Sunday, December 27, 2009
Monday, December 21, 2009
With MS, the humiliation hit levels I hadn't had before (a partner I had right before Master). It was amazing. But can that be maintained and I still have a healthy outlook of myself? He and I discussed that as I said in another post. And we really didn't think so but it didn't stop us from fantasizing about it and desiring it. But as I expressed in that post, he and I got to the point where the play made me scared. I would get very nervous just going to him - as soon as I crossed his threshold and he started in - I was a puddle of goo. Still scared but it was a fear that turns me on. The fear I had before I hit his door - didn't turn me on it made me want to turn around and run. But it was fear.
So humiliation with Master is a finer line then it was with MS. An extremely fine line. I love Master and the things he says to me - I believe them in whole new ways. I believed it with MS too, but when I walked out the door - I was my own person. I could pull myself back together between our play because I had time away from him. So it was almost like I could pull the masks on again and pretend when I was with him. With Master, he owns me and I am here serving him all day everyday so if he were come up to me while I was washing dishes and shove me to the ground and call me a fat cunt - it 8 times out of 10 going to make me cry. It might even be in a way that doesn't turn me on and that rattles around in my head. But he has the right to say it. It might not turn me on in the moment. When I go bring him that cup of coffee an hour later, I might start crying again. Three hours later when I serve him lunch, I will again probably start crying. Because I can't put myself back together. When I finally get to the point in my brain of needing to accept it - then my body will react and become wet. When I give in to believing it.
When he uses it during sex, calling me dirty whore with a stretched out cunt from having strangers dicks in it - I will melt into a puddle of goo. After I can often walk away without any hurt feeling lingering, because when sex is mixed in I accept it faster. Even him calling me fat during sex - I can walk away without lingering feeling. (When I say sex - sex for us is SM with sex - never just sex.) So when sex is mixed in my brain seems to accept those core beliefs I have about myself that he says to me.
But then add in where it is more of what the lifestyle would call a scene where it lasts for longer then sex....
Such as Master might get up in the morning pull me out of bed, put a hood on me, and shove me in the closet. Throughout the day he will pull me out - used me, called me names, make me do humiliating things, beat me, have me make him lunch, and so on and so forth....that it harder for me to recover from too - even though I will go through a whole range of emotions - self-pity, happiness, anxiety, excitement, doubts, horny, fear, anger, and so many other emotions. It will touch on my emotional masochist buttons that needs to suffer and feel pain. I get turned on by that. It will hit other buttons that I don't get turned on - such as doubt if I can really do this for him bend, obey, suffer...and so on. After the hours, a day or days of being like that...I come out sometimes turned on and sometimes another emotion that isn't a good one. Recovering from it - can go from good to bad. It is a fine line.
Add into it another complex fact, no matter if they are good or bad emotions as an end result, 2 days later or a week later - I am masturbating to it. It turns me on after the fact. That I attribute to my emotional masochism. I like that thought that I hurt in bad ways as it hits the emotional masochism buttons in me. I will replay and talk about it lots because it hurt me. It is the weirdest thing to me to be so turned on later by something I hated in the moment. The same thing can go to when I was gang raped, I get turned on thinking about it a lot of the time. I get turned on by many of the things Don did to me even though I wouldn't completely say they were consensual. Sometimes it bothers me that it turns me on, but most of the time I just go with it and know I am a sexual being who is an emotional masochist, who needs humiliation, fear, and pain. Period.
But if I am breaking into tears every 5 minutes it effects my service to Master so it is double edged sword. We both love humiliating and objectification, but neither of us like it interfering with my service to him. So at times Master plays there carefully and not daily. Although we would both like to explore it more.
If anyone has questions, please feel free to ask. I am always open to them.
Part 1 - Part 2 and then another post that I talk about humiliation.
Friday, December 18, 2009
Someone asked me if it takes the sting out of the words in vanilla world/context...
No it doesn't. If someone in Wal-mart were to come up to me and call me fat, I would be very upset - not only hurt but pissed off. I wouldn't be groveling back for more to that person as I often do in a D/s - SM context.
"Do you see humiliation and degradation as a form of emotional masochism? Is it that you enjoy feeling that awful emotional pain, and crave that?"
For me humiliation and degradation go hand and hand with emotional masochism because that is where my humiliation/degradation buttons are....being called worthless or fat is humiliating and also hits a place of emotional pain. I do crave and have strong desires to feel that awful pain of the words tearing into me. I like hearing those things that tear me down. It turns me on.
"How is it a hot experience for you, and not something that emotionally scars you?" With Don - someone I was with when I was 18 - it emotionally harmed me. And I do think that some of my love of emotional masochism comes from my experiences with him. I was very timid and felt horrible things about myself after Don. But I think of those times now - and even in the moment of then - I was very turned on. I think it is intention of the other person that can leave me a mess verses hot. But even if I come out on the other side emotionally messed up....it doesn't mean that it isn't hot for me still. I will get into that in the next post more. I just know that even when those things that have broken me to the point of long term repair needed - I still get turned on. I can think about the things Don did to me and feel all sorts of emotions but I am ready to go masturbate about it right now. As I said in my last post - it is a complex contradiction.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
I really get turned on by humiliation. I like to feel that hitting my core and hurting me. It turns me on. Why...? I am not sure exactly. And I am not sure I want to know why always either. But it is the question I get the most often - why do I like humiliation?
It is a complex contradiction for me. Using this example....I was an escort who men paid money to be with - it was a big boost to self-image. They would pay money just to be with me. I felt sexy and very desired doing that. I know how Master feels about me and when others express their attraction, I believe it. It embarrasses me. But my point is I believe it...I know some find me desirable. I confident I know how to turn someone on. Again I did get paid to do that. :)
So I can say all that and mean it and believe it...
On the other hand I know I am fat. I see the stretch marks and hear the things in my head that say... "you are not desirable. You are fat. You are not sexy - You are fat." I can even twist the escorting things around saying they wanted to see what it was like to be with a big girl...(although I know that isn't true for many of my repeat customers but I can still twist it.) And I can go on and on with the the negatives. And I believe those too.
I believe the good but at the core there are those other things whispered sometimes loudly. And so it is a complex contradiction that makes up me.
So why do I like to have those negatives used against me....
For one I think it is like the person who is saying them can honestly see me and still is here with me. He can admit those dark things said inside me and use it against me - but he isn't walking away because I am fat. It is like that person is seeing the core. We have the good the bad and the ugly and he see the ugly. The parts I don't show to anyone.
Next I am an emotional masochist. I like to suffer and although I like the physical sensation of suffering - I like it often combined with the emotional pain too. I like to be brought to tears and hear and believe the things being said. It is like it is being torn from inside me and pushed in my face to see. It allows me to take those things I think and feel on the inside and see them almost differently or not really differently but out in the light instead of the dark. It lets me at times let go of the things being said. Makes them not so big or bad. Other times it doesn't though - they stay right where they are at - the same feelings and thoughts I have had for a long time and will keep on feeling and thinking them. And all the while I am crying and my feelings are hurt and the ugliness of the words are in my face....I am turned on. I so want to be pushed on my knees and suck his cock or pushed on to my knees and feel my body slamming into that mattress as I am fucked.
I am this way...I don't know if it has to do with my trauma's from my childhood or with Don (a relationship I was in when I was 18 that was heavy SM). I just know it turns me on. And there is a fine line but I am willing to walk it.
Splitting this into 3 posts - next post answering some questions and third post going into walking of fine line of humiliation.
Wednesday, December 09, 2009
I know it is a small thing that probably most wouldn't even notice but I noticed it. I noticed how he looked around for Master and the exchange about grabbing me. He obviously knew I don't go anywhere without Master. And I guess I just didn't know that people were aware of it.
Little update also...
I have been really busy with Thanksgiving, Master's parents were here last weekend and now this week we leave to go to the other side of the state. When we get back I am behind I will be swamped as I am so behind on holiday preparations - getting cards out, presents done and mailed. Our tree isn't even up and won't be until probably Sunday or Monday. That is really late for us.
I am trying to keep Domestic Servitude updated with some holiday gift ideas, recipes and such too.
So as always - making excuses why I am not here posting more. And as always I wish I could as I do miss it often.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
I get that moment of feeling upset that I disappointed him. But I am not devastated. Mostly I am really pissed and disappointed in myself. I beat up on myself for not keeping on top of things. And then I try to move on and just try to do better next time.
When he tells me he is upset with me on something I don't understand at all...then I get frustrated or annoyed. In the end it doesn't matter what I feel though - just as long as I obey. (Not that it doesn't matter what I feel but obeying is always first.)
Not to long ago he got mad at me for not just going and getting him what he asked for right away. I had stopped to ask for clarification as there are 2 of the thing he asked for so I was asking which one he wanted. And he got mad. But internally I was saying it is a reasonable question...but externally I just nodded and said, "yes Master" and went and fetched him what he asked for. I was thankful I was able to keep my mouth shut as it was one of those moments I know if I would have said anything more he would have been more pissed.
So in those type of situations when he says he is disappointed, I mostly say "I am sorry Master" and move on but internally I don't "get it" and it is harder to accept - I just think okay this is what he wants so I will do it. Usually later I will bring it up to him when he isn't pissed. And often he hasn't changed his mind. He still wishes I would have just went and grabbed one - he didn't care which one. And as he says that internally of course I am going would it have been so hard to say "either one." And I would have been quickly on my way to get it. But in the end it doesn't matter - he did what he wanted and expressed what he wanted - and my job is to obey. I disappointed him and like kaya mentioned in her post, can't go back in time to fix it, but next time I know I will just go get whatever it is he wanted. And that one time I bring him the item and he says he wanted the other. I will just go and get the other. Because it is his rules and he can change them as he goes. And he often does. It is my job to obey him.
PS: We are going out town and I have had several people email me the last week - and so just letting you know I won't be getting back to you until next week.
Monday, November 09, 2009
He stopped me in the living room and pulled my shirt off before having me hold my hands behind my neck while he pulled the rest of my clothes off. And then marched me to the bedroom where he proceeded to use me in such delicious ways.....lots of holding my head to down on his cock to that I would choke, pulling my hair, squeezing my throat, slapping, punching, grabbing and squeezing various bits with fingers digging into my flesh and then rinse and repeat. After giving him a blow job, he smear his cum on my face and then pushed me on to my back spread my legs and grabbed, pulled, twisted with fingers digging into my cunt. He would touch soft and tenderly and then suddenly my cunt would be on fire from the pain searing through it as he tortured me. I of course didn't come when he was touching my softly....no no no...I came when he was hurting the hell out of me.
When I got up, I had that freshly fucked look down pretty good. Hair wildly going every way, hanging in my eyes, sticking to my face where it had dried in the cum....oh yes...freshly fucked indeed.
Sunday, November 08, 2009
I am terribly flattered that Violet Blue has visited my tumblr and recommended it to her readers. If you don't know her, please go check out her blog. She is one of those people that I am sure if I ever met I would be doing a fangirl squee as she is a notorious sex educator that I have read and admired for years.
As she said on the post about my tumblr, I do try to credit. If you find an image there that isn't credited and you recognize, please feel free to let me know by emailing me at email@example.com. I do really want to promote and recognize the talented people who turn me on! Also if you find an image that is yours and you don't want it posted here, please feel free to email me - I will take it down as soon as I get your email.So thank you Violet Blue for recommending my tumblr and welcome to all the visitors she has sent my way...to my blog and my tumblr.
Friday, November 06, 2009
So the other day Master had an afternoon appointment but right before it he took me to the bedroom and put the pvc open mouth hood on me and had me get busy with his balls while he masturbated. It turned me on to hear him...the sound of his hand on his cock. The noises he makes. The smell...of sex. And although I was touching him - still felt like I was being teased and denied...tormented. After Master orgasmed, he got up and took a shower and told me to masturbate. It just felt very much like an object. I wasn't necessary for his pleasure but just added when he feels like using me for his pleasure. Like an after-thought.
The conversation with my friend came about as she mentioned she would like to watch Master and I have sex and I told her no no no....that my fantasy was to be tied to a chair or locked in the closet or cage while he had sex with her. To watch and be teased and tormented by watching them.
I posted a picture on my tumblr recently and wrote about the memory that came with it....basically it is a girl tied up outside a door. And it reminded me of when I was in the poly household and he restrained me. And then went into the bedroom and played and had sex with another one of his slaves I could hear them while I laid on the floor outside the door. It was very erotic not moving and not seeing but only hearing them. When they came out, they walked past me like I wasn't even there.
It has been an ongoing fantasy I play over and over again in my head with Master....of him fucking another. Sometimes I am in the room sometimes I am not. Sometimes I don't know about it until after. And any way I come up with it....it turns me on. It teases and torments me....physically but I can't wait to feel it emotionally too. I know it will feel different with Master.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Reaffirming Our Integrity
Every thought we think and every action we take has an effect on the world around us. To be aware of this is to be conscious of our impact on the people in our lives. Sometimes we just want to do what we want to do, but considering the full ramifications of our actions can be an important part of our spiritual growth and awareness. At first, being more conscious requires effort, but once we have made it a habit, it becomes second nature. The more we practice this awareness of others, the more we find ourselves in easy alignment with our integrity.
Our thoughts are an important place to begin this practice because our thoughts are the seeds of our actions. It is not necessary or beneficial to obsessively monitor all our thoughts, but we can perhaps choose one thought or action per day and simply notice if we are in alignment with this experience of integrity. For example, we may find ourselves replaying a negative encounter with someone in our minds. We may think that this doesn’t affect the person about whom we are thinking, but the laws of energy tell us that it does. When we hold someone negatively in our minds, we risk trapping them in negativity. If we were this person, we might wish for forgiveness and release. We can offer this by simply letting go of the negative thought and replacing it with a wish for healing on that person’s behalf.
With regard to our actions, we may have something difficult to express to someone. Taking the time to consider how we would feel if we were in his or her shoes will enable us to communicate more sensitively than we would if we just expressed ourselves from our own perspective. When we modify our approach by taking someone else’s feelings into account, we bring benefit to that person and ourselves equally. The more we do this, the more we reaffirm our integrity and the integrity of our relationship to the world.
When I was first learning to please Master and put him first, I often did the task above where I took one thing to focus on. Such as just trying to be aware of his drink and if it was filled. And simply being aware of it and doing it. Because sometimes I got overwhelmed with it all so just focusing on one thing helped me slow down. Eventually that spread out to each task and it became habit.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
I am thankful for everyone that reads. Thank you for the emails, comments and such. Thank you for sticking with me all this time!
And I am going to end with my traditional piece from
The Velveteen Rabbit:
"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you..."
"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.
"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful.
"When you are Real, you don't mind being hurt...It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."
Thursday, October 22, 2009
* When Master's parents were here one time we watched Bank Job which was very sexual. And very embarrassing to watch in front of them. The last time we were in Denver, Master's parents had a NetFlix and asked us if we wanted to watch. I hadn't heard of it before. It was a movie with Hugh Jackman and Ewan McGregor - both of who we like. And it was just as bad. It was Deception. So now another movie to put on the list of never watch with your parents.
* It was my birthday Sunday. At midnight of the 18th - Master had a scavenger hunt. There were clues inside and outside the house. And it lead to several presents on the way to the end. It was fun! The ending gift was season 1 of True Blood.
* An obsession lately is porn. Yes porn. I have been surfing tumblrs - lots of them with porn I enjoy. I have been posting to mine also.
* We have a shelving unit that sits in the hall outside Master's office and when I decorated for Halloween I put 3 little plastic skeletons. Before Master's parents got here - Master kept moving the skeletons into lewd positions. Every time I went past for several days they were in another position. I kept worrying we would forget and leave them like that for his parents visit but luckily that wasn't the case.
* Thanks to Fleshbot for putting me in their weekly round up for my last post. I miss being an escort and really should write about some of my favorite moments before I forget them.
* I have been reading an old elist group on yahoo. It has been interesting and entertaining. A quote from one of the posts:
"...I think, that consent is part of the power rush to me. My reasoning is this: any buffoon with sufficient muscle power can force himself upon another person and "dom" him or her against their will. Getting the "victim" to come to you, open-eyed and wanting it... now that's doing it in style." J. Mikael Togneri
That is about it for now.
Friday, October 16, 2009
When I was an escort, I often wondered that before I met a new client. I wondered if they would take charge or be timid. Most of the men were kind of in middle ground. They didn't want to tell me what to do but they wanted me to be a slut. The bigger slut I was the more they were turned on. Begging, eager, lustful, passionate, attentive, wanton, wet and ready to do anything and they would become repeat clients who tipped. And well I like sex and liked my job so often I was able to pull all those things off pretty easily. It was exciting and I often got turned on with anticipation before the client even walked in the door.
I had a few clients that dared...they took charge. And were rough in a good way. I would leave feeling well used and spent. One of those clients was an older man that I have wrote about before. He was close to 70. And he had a beautiful huge cock. And would take me in many ways.
Let me back up a bit....and post something I wrote about before....
There was a whole community - just like the BDSM community - there was a sex industry community. We had forums, parties, socializing and such. There was a man that kind of rallied the "community." He did interviews and a "date" with the escorts and then after he would basically write up a review along with the interview and post it to the escort forums. When he would do this the girl would get a lot of good advertising. Well this man did one of me with a little bit of a BDSM twist. I was out about my BDSM interests but it was also known I didn't really engage in it unless I got to know the person. And even then I really was selective. I did some rough sex type of things and spanking but that was about it.
So after the interview I got quite a few gentlemen that would see me several times and then mention the BDSM and their interest in it. Very few of them from the bottom and several from the top. For the most part it is as I said above most of them just wanted someone who enjoyed sex and was very wanton. But I did have a few that wanted to do some BDSM elements in our time together. And one of those gentlmen is the one I mentioned above...he talked about the interview in his initial email to me...and that was unusual as they usually were to shy to bring it up right away. It would take a few appointments before many of the men would mention the BDSM. But this gentlemen did and he had a reference for me to call one of the other girls in the community. He didn't say in his email what he was wanting but he mentioned the interview so I knew it was something more then just a regular appointment. But I told him I would have to meet him first.
So on our first date/appointment he showed up at my hotel room with a couple of diet cokes and said he wanted to talk first. Again not something that was really the norm. So we sat down and he proceeded to tell me he wanted something specific and that if I could provide it he would be seeing me very regularly.
As I said he was an older man...almost 70. He wasn't from the states although he had lived here a very long time but still had his accent. Oh so nice...shiver! He wasn't bad looking. And so we sat and he proceeded to tell me that he hadn't really been able to find the type of date he wanted from anyone. Basically he didn't want to talk. He said his wife, his girlfriends over the years and the escorts he hired all wanted to talk before, during and/or after and he just wanted to come in get down to business and have fun without talking and all the emotional things women do. He said he liked noise and talking dirty during sex but he didn't want to talk before or after. He also liked it a bit rougher. I felt very comfortable with him. And after a little more conversation about what he wanted I told him that I felt I could provide him with what he needed. And then we had some fun before he left. It was pretty mild the first time. I knew he was just testing the waters as I was too.
After that though all other dates went to no talking. And so this was a typical date with him. I would be dressed in something sexy....often thigh highs, heels, and some type of lingerie. Occasionally he would ask that I greet him in just thigh highs and heels or a special type of outfit/costume (such as a school girl). He would show up and I would open the door and not say hello or anything. I just open the door and let him come in. He would take care of business - pay. And then he would undress and put a condom on - all without saying anything to me. After he was done he would come to me, grab me and kiss me...usually while pull off lingerie (at least panties or bottoms). Or push me to my knees to give him a blow job. And then it moved to sex - vaginal or anal. He was often rough he would dig his fingers into my breasts and ass. He pulled my hair. He was very forceful in how he handled me - pushing me to the bed, spreading my legs, holding my mouth to his cock and so on. Often he did spanking and of course talk dirty to me also. After he had an orgasm, he would lay there for a few minutes, then get up, clean up, get dressed and then say good bye. And that was it. I always got follow up emails from him telling me that I did great and he had a great time. And I am glad he did that as it would probably make me wonder if he had not had a good time. And that submissive part in me does like to please!
So for some randomness about him...
* Wow, wow, wow, he knew what to do sexually. I usually orgasmed with him multiple times during our appointment. Not only with sex (which is a very rare occasion that I orgasm from vaginal sex) but with just the little bit of spanking and digging his fingers into me. He combined it in just the right way to send me over always.
* He was the first uncut guy I had been with and also the largest man I had been with. He was a short man - he was maybe an inch or two shorter then I. He would get undressed, have wrinkly skin from age and then expose this big smooth uncut cock all hard and ready to go. And it just always amazed me to look at him...this little man that looked like a sweet innocent Grandpa and here just moments after he undressed he would be fucking me and making me moan with pleasure.
* He was the first older man I was with that liked to role play Daddy/girl. He liked it when I dressed as a school girl. He liked kind of role playing that I had done something bad at school and now came home to get punished. Or that I had been showing off my tits and pussy to the boys and school and he wanted me to show him how I did that. I never thought with someone just who was really a stranger - no emotional connection - I would be able to get off on doing that type of thing but I did with him. Previously all of my Daddy/little girl experiences had been with men only slightly older or slightly younger then me so this felt umm much hotter in a way for me as he was older and realistically could have had a daughter my age. And I never expected that it would turn me on in the ways it did because of my past.
* I have many fond memories of him. All his appointments left me very wet. I will also always remember him for another reason - because I was with him on 9/11 and we didn't have the tv on so I found out after. Later when I was checking out of the hotel room. It was such a good appointment. I came out so happy and excited just replaying it in my head moments after he left. It was a roleplay day with me as a school girl and him as Daddy finding out I was a bad girl at school. So I have these vivid memories because of the fun we had but coming out and knowing that while I was having all that fun - tragedy was striking the USA....well it is odd to think about. It is also one of those questions I always have to tiptoe around when people ask where I was when I found out. I wonder if he thinks of me on 9/11 like I think of him.
* Overall - our appointments were some of my favorite. He dared and it turned me on. It was the whole package of how he looked, how we didn't talk except during sex, how he fucked me, how he spanked and dug his fingers into me...it was all very hot for me and I always looked forward to our appointments.
(Thank you Fleshbot for putting this entry in the weekly roundup)
Monday, October 12, 2009
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Peach Coffee Cake
Sausage and Potato Skillet/Bake
Marinades, Rubs and Barbecue Sauce
September Friday Favorites - Sept 4, Sept 11, Sept 18, Sept 25
The Bread Lover's Bread Machine Cookbook
The Naturally Clean Home
Great Coffee Cakes, Sticky Buns, Muffins & More
Special Interest/Assorted/Random posts
2 Weeks Worth of Menus
Organizing Finances and Home Filing System
Travel Packing Tips
PEEK AHEAD at OCTOBER
Fall Cleaning Lists
and a giveaway that will be posted on Monday
Tuesday, October 06, 2009
Flagg is someone who I am sure affected many people's lives including mine. The community has lost a very special person. I know that he helped me gain perspective on what I really wanted. His words made sense in a way that had been cloudy to me before. And the way his mind worked was extraordinary - rational, evil, funny...inspiring on so many levls. His words always resonated with me. And I sit here being thankful for what he gave me. But am so sad that he is gone.
Thursday, October 01, 2009
Last week we were in Denver. And the week before we were sick. Then while in Denver I started to get the cold coming back. So came home not feeling well and just trying to get back on track. And on top of it I have been struggling with a pulled muscle - in an odd place - my bottom. It really is funny to think about it but not really funny living with it as it hurts no matter what I do - lay down, sit down, bend over - everything makes it hurt.
Yesterday I started my fall cleaning. I didn't get as much accomplished as I would have liked by the pain slowed me down somewhat. But I did get something done that I didn't in my spring cleaning and that was cleaning out all the bathroom cupboards and shelves. I have a huge bag of stuff to throw. And I reorganized hopefully a way that things won't get piled up.
I feel I have lots I could write about but mostly I am quietly mulling things over. And just feel worn out so not up to writing.
While coming home from Denver, I was reading Better Basics for the Home: Simple Solutions for Less Toxic Living by Annie Berthold-Bond and Master asked me about it and then told me if I want to step up my more natural way of cleaning that he is willing to put the investment into some products. I have done basics - vinegar, baking soda, tea tree oil but I have wanted to make more products. And if it saves money which is one benefit Better Basics for the Home talked about then he is all for it.
I have been checking out quite a few books on greener living lately. I checked out two books by Danny Seo that are about green entertaining and gift wrapping. And I really enjoyed both of them. (Longer reviews of them will be coming up in October on Domestic Servitude blog.)
Well that is all for now.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
* Outside my window...it is fairly sunny today after raining so much yesterday
* my thoughts...are on the tasks ahead of me today
* Today's Quote..."Excellence is an art won by training and habituation. We do not act rightly because we have virtue or excellence, but we rather have those because we have acted rightly. We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act but a habit." - Aristotle, Philosopher
* i am thankful for...the library. I have checked out a lot of books on making bath products as it is what I would like to make for gifts this holiday season.
* From my service training... making excellence a habit.
* From the kitchen... I have put this weeks menu up at Domestic Servitude.
* i am wearing...Jean skirt and red-t-shirt
* i am creating...some work related stuff for Master
* my adventures this week... we are at home this week and I am thankful for that as we will be going out of town soon for a week or longer.
* Becoming well read... books on making bath products and also a Christmas craft book
* i manifest and co-create... excellence and how do I apply that in my service to Master.
* Today's Melody... Melissa Etheridge's SKIN
* One of my favorite things... water - I drink it all day long. It feels refreshing after scrubbing the floor and cleaning the bathroom.
* further plans for this week... cleaning and getting ready for when we go out of town. And keeping in my thoughts - excellence.
a picture I took while in Minnesota...
Monday, September 14, 2009
Which I thought was better - similar lifestyle tastes or a similar foundation in a relationship sense?
And it was an easy answer for me. I feel having similar foundation in relationship is better then having similar lifestyle tastes. Without compatibility in relationship especially those things that are at the foundation of a relationship then we most likely wouldn't achieve a M/s dynamic. I am not saying it doesn't matter if we weren't compatible with kink and the dynamic we seek, but if given choice between the two options, I would have to say that a relationship foundation is more important and would affect our overall compatibility and the longevity of the relationship.
If the person wants to be a slave, that isn't enough of a reason for us to pursue someone. Compatibility goes beyond the M/s dynamic. Determining if we're compatible, how would they mesh in our daily lives? What are their values? Are they open minded? How do they handle crisis? Is honesty important to them? Are they dependable? Do they show respect to strangers as well as family and friends? Do they treat people fairly? Do they keep their promises? What to think the word faithful means? How do they communicate? How do they handle and express anger? Are they are good listener? Basically what are their beliefs, the things they live by? And do our personalities mesh?
When I lived in a poly household, I know that just being kinky and having a desire to be a slave wasn't enough to make you compatible with each other. Some of the girls we had in our household had a deep desire to be a slave, but that fact alone didn't guarantee that we were compatible. Sometimes there was a conflict of values or a breakdown of communication which you need a strong foundation in order to have a solid relationship. Merely having the same kink doesn't mean the relationship can last. It needs more.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Sunday, September 06, 2009
Maple Cinnamon Oat Bread - This bread has amazing flavor. As it bakes the smell just floats throughout the house making everyone anxious for it to get out of the oven.
Creme Brulee French Toast - This is a great recipe when you want to make something just a little more special and different for breakfast/brunch. I often make this for holidays, birthdays and other celebrations. I have made it several time when I have hosted brunch. Served with some fresh fruit, sausage and mimosas.
Banana Layer Cake with Chocolate Frosting - I get in a rut of making just banana bread or banana muffins when I have banana that need to be used up. This recipe was a nice change. It was very moist and the flavor of it mixed with the chocolate frosting made it just delicious.
Feast on the Cheap - Jouet shares a great link for a blog about eating quality food but on the cheap. Great recipes and pictures.
Friday Favorites - 4 Friday Favorites for August - I have links for everything recipes, crafts, decorating, cleaning and just things to help your service.
Houseworks Holiday Plan - yes in August - I have been to this site that Jouet shared quite a bit. It is a good resource for getting geared up for the holidays.
Martha Stewart's Cooking School - I was truly surprised how much I liked this book. It has great step by step instructions as well as photos to go with it. Really good resource.
The Gourmet Slow-Cooker - Want to take use your slow cooker but take it out of the traditional recipes you find? Then this is the book you want to check out.
Special Interest/Assorted/Random posts:
A Service Book of Days - This idea is a great way to assess where your service is at and going as well as give you focus.
Denture Tablets for Cleaning a Crystal Vase - I worked. And I have pictures on this post to prove it.
Menu - This week and Next - 2 weeks worth of menus
Powdered Buttermilk - a review of a product I have in my kitchen always.
Thursday, September 03, 2009
I am not big on aftercare - at anytime (for me of course I am not saying in general with everyone - just saying I don't desire aftercare - even with Master.) If he would have given me aftercare, it would have ruined the experience for me also. Him basically kicking me out and being done with me - that made me hot.
The first few times we played he didn't check on me. But then he started calling me more often as we developed a relationship. Often it was right after play and several times during the days after. The time I describe in that post, he had me call him as soon as I was home. He called me before I went to bed that night and also the next day. He often said cruel and humiliating things during those conversation on the phone - it really was a good mind-fuck for me. I can see now looking back he was checking on me with those calls. But just because he was checking on me didn't change how we interacted with each other because that was our dynamic.
A few days after, I felt good and couldn't wait to see him again. I had a drop from the endorphins so I got weepy and felt extremely tired. But I felt good about the experience - no regrets. Now when I look at it, I wish I would have played with him more often then I did.
Out of all my times with him, only one time did it feel really bad during and after. Not only did I feel bad, but I felt angry and annoyed, but at myself. It was my own fault for putting myself in the situation I did. I knew it what going to happen so I shouldn't have went to him when he asked. He didn't change who he was and he didn't do anything he didn't say he was going to - It was me that wasn't being realistic.
During it, I hurt. I was emotionally, mentally and physically a mess. Sometimes crying hysterically where snot was dripping because I was crying so hard. There were often times during it, I didn't think I was going to make it out on the other side okay. I thought he is going to break me to the point of not being fixable. I hated him - all the while he did the things he did to me. And at the same time, I was wet and turned on. And a piece inside of me screaming "yes yes yes...keep pushing....keep hurting me. Thank you thank you!"
Each time we played it was like this. I felt I was going to be beyond repair and each time I walked way turned on and had orgasm upon orgasm thinking about our time together.
As I stated above, now I look back on it and wish I would have been with him more. I wonder where it would have went. I wonder if I could have done all the things he wanted to do.
Your question of are you really sure....I understand and I am going to I think get into it more below. I really craved a man to take me to the darkness so we were compatible in our desires. We pushed things to points where some would say it was unhealthy. But it worked for us. I am not sure it would have worked long term for us though. I am not sure I wouldn't have broke or was maybe breaking a little each time. I can't say for sure though.
Our relationship started out just as play. We met, we played hard and then left each other to go about our lives not knowing a lot about each others lives. Then it hit a point where - he asked me to coffee. And from there we started doing other things besides playing. We went to lunch, shopping, movies, on walks and all the time talking and getting to know each other. He still treated me as me. He would slap me when we were alone and call me names and then go have lunch. We still played and played just as hard. But we were getting to know each other more fully as people. He knew I wanted to be in 24/7 M/s relationship. Eventually I decided it was time to ask him where he saw our relationship going. He was happy with how things were and didn't want to have more at least at that time or if ever. There was no promise or time-line for anything more - ever. I was getting too invested so I decided we had to stop as I needed to pursue a long term relationship as that is really what I had been wanting since the first day of actively entering the lifestyle. I also had other concerns, one of which I will address below in another question. He understood and let me go.
He and I often discussed that living the way we played. What would be the long term effects. We played the speculation game quite a lot, but didn't of course have any definitive answers. I will say something that I think the Sir that asked the "are you sure" question was getting at....and that is I started to get too scared. He and I talked about that a lot. He saw it developing. I would get scared about walking into the house. Once there in the play - fear was still there, but it changed. The fear before I walked into the door - didn't turn me on really. The fear after I walked in the door and we started playing - turned me on. What was the difference? The moment. Once in the moment I could only live in that moment with him so I didn't panic myself with the million what-ifs as I did outside the door. My focus couldn't go outside the moment during the play. Before walking in - I let myself get in a panic and often let myself get so ramped up and overwhelmed with it.
I also will say that the fear started after we started having a relationship outside of play. I often wonder if it was my feelings for him and his interaction with me during our non-play that messed with my mind. I wasn't just his it - I became more then that? I am speculating. I don't know for sure.
I am sure some will now read this last answer and go - ah ha see it was a bad experience. They might think I shouldn't have played like that. But I want to again stress...I would do it all over again. I think of it often and wish I would have been with him longer. I really truly mean it. My time with him turned me on. Dripping wet....often soaking whatever I was sitting on because he turned me on so much. So just because there was some developments that weren't great side-effects doesn't mean I wouldn't want it. I wanted it. I want it. And I am wet thinking about even now.
Master and I play hard, but it never feels like it did then. Because Master and I have a different dynamic and that dynamic connects in a way that I don't feel would ever make even the exact same play feel like it did then. For me that isn't a bad thing. One isn't better then the other. They are just different than each other. I am glad to have experienced both. I am glad to keep on exploring with Master. Because he is a sadist and we do play hard and he does have a sadistic beast that likes to use me in ways that touch on similar elements with the sadist in that post.
Friday, August 28, 2009
My hands were still shaking when you said you were done with me. You just got done fucking me in the ass, got up and went to the bathroom like I wasn't even there. When you came back, you said, "Get dressed. I am done with you." Just like I was property. Like I was a toaster and you had toasted your bread so were done with the toaster. Except I am human so you had to tell me you were done with me instead of putting me away. You used me and were done with me.
The box spring and mattress were on the floor where I sat on the edge fumbling to get my stocking and garter belt straight. You had me leave them on during our time and they were twisted. My fingers would almost get tangled into the stockings because I was shaking. The fear and violence of what had just happened to me still hung on to me since it was just moments ago that you were just punching me, spitting on me and calling me names. Brutally taking my ass and all the while making fun of me because I was so wet that you could smell me in the room.
I pulled my blouse on and start to button it. I missed a button and you laugh at me and tell me how stupid I am that I can't even button my shirt. You come to stand in front of me. You pull my hair so I am looking up at you. "You know you are a worthless stupid cunt, d...," He says. He added my name to the end. My real name. He knows how to get to me. Putting my name with the insult - making sure I hear it and know it was me he was talking to. Hearing it brings tears to my eyes. He release my hair, laughs and walks away. He tells me to hurry that I am being too slow. I finish getting dressed and am standing - not sure where to look or what to do. If someone would have asked me to count to 10 - I am not sure I could have - I was still so shaken.
"On your knees." He yells at me. I fall to my knees before he barely had finished it. He tells me I will crawl to the door. That I am more lowly then an animal that walks on four legs. He tells me to crawl low so that my fat belly hits the floor. I follow him to the door almost dragging my body along the floor knowing my skirt and blouse are getting dirty with the dust on the floor. But I don't care as my mind and body just obey him. We stop next to the door. He kicks my side and makes me lay down on the floor. He keeps on kicking me. I don't move and just take it. I have my body and face pressed to the floor. I feel tears welling up in my eyes. He brings his foot to my face and presses the bottom of his shoe into my face. He tells me that he walked the dog the other day and walked through dog shit. He tells me I am a worthless piece of shit and so I should have dog shit rubbed into my face. He goes on to tell me that maybe he should have me rub dog shit all over my body so that when I walk down the street people would smell me and know I am a worthless piece of shit. He is still grinding his foot into my face as he goes on and on how I am a worthless piece of shit. He releases my face and has me tell him that I am a worthless piece of shit over and over again. And then he says, "You may get up and leave you worthless piece of shit."
I walk out the door and down the steps to my car. My legs are shaking. The tears are barely being held in. And still I feel the throbbing between my legs. I want an orgasm so badly. He doesn't give me those but allows me to masturbate as much as I want. It will take me an hour to get to home. I drive for a bit but I can't wait to jerk off. I pulled over into a park that I know that has some secluded parking areas. I pulled my pocket rocket from my bag (I am like a boyscout always be prepared) and masturbate there in the car. I replay every moment of the day in my head. I come so hard that I thought I might have squirted on myself. But I didn't. I was just very wet from all my time with him and replaying it all that my thighs are stickily soaked.
He hurt me - with violence physical, emotional and mental. Breaking me down. He gets inside and turns the truth out to me. It wasn't nice and pretty. It wasn't normal SM play with floggers, whips and chains. He didn't use bondage. He forces me to make the choice of standing there and taking it. But in my mind it is like there is no choice. Some part of me obeys and wants to obey to every things he does to me no matter how much it hurts, how humiliating and degrading it is - I would crawl to him on my belly willingly knowing he will spit on me and tell me I am a stupid worthless piece of shit. And I will come back for more. Again and again. Turned on with anticipation.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
So here are some of the words I have been given and my thoughts on them....
Slavery - The meaning of slavery for me hasn't changed really over the years but the understanding of it has a lot. For me being a slave means to be owned and under the authority of another. What all that entailed I don't think I got until being with Master. I mean my previous long term M/s relationship really introduced me to service. But it really didn't give me an understanding of being owned at least not in this sense it has with Master. Master has this presence in my life that makes me feel as though this life is inescapable. Not that I want to escape but it is just the feeling of having no other choice but to serve and obey...to be his property. I didn't quite feel that before - in the other relationship...it was a conscious choice to obey, serve and stay.
Basement-Dweller - The lovely lady that gave me these words and her handsome husband gave me shelter in more ways then just being their basement-dweller. I am ever grateful for their compassion and generosity to open their home to me. Although I was going through a horrible time - depression eating me away big time - I still have many fond memories of living with them.
Depression - I really can look back and see it ever present in my life. Even 4 years old I remember having it. Although I had many happy times and good memories there was that ever presence underneath that didn't see anything good. It also runs in my family - back several generations it can be traced.
I didn't get help for my depression though until in my mid-20's. I was put on prozac and it was a horrible experience. I mean yes it helped me come up out of the darkness but it turned all my emotions off. I remember my Mom calling me to tell me one of her Aunt's died and I was just like "okay." I didn't get upset or feel anything. It also messed with my sexuality too - making me not ever be interested in sex and when we had sex - it was hard for me to orgasm. I went off them about 4 years later and feel I have had long term side-affects because of the prozac. Memory loss from it being the biggest thing.
Several years ago - I was having a really bad run of the depression. I started taking wellbutrin. Master saw an improvement in almost a weeks time. And I haven't had the horrible side-affects. I feel my emotions but they don't drag me all over the place or hang on and on and on. And it didn't turn my sexuality off - thank goodness!
When I went back to visit family, I was very annoyed by their judgment of anti-depressants. My Dad encouraged my Mom to stop taking her anti-depressant. He doesn't want her "addicted" to them. I tried to give my Mom another example for it - she is diabetic and I said do you think he would tell you to go off your diabetic meds so you don't get addicted to them? She said she understood but I could see she really was thinking it wasn't the same thing. They don't view depression as the same as having another disease. Depression is all my head - not real and not really physical illness. They think if I really tried I could "get better." Luckily - as an adult now I don't give a damn what they think. And I can say that. I can say that I will be on meds as long as I need them. They help me and it is a better quality of life with them then without.
Happiness - I think for a long time I felt like I didn't deserve to be happy. That there was something bad or wrong with me so I didn't get to be happy. I also think I thought happiness was something different then I view it now. I think I thought happiness was a state of feeling good and everything being smiley. But obviously that isn't a state of being that can be maintained all day everyday - so not realistic. Basically I now view happiness as a state of contentment with myself and my path. And that I have that thankfully.
Integrity - I think a lot of people throw this word around as part of their "code" but don't really do what it means. I don't use this word when I describe things I live by. And it isn't because I don't think I have integrity. I just think it is a word that is used and not lived so it doesn't have as much meaning to me anymore.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Master has my bank card, my drivers license, my ss card and other cards that have my name on them - such as my library card.
Master first took control of those things - for control. But over time it became a convinces to him also. As I don't carry a purse because everywhere I go - I am with him. It was his decision that I don't carry a purse. So if I need my library card - he is there with me to give that card to me. If I need to show id, he is there with me to show it.
The only time I get those things back in my possession are when I am traveling without him. Such as I just went to spend two weeks with my family without him so he gave me drivers license and bank card just before he dropped me off at the airport.
I feel again he has done this because of control - he likes control. And I liked to be controlled. It is arousing to me. I remember how it felt handing those things over for the first time when I moved in. I still get little shivers thinking about it.
Also for us - nothing belongs to me - I am his property so everything I came with, that I had is now his. So that id and all those cards are his. He can do with them what he wants. And he wants them in his control.
Friday, August 21, 2009
This man did punch me in the face at times. I ended up bruises sometimes - a puffy split lip, a black eye, and bruises on my cheeks. He pretty much just used me as a punching bag. He would not tie me or restrain, but just tell me to stand and take it. If I moved it - of course he would get harder. So I learned to stand and take it.
Master punches me also. We went to a class at an event (Thunder in the Mountains) about punching and kicking. The rest of the weekend was all about punching for Master. I had bruises on my arms because we would be walking down the hall and he would just punch me in the arm. He would grind his knuckles in and make the bruises worse. It would often cause bruised muscle tissue. When he punches my ass or my cunt there is no surface bruise, but damn it hurts.
Master has punched me in the face. He has caused a split lip. It turned me on while he did it even though I wanted to fight to turn away. It turned me on after running my tongue over it. Feeling it and knowing how it was made - the force and brutality.
It feels violent although consensual. The fear that comes with it - all if turned me on. I want to fight and yet there is that piece inside me is like please more because I need it.Thankful that Master enjoys punching me because I do like the brutality of it.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Monday, August 10, 2009
If you want to join in, I suggest you go to this entry that has it listed for easy cut and paste. And explains a little about it.
Outside my window... (weather, what do you hear, what do you see?) It is a Sunny, hot day
my thoughts... are preparing Master and myself to go out of town for work: making lists, gathering things and packing
Today's Quote... “Our thoughts create our reality -- where we put our focus is the direction we tend to go.” ~ Peter McWilliams
i am thankful for...for getting a good night sleep last night - after having several nights in a row where I couldn't sleep well.
From my service training... (any skills, training etc; notes you want to share this week) - this week will be about organization. Lists, keeping track of all Master's equipment, set up and take down.
From the kitchen... (menu for the week, what are you cooking?) Since we will be out of town this week - nothing on the menu except for tonight. Tonight we are having brats on the grill and baked beans
i am wearing... t-shirt and panties
i am creating... (crafts, sewing etc;) - Mail Love: I sent out thank you notes today for people who have been especially kind to me.
my adventures this week... (where are you going this week?) Denver
Becoming well read... (What are you reading this week?) Martha Stewart's Encyclopedia of Crafts: An A-to-Z Guide with Detailed Instructions and Endless Inspiration and Dragonfly Amber by Diana Gabaldon
i manifest and co-create... (what are your hopes, dreams, and prayers this week) I hope to have and help create a smooth week without a lot of bumps in the road
Todays Melody... (what music are you listening to? even if it's just the sound of a bird...) Master's voice on the phone - but was listening to U2
One of my favorite things... sending out mail love, finding the perfect birthday card for a dear friend, photos of my family
further plans for this week... Just keeping focused and organized for this busy week ahead of Master and I
Still....life (share a picture you've taken OR a picture you found online that speaks to you)
A photo I took on my trip...
Sunday, August 09, 2009
- Butternut Squash-Apple Soup and Squash Casserole - with gardens producing a variety of vegetables Jouet shares 2 squash recipes.
- Stuffed Pasta Shells - Having a huge pile of spinach I looked to see what I could make with it and turned to a classic
- July having 5 weeks gave us 5 Friday Favorites posts.
- The Perfect Burger - Jouet shares an article from the NY Time on to make the perfect burger
- Flag Folding - Several links on flag folding
- Organization and Freebies - Princess Mandy shares a list of useful links for organization.
- When Fate Hands You A Lemon, Clean With It - kaya shares some tips about lemons from Frugal Families
- The American Historic Cookbook Project - katie posts an amazing link that gives a collection of old cookbooks scanned and available to browse via PDF
- What to Drink with What you Eat - I think this is an essential book for those of us serving but also those of us that enjoy wine.
- Betty Crocker Cookbook - review of a classic
- The Flavor Bible - The title fits this book perfectly. It is a book that helped me become a better cook.
Special Interest/Assorted/Random posts:
- Making House guests Comfortable and Welcome - Essay I wrote for Simply Service about things to do to make your house guests relaxed and enjoy their stay with you
- Jouet, kaya and myself answer a question sent to us by a reader - Tackling your to-do list by Jouet, What To Do When You Don't Know What To Do by kaya and Getting Started by me
- A Month of Menus - I share as the title suggests a month of menus
- Packing Lunch - katie shares her plan for packing lunch and also shares a recipe
Friday, August 07, 2009
My sisters were talking about how they had to catch up on some Mad Men episodes that they recorded. And I said I hadn't seen it yet but had it on my Netflix queue. And my little sister said, "I think YOU will REALLY like it." The way she said I knew there was something behind her thinking. And I asked her why. And she said, "well...the men are....well....domineering."
Thursday, August 06, 2009
Robin discussing her life in service to Chris Parker on the plane to Ireland....
"It was everything you said, everything you wrote, about the balance between owner and owned, the sense of knowing your place in the world and the strength that comes from that. Oh, I guess there were some days when I hated the workload, or I was just exhausted - but I never hated my life."