Jackie got here on Friday night. I was excited but sad all at once knowing this would be the last time before she went to Italy that Daddy and I would see her.
When she got her just the look on her face told me that she needed us. And that something else had happened. And yes something had. Because of the things that happened, she was only able to stay til Sunday night. So we were getting less then 48 hours of her before she left.
This person who I have grown to love deeply would only be able to be here for less then 48 hours. I pulled it in and told myself what was going on with her was much more important. I love her so much and just wanted to protect her from the world. Make this the place where nothing could hurt her.
But I know that is not totally possible. I tried very hard though.
This weekend and week with Jackie was going to be very special for her and I had prepared myself for it. Jackie was going to have the opportunity to serve Daddy publicly and she was looking forward to it. Her submission has grown so much in the time that she has been with Daddy. It is amazing me. Her hard work and Daddy’s wonderful training are very amazing.
Tonight as I write…..I am hurting.
I feel the pain - it feels like it can consume me. So much going on in my life and I hang on each day. I deal with each persons pain as well as my own. I struggle each day to let some things just go because I cannot handle it.
I am given sharp realities of my life, daily - even though some of my life I try to just let go and pretend does not happen. I struggle to know what to do. I try to look at things asking if it is a good path - if it is keep going.
Like with Jackie – I know this time with us – she needed to not see Daddy and I get upset with each other. (Which we do a lot - especially lately.) And I was trying so hard not to get upset about things. But I am dealing with his stuff, Jackie’s stuff, Honeyrose has stuff I am worrying about, my mom who I talked yesterday I could tell has things going on there, Di has stuff going on, and then I have all my shit. Plus throw in PMS. lol So I just tried to take the path that was right and good and be there for her. And it is not like I do not want to be there for everyone. I love them. They are my family even in moment that I feel like I would like to escape this reality. It just gets hard sometimes.
I have so much going on that not one person who knows about it all…..I do not tell anyone all of my problems because they have enough of their own stuff going on. And frankly because they cannot handle it on top of their things – at least that is how I feel. I pretty much know Daddy cannot, so I just do not stress him with stuff.
So many past things have been coming into my space this past week so much: flashbacks, Morgan, Jim. And then throw in current life…fun fun.
DM and I had a pretty serious talk this past week too and right at this moment I am thinking of pulling away for good because I look back on this weekend and look at all I have wrote and think she deserves a lot better then me. She certainly does not need to be dealing with all that I need to get in order. And who is to say I can get things in order.
I need to say these are things I am feeling at the moment – it is reaction from my pain. Just like me saying I did not think I was submissive. I know I am submissive. Even though I get lots of verbal messages that I am not….I know I am. I would not react the way I do to DM if I were not submissive. There has been several times this week that have shown me I am submissive.
This week asked me if I was going to Germany and hoping everything would magically be fixed in my life. It was said in a harsh tone. She has said harsh things to me before, but this time it effected me more. I felt like telling her off. I then stopped and toned things down and said to her that just because I do not deal with things how she does not mean that I do not deal with things. Which is true. I tend to deal with things a lot different then most people.
I just feel. I just know some things have to be dealt with one way and some don’t. Sometimes they need immediate action and sometimes I need to wait for life to show me where I need to go and do.
I just wrote all of the above and then Di signed online and I talked to her.
I am very thankful to have her as my best friend. She is great. So I look around this apartment right now. I look at the tree and think of Daddy strapping it to the top of the car and how fun it was to watch…I think of Jackie, seeing the tree all lit up and decorated. I am very happy to have shared her first Christmas tree with her. I am thankful for good health, a great best friend, Daddy, Jackie, Honeyrose, my family – mom, dad, sisters, and all the people in my life I love. I am very lucky to have so many wonderful people in my life to love.
And that is what I need to hang on too…..
I wish everyone a good night…..And a good week to come…..
Peace and Serenity,
danae
