Image of Self

Music: Jewel

Topics: just one big long long entry

These last 2 weeks have been strange for me - such a mixture of different things coming my way. I was on Belief.net one day and signed up for some discussion groups. And because of it I met some people of varying spiritual beliefs. So I have been researching many different spiritual beliefs this past 2-week. I have even met some very wonderful people that are so strong in their faith. Faith in people, life, energy, God. It has made me really want to feel that strength of faith they have...I just want to have it in life...to have faith in life right now.

I am starting to get my faith in people back as I am starting to move on and heal from recent bumps in my road that kind of knocked me down. So, that is a good thing. I mean I go through moments still where I am amazed that all that has happened this year has, but I get more reflective and annoyed - lol - then down about it now.

When Todd and I broke up, I had lots of people who were very supportive and here for me. I had people there helping me pull myself together - since in a way I was rebuilding part of myself. My head was so screwed up. I did not know up from down. Mistress DM helped me A LOT during that time when I was punishing myself for things that I should not have been. After Di wrote me that she did not think our friendship was working - I guess felt there was no point in trying - I had lots of people there to support and be understanding but I handled it on my own. I dealt with issues much more on my own. And that was interesting for me. And then the next little thing that threw me a curve that I had not anticipated has basically been the same way. I have ran some things past Kam. He has listened and been supportive. And Nick gave his views - because he cares and was very annoyed by the issue. I have let Nick help give me advice on the issue - but again - I am handling it more on my own then anything else. I reached out for advice though because my vision with this matter could become clouded easily. I am taking Nick’s advice just modifying it a little bit - which I know he will worry about - that it still leaves the door open for me to get hurt.

I know Nick would be very disappointed in me if I opened that door too much. Because it is unhealthy for me. I know I am walking around an issue without naming it but really I am doing that because it is better I don’t name it here. But trust me I know it is there and what it is - unfortunately.

Body image has been on my mind a lot lately partly because of Heather Corrina's entry that discussed that vary thing. (She also had a follow up entry about it so look the day after also if you go read her journal)

I think a lot about body image though on my own. It is not something that is great with me. I know that is something that surprises some people. Most think I have a very good body image. That I am comfortable in my skin. At times I am very comfortable in my skin. I think one reason people in my life think I am comfortable with who I am and my body image is because of how easy it is for me to "get" naked in front of people lol I don't mind it but at the same time I do. Most of the time I am in another place mentally - submitting - so being naked is not my forethought. The submission is what is important so I don't feel naked. I feel excited and warm...anticipating all that is to come. :)

Something Heather wrote in one of her posts on body image is seeing what others see when they look at you....I have many pictures on the web and none that I am totally in love with - most I am okay with and others I can't stand but others in my life like.even love them. So how do you argue with that? I mean I try lol I say that they are biased lol

How I see myself in my mind is totally odd to - I mean I see myself as I see myself when I look in the mirror today but when I dream and when I daydream and even when I think of events in my life lots of time - and in my mind eye I see me as when I was 18 years old. I am 18 years old in my mind. And I know why I see myself as 18. So much of me stopped growing then - emotionally. I am 34 years old and 18 all at once.

My body image with Nick is different then it has been with others in my past and I am not sure why exactly but - Nick's ex-girlfriend was a stripper. And that sticks out in my mind lots. She had a very good body and was I believe very pretty. And now he wants me. He has seen pictures of me. He knows what I look like....that always amazes me. He wants me and in times when he talks about being with me and doing things to me - it makes me feel very wanted. But back in my mind of course I wonder - how I am going to even compare to a stripper's tight hot body.

I know body image is something I need to discuss with him more - we usually just discuss that it is there - my negative body image. But we don’t discuss the heart of the issue. We did once but it was very briefly - he was at work and so got called into a meeting during it. He has tried to bring it up a few times - I just usually change the subject lol Not very smoothly most of the time. He is aware I am doing that but he is also of the opinion with me that I will talk about it when I am ready too. Hmmm not sure on that one.

While I am writing this. . . I have had flashbacks of memories - weird how things come back to you...I mean I just had a flash of about 8 clear...different little movies playing in my head.

1) My mom telling me that I needed to stop and be careful of what I was eating now (when I was 17) because it is harder to lose it when I get older then now. I was 120lbs and a size 7/8.

2) Don pulling at my skin on my sides telling me I was fat and ugly. I was probably at that time with him about 110lbs and it was not fat he was pulling - just skin but of course I believed him and thought it was fat. I was losing weight and eating nothing because he made me so crazy that I could not eat. Plus I was not allowed to eat unless he told me I could.

3) Another was with someone I was involved with......something that I am not sure I told anyone. The first night we were going to spend together...I knew it earlier in the day. And I talked to Honey on the phone and she told me that I needed to address the weight issue with Him. I mean he had met me already - seen me a couple time but this was the first time I would be "naked" in front of him. And I told her I did not think it was an issue because he had already "dated" me a few times - yes I had clothes on but he knew I was overweight. She told me I still needed to address it now - because I have had men have issues with - no one I really have got involved with seriously - but people who were people I was getting to know and then they have issues.

So, I hang up the phone with Honey and he calls. I tell him that I had been on the phone with Honey and that she had advised me to talk about something. I told him that if he had a problem with the weight he needed to talk to me about it now - not later. Because I was giving so much to him already - that I did not want to be hurt later because of that issue. That night we were alone together - it was so special. I know it is weird after you read this that I count that night as special but I separate it very much in my mind - like the 2 things did not happen in the same night. Anyway it is a night I will never forget.

I never had anyone do the things he did. We did not have sex. We did nothing sexual but it was totally intimate. He had me feeling very relaxed and safe. And then he sat next to me while I lay on the bed and he stroked my hair. And said to me...."Do you think I am dog?" I said "what?" He said it again "do you think I am dog?" I said, "I did not understand." He then went on to question if I thought so little of him to think of him being so shallow. I tried to hide my face and he had a hand in my hair and grabbed my hair pulling my head back so that I had to look at him and not hide my face. I ended up having to apologize for "thinking" that of him. That should have been a clue right there! ugghhhhh!

All I had done earlier was express feelings - that came from past things and he turned it around. He did that often though. Uggghh

(This was written before the Monday Mission by the way - I separate many things with him - there were good times and bad times and the pampering and good intimate time with him was special to me.)

4) My work...has improved my body image. So I had flashes of work things :)

5) Someone else I was with that had problems with my weight also but the submission and D/s things were the things he really liked and wanted. And he knew he would never get them how I give - ever again. But “it” was there - that knowing he was not "attracted" to me sexually because of the weight...but the submission turned him on.

6) Flash of my ex husband - when I was dieting - sabotaging me. He did not want me to lose weight because I would be more desirable to men and then leave him..those were his thoughts.

7) I brought it up with someone else - that I worry about he would think when we met - think about me physically. I did not want to get hurt - and he responded with “do you think I am shallow?”

8) In October I had been seeing a man - in a casual way - just dinner - meeting for diet cokes and talking. He knew how I felt about Nick - so it was very casual. One night he met me at a hotel room I had and then we were going to go to dinner. He walked in and kissed me. I was freshening up and he came in behind me while I was looking in the mirror. His arms went around me and he looked into the mirror at me....and his arms and hands hugged around me he let out a little moan and said you are so beautiful...sensual...sexy. And he turned me around and said will you marry me. It was a serious proposal that I turned down.

Probably wondering what that has to do with body image - well because when was telling me I was beautiful, sensual and sexy...I saw the look on his face - in his eyes. And I saw what someone else saw in that moment. Such pure..desire for me.

Many of these might not make sense why I am seeing them when I think about body image - but they all do play when I think of it - either they are sending me good messages or bad. But still sending me something that affects my view of my body.

These were a few of the images that really stuck out as I talk about body image. Posting those are going to be hard for me.

I wrote all the above on Sunday evening. It is Wednesday - so you see how hard this post is to me.

Nick and I talked on the phone for 2 hours Tuesday afternoon. It was nice to talk to him. He makes me feel so good even just talking about stuff - politics, religion, and daily life ins and outs. I learn new things about him each time we talk. I hear of his life experiences and am amazed by him often. Each day I grow more and more attached. I would say that most would think I was already attached before now. But it is hard to explain but things have changed with Nick. In a good way for me but they have also exposed myself to him more - then I have probably ever been exposed to someone I wanted to be involved with in a long term relationship.

I know I have talked about love is an energy to me. I can fall in love with someone. I can just love people too in various degrees of love - my love though in all cases to me is unconditional. There is one other form of love for me - and that is love without boundaries and I really have not had that with anyone. I wanted it with Todd and tried to let it happen but actually he rejected it - or rejected me - depending on my mood of the day. But my love does not end. I love Jim still. I love Todd still. I love Jackie. I love Kam. I love - Nick. All these loves are different.

I have never met Nick and I love him - it does not really make sense to me. But there is a level of love for him. And that scares me so very much. It scares me because I have not met him so it seems strange to me to love someone I have never met but he is a real person - we share time together even though it is not in person. And because of that time I have grown to love him. It also scares me because it makes me more vulnerable to him. And that really scares me a lot. He already has seen so much of me. It is hard to keep things from him. Not that I do - but at times there are things that are hard to tell and so it might take me a few days to tell him. But I want to tell him everything - always.

I had something happen a few weeks ago and how I reacted to it surprised me. And it made me mad at myself also. It was something I did not want to admit to Nick - I did not want to admit that it happened. But I did 2 days later. He did not seem surprised at all. He hears me. And even though he is not here - he can through my words see how I am reacting to things.

I want him to know all of my life. We have not met and we are long distant and so at times there is just not the luxury of telling him things. But tonight I had a little bump in my road again and he was the FIRST person I wanted to tell even though there was not that much to tell at this point. He is the first person I think of in the morning. He is the last person I think of before I drift asleep. It is like he is with me all day - in my thoughts. I do things and wish I were doing them with him. Or I do things and wonder what he would think of it. I often read things or see something and want to share it with him. I tell him things that I don’t tell others. I let him see my vulnerabilities and expose the danae that is my private garden but that I very much want to share with him and do share with him.

There are some areas he has not seen yet and there are walls still but a lot of that just has to do with distant and not having met yet. So, I hope that when we meet that all my feeling continue to grow with him.

Okay time for me to stop being mushy lol

Next topic is Poly - Mistress DM is going dealing with poly issues. And then one of her close friends that is on a list Mistress DM has - described her poly situation that is going on - and both women - made me be actually happy that I am not in that type of situation right now. Poly is really hard - dealing with all the people involved - the emotions, time and space issues and the results that can happen because each relationship can grow and change in ways that we cannot predict.

Nick and I have discussed Poly before. He has never done Poly. He really does not desire it but it something he does not rule out. I have explained my feelings on it. It is not that I would ever say he could not have poly. That is just not something I could do - telling him he could or could not do something. But I would hope that it would be done differently then it has been in my past. I would like it more where he could see who ever he wants but I am his primary. I would very much - like it if no one was to move in with us. That is just how I feel right now but that could change. I change often. I know jumping ahead of the game really but I think about some things long before they happen and others - I don’t even touch that maybe I should.

A while back I wrote Nick a story. The basic plot was that I set him up with a woman and then left so he could have sex with her. The story was a big deal for me - not because he was sleeping with another woman but the underlying reasons WHY I would do that. The reason: I want to give Nick EVERYTHING. I want him to experience everything he ever desires and there are just some things I won‘t be able to give him.

I had a dream where Nick and I were together - and he was out with his friends one night at a bar. This woman tried to pick Nick up. He flirted with her and she flirted and such. All the guys were giving him a hard time that he better be careful. And Nick said told them that I was okay with him being with other women. And they all looked at him like “yeah right.” And one of his good friends who knew me well - said, “no he is telling the truth.” They of course then all thought Nick was the luckiest man alive and that I was the coolest significant other ever. The next part of the dream was of all these men’s wives calling me and bitching me out for being that way - because the men then wanted them to be that way.

I am not jealous sexually of another woman. Sex is Sex to me. And I know I have a strange view of sex but it is my view. I can have sex with no emotional ties.

I have these feelings deep inside though that I am going to feel jealousy with Nick - not if he has sex with other woman but if he gets involved with them emotionally. I think I am going to have fun learning how to deal with jealousy. And I am very worried about that. I feel I am going to be insecure that he will say he does not want to be with me anymore and that he wants to be with whomever else he is seeing.

I know that when I was involved in poly many of the submissive would get nervous that I would tell my Dominant that he had to stop seeing them. And really then that was the last thing they had to worry about with me.

I found this article on love and poly - check it out. (I am not sure why this link is not working but here is the url - http://www.geocities.com/the_ravensloft/darren.htm)

peace,
danae