Love...

Wednesday….I talked with Mistress DM online. I had not talked to her in a while. Avoiding her a little because of the stuff going on here. I just needed time not to think. LOL

As usual in talking to her she made me think about a lot of things. One thing is that Love is not an emotion. She said (it is something she is working on not fully formulated) it is an energy and I agree.

She had given me a website link to read. The first time I read it something in the journal entry stuck out…..

“Most of all... I learned that although I am capable of playing with others, caring about others, and learning from others, I am not able to fully love another.”

I do not think I am fully able to love another. I mean I think I am able to love a person, but it is hard to let myself go totally and let the other person love me in which I am holding back so I am not able to love fully either. I do not let go and allow myself to because I just do not believe anyone can handle it.

I love lots of people but there is no one I totally love without boundaries.

There has been one person in my life that I could be completely free with and not worry about what I said or what I did or how I acted or how my emotions were. She was an incredible woman.

Jackie always says she loves me more. And there are a few reasons I think she says this, but after talking about love right now I just thought of another view.

I feel she says she loves me more because she loves me so much it hurts. She feels it in the very depth of her soul and it hurts because she does not allow people to touch there.

I love her just as much. On Thanksgiving, I thought of her all day and quietly Thanked God for bringing her into my life. I missed her so much it hurt like that.

I love Honeyrose that way. I remember when she moved to Germany and she did not get in contact with me for a while. I cried and ached and started to grieve a little. My heart was breaking because I thought she was just leaving me. When she finally called the first thing I did was yell at her to never do that to me again because I loved her more then anything and it hurt to think of life without her. I knew I was in love with her.

But I was just thinking now….

I think I love Jackie more…..

I give up parts of myself for her. I give up things so that she can love me without it being too hard.

Not sure that makes sense. I hold back emotions that I know she cannot handle right now with all she has on her plate. I hold back how scared I am that she is going Italy and I am not going to see her for a while. I am really scared about her going to Italy and not coming back to me. Scared she will not come back to Daddy either.

Love with Daddy is hard to explain. It has changed lots in the time I have known him. I would say when I was first here I was able to have no boundaries but was not able to fully let my boundaries down even though I did let most of them down. He has seen parts of me that no person should have to see or go through. And I am very thankful for all that he went through to help me heal.

I still love my ex husband. I still miss him a lot…even though I was not able to love him without boundaries either.

Love is an energy to me. It is not the love that is changing relationships. I still love Honeyrose just as much as I did 2 years ago but what has changed in our relationship is that I miss her dearly. I still love my ex-husband who hurt me emotionally. Daddy and I have our rough times but I still love him. I have friends that have hurt me recently – the love has not changed but the relationship has because of the pain they have caused me.

I could never understand why I was not getting past some old loves or why I still love people that have hurt me. If it is not an emotion and is energy, it is makes a lot more sense to me.

peace & serenity,
danae