A Jumble of Thoughts

I could not sleep last night….my mind was racing but not with anything of real use.

Jackie was here this weekend and it was a peaceful weekend for once. No running around to see everyone, no disruptions, and not too many worries. First weekend like that in a long time. I always feel sad after she leaves. I go through like an emotional drop right after and the day after.

Last week after my blog on loyalty and talking about my rape it made me think about my Survivor Healing and Support website. I had not worked on it in a very long time. So, that is what I did some of last week. Still having some problems with some of the links so I will post the url when it is not so jumbled.

I have been thinking lately that maybe I am not submissive…..

Or maybe I am not just slave. Certainly I do submissive things. How I interact with my Daddy is submissive a lot of the time even though I think he would disagree, but I feel that is because he still wishes me as the slave that arrived at his doorstep almost 2 and half years ago. And I am not that same person. Unfortunately? I am not sure I guess….

I really do not know how to act or behave as a submissive anymore…at least that is how it feels. Before I instinctively acted a certain way that I am not sure I can even describe. I just wanted to please, now I please so that I do not disappoint or do not make someone upset with me….stupid reasons to me. I mean yes when I was owned I did not want my Daddy disappointed or mad at me but that was not the main reason I submitted – I submitted because I wanted to please him and it made me feel good inside.

I do not feel good inside.

I do not know what to do.

I do not know how to act.

I do not know if I am submissive.

I am still interested in D/s…I mean I am thinking of it. I have stories, articles and do research on D/s still. I just do not know where I belong….how I fit into D/s at this moment.

Another really weird thing is….actually kind of scary is that I have only craved pain once in 2 months. Which those of you who know me know is amazing lol

Recently I tried to do an essay on service, submission, and surrender and what each meant to me. But it was something that was a struggle. I know it when I feel it but right now I think because I do not feel them I cannot put them down in words.

Okay I am done rambling for now…

peace & serenity,
danae