4am neurotic ramble

restless - lost - alone - trying to figure out what I need to do next. I don’t want to think about what comes next. It seems so muddled and then other times it seems so clear. I want it to just spill out and be right......there before me. I don't want to edit or backtrack. Life goes up and down and I am ready to just settle down and not have the chaos in my life with no edits, no rewrites, no backspacing.

Someone told me yesterday that is why I want to be with Nick. Because he is "normal." And will keep me grounded ,but of course they thought I would become bored and sabotage it - make it so he won't want to be with me.

I want him to want me the way I want him. And I am scared so scared he doesn't. I want him to wonder what I am doing and where I am and when will I get there to him....like I do with him.

Is he there? Is it all real? Does it all matter?

I want to worry about different things.....now in my life. I want to worry about things with him. I want to worry about life as a submissive. I want to worry about life pleasing him.

Nick has talked to me about having a secret garden that no one sees and he sees into some of it. I want show him the entire garden. I want to run through life with him......I want to hear music I have never heard before because that music is heard with him for the first time. I want to see the colors of the world for the first time through his eyes. I want to look into his eyes and speak those unspoken words that spoke between lovers. I want to share his secrets. I want the key to see all those things he has never told anyone.....but I want to know him...I want to know everything. I want to be inside him as much as he is inside me.

I wrote him an email after expressing love for him in my blogger. It was hard to do - to open up that part of the secret garden to him. I wrote him and said I am being neurotic - that I just needed to hear "everything will be okay" after he read it. We have talked on the phone since but I have not got that “everything is okay.”

Because inside of me there is an 18 year old young woman that still believes she is the center of the universe and that the world turns to the beat of her heart. In my mind as her I am better then everyone else. ....In my mind as her I am strong, safe and loved....I am.

But in my mind I can be wrong....because in my mind I am 18 instead of 34.

And today at 34 - I want everything to be okay.....is it okay?