A Blank Slate

On ICQ last night Mistress DM and I were talking and she said something but I am going to pull it out of the context in which she said it…..

She said, “….to me you're just one blank slate waiting to be written on .”

Just a disclaimer: I know this post is not what Mistress DM meant when she said what she did. It is just what popped in my head a certain way and kind of skipped around for a while.

I went to bed thinking of this…….it brought me back to Don. And it was not a bad thing even though the anniversary of my gang rape is coming up.

Something that still pulls me back to that time in my life is how completely Don got into my head and figured out how to break me down. And parts of me liked it. That is something I still struggle with even now but did a lot when I was dealing with the gang rape. Because I how can it be rape if part of me liked the fear. Liked that he had broken me down so much that I was like addict and needed the fear to keep going. To make it through the day I needed to feel it.

How did he make me that way? I think about that often. Which brings me to the blank slate, he broke me down so that I was a blank slate. He could have done anything with me. Instead of using that power and control to create a “perfect” slave for himself. He left me broken down. I just continued to keep me there. I guess that is how I define the difference between an asshole and a Master.

After I left him I went on withdrawals and even went back to him and begged him to take me back.

I remember once right after leaving him – I had this friend whose mother owned this apartment building and he and I went to roof. He left me there while he went to get something more to drink…like we really needed more. lol And I went and stood on the ledge - drunk. I was scared to death but loved that feeling – the fear. I stood there the cold winter air blowing on me looking down 6 stories to the ground. I closed my eyes and pictured Don behind me pushing me. Or better yet telling me to jump and knowing there was no way I could not do it. He had set something in me that instinctively just obeyed him and most of the time without hesitation.

Even though what he did to me I feel was wrong. I crave to broken down and built back up into a slave. To serve without hesitation. To surrender. And yes I do crave to have that kind of fear again.

peace & serenity,
danae