fixed in my life. It was said in a harsh tone. She has said harsh things to me before, but this time it effected me more. I felt like telling her off. I then stopped and toned things down and said to her that just because I do not deal with things how she does not mean that I do not deal with things. Which is true. I tend to deal with things a lot different then most people.

I just feel. I just know some things have to be dealt with one way and some don’t. Sometimes they need immediate action and sometimes I need to wait for life to show me where I need to go and do.

I just wrote all of the above and then Di signed online and I talked to her.

I am very thankful to have her as my best friend. She is great. So I look around this apartment right now. I look at the tree and think of Daddy strapping it to the top of the car and how fun it was to watch…I think of Jackie, seeing the tree all lit up and decorated. I am very happy to have shared her first Christmas tree with her. I am thankful for good health, a great best friend, Daddy, Jackie, Honeyrose, my family – mom, dad, sisters, and all the people in my life I love. I am very lucky to have so many wonderful people in my life to love.

And that is what I need to hang on too…..

I wish everyone a good night…..And a good week to come…..

Peace and Serenity,
danae