Words...Part 4

Some more words....

Artistic - As a little girl, I would draw, cut, paste, paint...just create in anyway allowed. And it is one thing that I have always felt I would have in my life no matter what. Because it was just hard to ignore it. But I did push it aside for people in my life. And I regret that I allowed that to happen. I am thankful for Master nudging me back into it. And grateful for his encouragement and support of artistic side.

Girly - (Another) As a little girl, I loved to dress in skirts. I wore pants but preferred skirts or dresses. And if I did wear pants - I still looked girly in pinks and purple, ribbons in my hair...just several little things giving that girly touch. And so through the years that really didn't change. Now I often though I do girly in different ways - to feel sexy and feminine. Red satin and lace often make me feel very girly and sexy.

I can get dirty or messy but I don't like most of the time. I have to be in the right mood or frame of mind. Like going out to do yard work I know I will get dirty. Taking a day trip where we might stop and walk around in the wilderness - I know I might be clomping around on a dirt trail. But if I am out and about doing errands and step in a puddle or drip something on my blouse - I can't stand it. I am one of those girls that doesn't leave the house without make up. If I am going into a store or out around people, then I need a least a little make up on - some mascara and lip gloss at the minimum.

Enthusiastic - I am not sure I would characterize myself as enthusiastic. I tend to throw myself into new projects so maybe get a little excited about them. Or maybe I do get enthusiastic of course about things that I am passionate about. And a couple of things are my friends, the lifestyle and my art. I am sure there are other things but those are the first things that came to mind.

Strength - Sometimes I see my strength and other times I don't see it at all. I am sure it is like that for most people. I know I have gotten through some tough time and know my strength helped me get through those times. But I also think I have a strength in my slavery. I have a strength that I didn't have before Master. I strength of awareness in who I am.

Individuality - Again not sure it is a word I would use to describe myself. I know that by leading the life I do - it isn't something a lot of people would do/enjoy and I also know that how I do it isn't something a lot would enjoy. But it works for me. But the main reason I wouldn't use this word for myself is because I am so intertwined with Master. It often feels like I am not an individual.

Pants

When I was a little girl, my Mom was that type for the most part that said pick out what you want to wear for the day. Only exception to that was of course when were going somewhere special - Grandma's, church, parties and such. So often as a little girl I picked out dresses. I loved to wear dresses and I still do. As a teenager, I pretty much succumbed to peer pressure and wore what others wore - jeans mostly. When I was married, I still fell into the fad thing. It had become the norm. But all throughout when I wore dresses or skirts, I always felt better. It felt natural for me. I liked feeling feminine. By the end of my marriage, I was wearing dresses and skirts almost always. I owned 2 pairs of sweats and 2 pairs of khaki pants.

So fast forward to 1998 when I was owned by K. He liked that I wore mostly dresses and skirts and basically made it a rule for me that I wasn't allowed to wear pants without permission. I can remember wearing sweats just a few times - once to dig out my car from the snow. And another time when I was really ill and hardly able to move and so very cold always. And I don't remember wearing my khaki pants but I am sure I did a few times with his permission. I never wore pants without permission. I have an obedience fetish what can I say.

When I was released from K and started escorting and owned an escort agency, I bought 2 pairs of dress pants. One pair that was really long that I could wear with heels and another regular pair to wear with flats. As I said above I prefer wearing skirts and dresses, but there are sometimes I pants are easier. When it is very cold, putting on pants just is easier and warmer. Another time I like pants...well just going to be blunt....is during my period. I just feel more secure that way as someone that doesn't always have a consistent menstrual flow.

So now I am Master's and not allowed to wear pants in public. What that means is I can wear pants at home. And then on the very rare occasion when I won't be getting out of the car such as when we run to drop mail in the mail box or go through the drive through to get an ice cream. And that is fine with me. I am one of those girls if I have get out of the car then I better have make-up on, hair in place and nice clothes on. I have some yoga type lounge pants, a really warm pair of polar fleece and then several pairs of thermal underwear and cuddl duds because I am always cold. And Master doesn't like me being so cold. When out and about in public - going grocery shopping, out with friends, going to the library or whatnot I wear a skirt or dress. So the 2 pairs of dress pants I had when I lived in Cleveland those 2 pairs of dress pants were hung in the back of the closet but they have not been worn here....

Until now.

I really hoped to start the new year off with blogging more but unfortunately 2 weeks ago I tripped. I can't blame snow or ice. We did have a little snow but not enough to make me "slip" plus there wasn't any snow in the spot I tripped. Master and I were running an errand early in the morning so I was wearing lounge pants and my birkenstocks (yes with no socks in the winter.) I got to the car and realized I had forgot a couple things so Master sent me back in. I was walking back to the car and looking at the things in my hand to make sure I had everything and tripped on a little break in the pavement of the driveway. As soon as it happened I knew it was going to be one of those trips where I couldn't save myself from falling flat on my face. So anyway I fell HARD and hurt my knee which has caused me to not be at the computer much lately.

But back on topic of this post...pants. Because of my fall, I couldn't wear tights, knee high socks or long socks because of all the bruising and swelling. I could barely get little anklets on without help because I couldn't bend my knee enough to bend over and put them on. Since I couldn't wear tights, knee high socks and long socks - means skirts are pretty much out. Master and I had a job the day after I fell and all I would have to do is sit behind the camera and film so I could do that in pain. But what to wear. It is a professional setting and don't have the money right now to be going out and buying me pants just to wear a few times. I then remembered the dress pants in the back of the closet.

Since that fall I have been wearing those dress pants when we need to go in public and it is SO weird and uncomfortable to be wearing them. I just don't feel "right" in them. My knee is finally starting to feel better so hopefully next week I will be back in skirts. And feel like I am in my natural state again.

Standing Up...

Girls want to pee standing up? A friend got this and says it works really well! She even got a live demo before buying it. I think it is an interesting concept so passing it on.

(if the link doesn't work - go here and then click on pstyle)

Question 8 - to the ask me ANYTHING post

From my Ask me ANYTHING post: If you could give one piece of advice to new D/s couples what would that be?

Only one?

Really that main thing that comes to mind is...that just because you are now doing a form of BDSM - the vanilla things are not suddenly transformed into something more...more exciting, titillating, erotic, sexy and so on. Paying the bills is just paying the bills. Washing the dishes is just washing the dishes.

So my advice would be not to expect reality to change into a wonderful fantasy we read about in smut. Yes we all go through that honeymoon period where all seems to be transformed, but life does intervene and it is OKAY. It doesn't mean that you are suddenly vanilla just because you do vanilla things.

Just keep the foundation in mind which reminds me of something I wrote for a workshop Master and I did at SMARTfest.

This is part 4 of 4 (Link to other all 4 parts - remember this was a speech made into essays so might read like talking to an audience and that is because we were)

A guide to a living a D/s or M/s relationship within Reality:

1) Be honest

Be honest about your wants, needs, things that are grating on your nerves, little pieces of information about your partners that drive you nuts. Be honest how you feel and what you are thinking. Be respectful to each other when expressing all these honest feelings. This goes for both dominant and submissive.

2) Take things at one's own pace and moving forward only when it feels right.

You don't need to speed through things. If you have faith in your goals and foundation then you will get there when it is right. And just because you are going slow does not mean you are not in an D/s or M/s relationship.

3) Have great sex and great SM in your relationship.

We hope you all know how to do this one. If you are not having great sex and great SM, figure out why not and fix it. If it is just not enough time - make time. If it means putting off the laundry for an hour or taking a quickie at lunch while kids are at school then MAKE it happen! (That is if your relationship involves sex and SM)

4) Do not compromise the basic structure and dynamic.

This one - to us - is big for keeping things set in reality. We are sons/daughters, friends, fathers/mothers, husbands/wives, employees and we can still have our D/s dynamic and be all those things. We don't have to say, "oh now I am vanilla and now I am doing D/s." Don't let the activities you do - such as protocols or SM - rule your dynamic. Let the foundation rule your dynamic. If you make D/s a part of your foundation and don't compromise that dynamic then you can keep your D/s set in reality.

5) Have a common commitment to the relationship.

This is what makes D/s and M/s relationships work. If you and your Dominant/submissive are striving towards the same goal with the same intensity, faith and degree of commitment, then you will make it work within reality.

One last thing again...The goal in creating a solid foundation is combining the dominance and submission - intertwining them to make it your lifestyle...your life. It should be woven together so that your daily life can be seen as a D/s or M/s dynamic to you even in the most vanilla of situations. But also don't complicate things by separating aspects and activities in your life as D/s or vanilla. Don't let the activities you do define your relationship. Make your dynamic your life.

Here is where I am....

...randomness...

domestic - Master bought me a new ironing board pad so today I spent 2 hours ironing it is amazing what the new pad did to the shirts.....they were so much crisper then they usually were the thin little pad that was there. Yes it is the simple domestic pleasures I enjoy! I also folded some clothes (more to go) and sewed up some holes in my favorite dress that I wanted to pack with us.

clothes - speaking of my favorite dress...do you have that piece of clothing that you get lots of compliments in and is one of the most comfortable pieces you have....this is my favorite dresses. Everyone always tells me I look so pretty in it but that dress 1) cost me next to nothing and 2) is so damn comfortable. And that because it is so comfortable it is my favorite summertime dress. It is one of those dresses that has the rayon string strap sundress and then it has a gauzy type second dress over it. So that dress had to come with me. I knew I would have to dress up a little more for this event....so I drug out some clothes that I don't get a chance to wear very often. But I didn't like how one outfit looked so I took a scarf and then tied that around my waist. And while I don't think it looked too bad - I still was just so very self conscious as I just don't wear things around my waist/stomach very often. I am the type of girl who hates to tuck things in too...always have been that way even when I was a size 8. As a What not to Wear viewer I know that at times doing the scarf around the waist....actually takes away from the stomach because it was creating a different line then it was before. Now it shows curves instead of as before I felt like a column with a bubble in the middle of it. So anyway, I tried it on it wasn't horrible but it is not something I am used to either so I asked Master what he thought and he really liked it. I told him I might try it on for our friend that is going with us to see what she thinks...so I get the female perspective. Master did fake crying because I couldn't just take his opinion since you know he is such a fashionista. (grins)

mail love - I got a card with a pink high heel on it that was just so cute and then my friend said the most wonderful things in it that made me cry....good tears. Thank you kaylee!

Daddy - I have the bestest Daddy. I got hooked on paid livejournal and so he bought me some more time....so I have the BESTEST Daddy! I love you! Thank you for the wonderful treat! So now I can keep doing polls and phone posts over there.

high maintenance - because of comments that I have received from the post on it - it has made me really think about it even more. Anyway, when I lived in Ohio and Master was in Colorado it was ROUGH! I am sure all my friend's in Ohio would agree as I am sure they were probably pretty fed up with me. Anyway, I felt insecure and all sorts of issues were coming up so I probably was high maintenance then. But....when it comes down to it. It had nothing to do with me really wanting attention or being needy -- it was totally my issues. My issues from past baggage. My fears of what if this relationship doesn't turn out. What if is just like the rest. What if I fail him. My fears of what if he doesn't want to keep me. What if....what if...what if. So to me if Master were just giving me attention or instruction - the issues would never be resolved as we would have been covering up the problem with a bandaid but never cleaning it out and really looking at it so could be healed. So I do wonder if that is actually what goes on with others...they feel cared for and quells those fears and what ifs in that moment when they get the attention and instruction but it is like a quick fix...never really solving the problem and what really causes it in the first place.

out of town - We leave to go out of town tomorrow and won't be back until Tuesday late so there won't be any update until either late Tuesday if I am awake but most likely it won't be until Wednesday.

More Answers to the Q&A Meme

from kaya:
1. Would you unkink yourself if you could? nope

2. What aspect of D/s is your favorite? serving

3. What aspect would you leave out if you could? wow at the beginning I would have loved that I didn't have expectations. But I think I have a much better handle on that. I wish I could leave out burn-out from juggling everything.

4. Do you like housework? for the most part I do :)

5. Do you drink coffee? no but tea

6. What was your favorite grade or class in school? 12th grade was my favorite...I didn't really like school so getting out of school was good. I liked learning but I guess I just feel I learn differently then the schools taught. 12th grade though did bring some bad things such as Don but also brought my ex-husband and although we are divorced I will never regret being with him.


From tulsa:
1. Have you ever had and enjoyed vanilla sex? yes many times and yes I do enjoy it too. I like that tender touching sex...where 2 people feel as one. That can happen in rough sex too - the feeling as one. But I like it when it happens in tender vanilla sex too.

2. How often do you get to be a little girl? for me often what happens is that the inner little girl in me comes out on and off through out the week. I have lots of residual issue from a past Daddy/little girl relationship that I still battle with so although I let her come out in little ways we don't actually stay in Daddy/little playtime for very long. We have done it a few times but as I said I still have residual issues and so it is hard for me to let that part out for longer periods. Luckily Daddy is very patient and loving so it helps me feel safe when letting that side out.

3. What's your favorite outfit? LOL I have my period right now so what is coming to mind is all comfort clothing - cuddleduds/long johns, sueded cotton hoodie, soft t-shirt and red wool socks. If I didn't have my period right now I probably would have said my black swing skirt, black satin camisole and pale pink cardigan with beautiful rhinestone buttons (each different), tights and mary janes!

4. Your favorite dessert to make? oh hard one for me as I LOVE to bake! For the ease of it my Mom's Chocolate Chip cake that is so moist and delicious. For the elegance...cream puffs filled with homemade chocolate filling and then drizzle chocolate ganache over them...with a little blob of whip cream and maybe some berries to make it look even more pretty.

5. What's your favorite seasoning? actually grill mate or grill creations for chicken is one of my favorites because it has everything in it...garlic, pepper, salt, red pepper, and so on. Next would be basil - I use basil a lot.

6. When/how did you come to your current spirituality? I was raised Lutheran and I still do have some Christian based beliefs. I think it was after reading the Celestine Prophecy (in 1995? 96?) that my spirituality started to change. I started to see that a lot of religions has similar underlying beliefs. And so I started researching other religions. When I came to Buddhism it seemed to speak to me more then any other. I had a friend once tell me I have a cafeteria type religion -where I pick and chose what I like and throw the rest out. He looked down on that but I don't and it really is true. I have gone down the line and found things that I like, feel right to me, and work for me -- so I take them and utilize them in my spirituality.

Top 5 Meme....Answers Part 1

These were asked on LiveJournal so thought I would post them here too....

Top five songs to listen to while cleaning the house:

This one was hard as there is not just five top songs. it is more like styles or era's of music that I do when housecleaning. I will often put one of those music channels on that are on the cable...sometimes it is Standards, other times 80's, 70's or todays hits. Or I will pop a cd in and then listen to the whole cd and change to another. So I am picking one song off of 5 cds that I often put into the cd player when cleaning. And this will probably be an embarrassing list! So thanks K!

1. Come into my World by Kylie Minogue
2. You should be Dancin by the Bee Gees (Saturday Night Fever Sountrack - tied close to the Xanadu Sountrack with ELO)
3. Tiny Dancer by Elton John
4. Into The Groove by Madonna
5. Jailhouse Rock by Elvis Presley

Top five books:

Which I have to say was easy for me as I have done those on a book meme before.

1. The Valkyries by Paulo Coelho
2. Celestine Prophecy by James Redfield
3. The Forgetting Room by Nick Bantock
4. The Pilgrimage by Paulo Coelho
5. Home Comforts: The Art and Science of Keeping House by Cheryl Mendelson

Top five ways to treat yourself:

this one was kind of hard for me also...I just can't treat myself...because it is all on his time. Which I know you understand. Also the things that I used to do as treats involved usually leaving the house...I can't do that now. Treats then were going and getting an ice cream cone, go shopping, go just get a coke and spend sometime reading a magazine outside at a favorite spot or Barnes and Noble. Now I don't leave the house without Master so....it is harder for me to just go out make a special treat for myself. I do have down time at home though and I guess that is a way to treat myself....and there are other things I could do here at home that would be a treat...but often don't do as I would feel guilty.

1. spend extra time in my art room
2. read
3. take a bath in our jet tub...don't do it often can count on one hand how many times I have done this in the past 3 years.
4. watch a movie while I soak feet in our little foot bath thing...then do a pedicure and foot spa like treatment
5. call a friend


Top five things on your "to do before i die" list:

1. to have more spiritual awareness for myself
2. to travel more
3. to be "successful" in my art
4. to say "yes this is it" in my service to Master. Meaning that I have reached a point where I have wanted to always be in it.
5. give back more into the world

Top 5 things that make you feel girlie:

1. lipstick
2. lingerie - especially under clothes out in public...like a teddy under a dress
3. glittery make up
4. twirly dresses or skirts
5. pink! any time I put on pink....it makes me feel girly

More to come....

Going out of Town.....Random Thoughts....

~ We leave today to go on some trips....it is 3 parts to it for me and 2 parts for Master. So we will be gone 10 to 12 days. And I doubt I will be able to blog in between - might be a slight chance on Wednesday or Tuesday but I am not holding out on that.

~ I of course have had tons to write about this week but been so busy. I started my 2nd part of my poly entries. But it won't be ready before I leave as there is just so much there I want to write about.

~ Master is out gassing the car, grabbing us breakfast, and stopping by his office one more time. I am incredibly proud of the video he did for work.

~ I am going to the Servants Retreat as the 3rd part of my trip. Catherine Gross is the one putting it on and this is her last year of doing the Servants Retreat so I am glad I am able to catch it before she stop doing them.

~ I hope that we are able to relax a little on our trips as when we get back we will be very busy again....at least I will. I have my deadline for my client, a couple of doctors appointments, Master's parents want to visit in October and my parents have talked about coming in October too. Plus I will do my fall cleaning and I have a several birthday's in October. I always kid my Dad telling him he always had a good birthday as 2 of his children were born nine months after his birthday.

~ Our trips will encounter low 40's, possible snow, spring like conditions so 60's and 70's and then the last part of my trip will encounter summer like conditions of 80's. I feel like I packed the whole closet! We are having to bring tons of bags because I have so much.

~ I baked yesterday 2 dozen muffins and 3 dozen cookies. They are being split between different parts of the trip.

~ I dyed my hair again...and wow...it almost looks like I have black hair. It is called black cherry and I have done it this brand and shade before but it never took this dark. I left it on a little longer then usual though as I was busy doing things and lost track of time. So maybe that is why.

~ I feel like I am forgetting something for our trip....I hate that.

~ I should be nervous about part of our trip.....going to be around everyone Master works with but I have not had time to get nervous. Master bought me 2 new tops the other night. One of them I will wear with a little satin slip skirt to a dance they put on every year. It is a sweater and it only cost $5. And we were not sure how it was going to look as it has some funky sleeves but with the right skirt, accessories and shoes I made it look pretty good...at least that is what Master said. As He said right away that is what I would wear to the dance - over one of his other favorite dresses that is one that kind of slinks down the body and then flows away. I feel very girly girl in that dress as it does wonderful twirls. But in this outfit I feel very grown up sexy you know that feeling of being kind of subtle sexy....there are touches that are so feminine but I am not really showing off skin or anything. I thought yesterday this outfit would look really good with my boots too. I have black boots that hit right under the knee and really hug the calves. Master loves them on me. But where we are going to be -- all the walking to get to the dinner and dance - very mountainous plus being out of breath because of the altitude - makes me a little dizzy that it probably was not a wise idea as they are a little to spiky and I could see me tripping and hurting myself before the 3rd part of my trip.

Life Update

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Meme: Me Explained - Question 1

A reader emailed me and asked, "How is it you can be a girly girl and love make-up and not wear perfume?"

Couple reasons - the first one now...is that Master is not real hip on perfume. And it is really not allergy related or anything, He just does not like the smell of perfume. The second and more long term reason is that most perfumes give me migraines, so I don't wear them.

I do wear body sprays as they seem to be lighter so they don't give me a headache and Master likes them also. I bought PearBerry and Country Apple at Bath and Body Works after Christmas sale. It was hard finding scents Master was really happy with though. I really liked the coconut Lime but He did not like. Oddly enough He smelled it in some other store (a discount store) and He liked it then so we got it for His niece as part of her care basket we gave her to help her through chemo.

When I was high school I was a big Calvin Klein Obsession fan. My ex husband - then boyfriend - would give me a bottle every year for Christmas. It is actually still one of the few perfumes I can actually wear that for the most part does not give me a migraine (but it did a few times.)

Friday Night - Master's whore

Friday 10/8 – We left for Denver in the late afternoon. Once we arrived at the hotel, I wanted to be able to get “dressed” for Master. Meaning I wanted get all dolled up…get sexy and slutty for Him. I asked Him if that would be okay and He actually needed to do something before Saturday so that worked out good for Him. After Master left, I freshened up and started to get all dolled up.

I first did my hair and make-up. I was going to wear a wig, but it ended up not looking so good. So I just did some curls in my hair and called it good. I then did my make-up….deep rosy blush, gold creamy eyeshadow, gold liquid eye liner, black black mascara and a deep rose lipstick topped with a shiny apple scented lipgloss. Master has a thing for gold eyeshadow. But I don’t think I look very good in it as my skin tones kind of wash the gold out.

After hair and make-up were out of the way, I started to get dressed. Even as I getting dressed, I felt the anticipation building. I had set out black satin panties, matching bra, black thigh highs, short black and ivory baby doll and black boots. Master loves textures and so everything was silky and satiny. After I zipped, on the boots I took a final look in the mirror and sat down on the bed feeling like Master’s slutty whore.

I sat in this hotel room all dressed, all nervous from anticipation. I sat on the bed thinking of being a whore and I got even more little tingles of fond memories.

Soon I heard the door handle rattle and Master entered. He seemed very pleased. He loved the boots. Master got undressed and we laid on the bed talking a little bit before getting hot and bothered. We kissed long deep passionate kisses. We touched each other all over. Moans and deep breathing echoing beneath the kisses.

Master decided He wanted the leather hood on me. He laced it up and then went back to touching me…His fingers teasing me….His cunt. I was moaning, groaning, whimpering and wailing. I was sloppy wet. I was crying on the edge….and soon was begging Him to fuck me. Master pulled me to the edge of the bed getting me up on my knees to fuck me from behind. Oh how I love doggie style and it is not very easily done with Master’s bed at home. As He has an exceptionally high bed and He has bad knees. He fucked me hard. I was moaning and screaming as He fucked me. Bodies slamming against each other...driving me into the mattress.

When Master came, He almost came violently. He dug His nails and fingers into my hips hard. He slammed into me making me feel like He was going to split me open. And I loved it. I loved feeling Him deep inside me. Loved the feeling of His hands grabbing His property…using her. Fucking her. Making her scream, moan, groan, whimper, plead, beg, and cry in pleasure and pain.

I think we both fell asleep quickly.

Saturday’s coming tomorrow.

Happy Birthday Honey!

I hope that you have a great birthday!


On to other news...

Well I am sitting here with much shorter hair. When I moved here my hair was down to the top of my bottom – all one length. Then in December of 2003 I had a lot of damage to my hair – the dry weather here is not nice to my hair. Anyway, Master thought it would be good if I got it cut a little shorter so then it was just hitting my mid-back.

Now…

Well it is maybe an inch to 2 inches below my shoulders. And I now have bangs.

I am not sure if I like it. It was/is a hard change for me. But it was what Master wanted. And so my hair got chopped off for Him. He really likes it so that is good.

One good thing I thought of last night in regards to it…is that I can put it in pigtails. I realized this when Daddy was tucking me into bed. When He tucks me in bed, the little girl in me comes out so easily. Anyway, I realized that my hair now will probably look very cute in pigtails. My hair was so long that I had those long pigtails and it just did not look good on me. So one evening we might be having a Daddy/little girl night. I will wear pigtails and other little girl things. We will watch Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory and I can color pictures for Daddy.

Shoes for $3

Music: Jewel

Well, the last entry was weird. Kevin said he did not even understand it. Which made me have mixed feelings. I was just feeling lost, alone, out of control. I wanted to feel a place in the world.

Saturday -

Not sure what I did in the morning but afternoon I went shopping. I bought 3 pairs of shoes all $7 and less lol one pair even for $3. Not sure if I will be able to wear them long but what I was thinking I would wear them for - that is not a problem. :) I bought a skirt for $5 too but do not like how it looks on now that I got home. I bought things like altoids, Kleenex, condoms, gum, clear nail polish and a few other odds-n-ends and those things added to be more then I spent on the shoes and skirt. LOL

I came home from shopping and then got ready to go to a party. I, of course, got my period right before we were to leave so I was not a happy camper. I wore a black skirt and red shirt that shows off my cleavage. And a pair of my new shoes that were flat and comfy lol I bought a pair of mary janes yesterday too…almost wore those but did not match the outfit….goes more with my plaid short skirt. Maybe wear that to the next party.

The party was okay. Nothing great nothing terrible….very much as I expected. I got drunk. I had a nice time talking and getting to know some of the people more.

I always dread going to these things but end up having an okay time. But it is sad that I really need a drink to make me relax at these parties - because they are work industry people and so I feel like I am businesswoman mode. And I just need to relax, flirt and laugh and have fun! Which the drinks allow me to do.

Sunday -

Slept in since we got home about 3:30am. Then Kam went to pick us up some lunch. He is down about something - probably just feeling my feelings. He often does. And so he has been down and it is hard on me as I feel I can’t show my feelings then. And that is stressful to not be able to relax in my own home.

I was working on some work things and then Kevin messaged. We chatted a little bit. I am hoping Nick calls like he said he would. So kind of waiting for that. Tonight is the Janet Jackson concert on HBO. I like her a lot and love that cd so I am looking forward to jamming in front of the TV watching her. Yummmmmy!!!

I heard from Honey the other day that was good! I was happy to hear from her. It seems so weird that it is almost a year ago I was there in Germany with her.

Getting a little frustrated with Di. I will always love her and she will always be my best friend. But it gets hard to reach out and try to keep maintaining things and have the door slammed in my face every time. And that is what I feel is going on.

Admitting something I don’t want to be…..

Todd is still a part of me. I am not over him. I knew he was a part of me but he is more a part of me then I was admitting to myself. :( He goes in ups and downs with me…where I think about him lots and then not at all of days or even a week or more. I wish I would not have fallen in love with him…..I don’t mean that really. I just wish he had not hurt me so much.

peace,
danae

Needs

I am not sure what to write tonight.

I wrote a post on will last night on one yahoogroup and it spawned a conversation on slaves and needs. One person had that view of the only need a slave has is of that to please and serve her Master. I am sorry when I read that I roll my eyes, because I want to say what planet do you live on. We are humans and need things. I need to submit but I also need trust and caring in my relationships too...along with other things. If my trust is broken, it is not easy to serve. And it always just amazes me when submissives say oh your only need is serving and pleasing.

Someone used the car analogy only said basically that a car can't talk or leave so neither can a slave. My analogy is a car will start making noise if the Owner is not putting oil in it on a regular basis and not getting it tuned up. It will stop running eventually if it is neglected. And same with a slave.

I had dinner with Moni...the last time we had lunch/dinner was in August. So it was LONG overdue. We had a nice time and I missed her so much so I am glad that we had that time together. After that I went shopping since I was not far from Gabe's. My favorite favorite bra they had there not in my size one size up but I think I might take it to my seamstress and see if she can bring it down a size - the cup size fits perfect just the to big around. So that would be cool...if she can do it I might go buy the rest of them this weekend. I mean they were $25 but I got it for $6 and my favorite...show off my cleavage. :)

Tonight I got home and signed online and there were several offline messages from Sir Nick! They were just the words I needed to hear. He has had something big happen at work and so he has been not able to talk to me much this week besides on the phone a few nights ago. I had wrote him a long letter yesterday so it was important to him that I know that he was not ignoring me so he left me a great long offline message...plus 2 other shorter ones. And to top it off I caught him just before he was going to log off so I had a few moments of his time then too. So I am smiling! :)

Sitting here thinking of the other things floating around in my head....like today I cried and then laughed in a matter of minutes and how to explain the whole situation that went on.

not sure i am going to lol

good night...

peace,
danae

you need a purpose always to occupy yourself

I was writing about other things tonight so thought I would try to finish up some of these thoughts and post them....and try to forget about the other post I have put up today lol

Work has been pretty good this week. Tomorrow night I am going to a party I have to dress up and decided to go with a black skirt and a black sheer top that is a zebra print. The sleeves are sheer and then the front has a black camisole under it. it has ruffles down the front and then the sleeves are 3/4 length with little ruffles. I have my period so my normal dress code for underneath the clothing has to be changed. I usually would go pantiless and wear a garterbelt and stockings and bra. But now it will be matching bra and panties...and thigh highs probably. I hate pantyhose but with my period I feel even fatter then usual so might opt for pantyhose for the control top. :)

Weight has been a big issue rolling around in my head. Mostly because of my impending visit with Nick. I am worried he will think I am "too" fat. He and I have discussed this. And he has seen PLENTY of pictures of me so he know what I look like. So not sure why I keep worrying about it so much.

Tonight I was one for a little bit and signed on to yahoo thinking Sir Nick would be there...but he was not :( But Ray was...we had an interesting convo....

I was telling him about something that I have told no one. He said some insightful things......about it and me. He said, "now that you're going to see him you need to push the envelope as much as you can" And I wonder if that is a fair assessment....on that. The other things he said were I would say accurate.....unfortunately. Ray said, "You need to be owned to quiet your head."....he went on to say, "you need a purpose always to occupy yourself with a constant state of being owned." And the last thing I wanted to post that he said, "your submission comes out strongest to men that aren't available... like you can only feel it strong when you know that it can never be... like this is coming from that part of you that doesn't want to be a slave, or is afraid of it... holding back from who you think you are."

interesting comments....

I right now feel very tired and like my mind is spinning out of control and that I just need to hang on until I get to Nick's but on the other hand last week I was feeling very upset because I felt he was not giving me the things I deserved and it was a different feeling then this week. It was a feeling of...uggghhh can't find the word....but this week I feel like I am lost, alone, sad...it might just be totally because I have my period who knows.

Mistress DM and I chatted a little tonight after I posted my last blogger entry on Kam. She had some interesting comments that I hope to address tomorrow. Because I should be in bed right now.

I know why I am not but I will not admit it out loud....

Just was sitting here for a moment staring at the screen.....

I miss Nick....

peace,
danae

Drunk

I do not know where to start.....

Lets see I had a really really bad long week...and Saturday there was a party that took all that stress away!

I had a migraine yesterday and I was not sure I was going to be able to go the party. But I finally got rid of it and got dressed to go out with Kam and another friend of ours. I had not wore my leather skirt in a while so decided to wear that and a black poets blouse and compared to the other women that came to the party and that were at the establishment we were at...I was OVER dressed!!! As in too many clothes lol

We went to 2 places and the first place was a bikini bar and the girls there were soooo friendly and nice! We had lots of fun!

OMG the tits I saw last night! And the last good bye kiss I had was out of this world. I was soooo drunk last night.

I had 4 drinks and they were not affecting me so the 5th one Kam ordered it as a double and then the 6th also. And then we switched bars and the 7th he ordered that way too. And I was drunk. I can't even remember some of it. I remember one of the gentleman motioning his finger towards me and I said what do you want and he said something and I kind of made a gesture like I was going to pop my breasts out of my bra....because with that bra they really do pop out lol And he nodded and said sure and I said I need permission from keeper since Kam was watching out for me last night and Kam said sure of course lol So I popped them out of my bra. Getting back in was too much trouble so I left them out for a while and then pushed them back in before we left lol

I had a great time...I can't even begin to explain it. I giggled all the way home. I hope I was not a stupid drunk but a cute one lol

I really needed last night and so glad that I had so much fun!

peace,
danae


Edit: 6/13/09 - I just was reading this entry and I want to someday remember what event I am actually talking about so going to add a little bit more here. The event Kam and I went to was an industry event for escorting. I think I actually even have a photo of me popping my breasts out that I mention. The kiss was with Cassandra.

I suppose I should blog…

Not sure what to say. Lots has went on but not lots that I can really write about it. Even though I probably could use it. A good journaling over it all. I am emotional but it is different then it would have been 3 months ago. I feel very in control even though I am emotional.

Right now as I write I feel very bratty/bitchy…

I feel very out of my place.

We always described it with Jackie as she was out of her box. Because with submission you get boundaries. I think good boundaries…at least for me.

Anways so I guess I am out of my box today…tonight.

Tomorrow Honey has off and we are going to go do some touristy I think…lol

The other night we went shopping and I got some mary janes, a pair of 5 inch silver heels and red heels. I am excited to wear them lol There is a pair of boots I looked at that I think I want to go back and get also lol

My sleep schedule has been totally screwed up since being here. Since right now it is 8pm Ohio time and it is 2am Germany time and I am up. And tomorrow I am going to be out doing things.

Right now…I wish lots of things that I cannot have…..

So good night…

peace,
danae