Life Update

Music: Mix CD

Topic: Life update, Convo’s with Nick, Emotional Aspects of BDSM and so on…

This week has been incredibility busy for me…..which was not all bad. I had something to do everyday except Monday. Now I am behind on doing things for some of the committees I am on because I just was busy everyday with something.

I talked to Nick on Monday because I knew this week would be busy that we would not be able to talk much. We talked for about 2 hours about just stuff. I did not ask him about the email I sent him. Last night when talking to Mistress DM she said do you know if he actually got the email. And I was like wow...duh lol I mean about every 10 emails Nick does not get from me.....so it is quite possible he did not get that one. So last night I forwarded it to him again. And said I REALLY needed the answer to the questions in this email. I rambled a little bit and then sent it. I have not heard back but I know last night he was going out to do some things and then today he was going to Mexico with some friends for the day. So it might be tomorrow that I hear back on it - if not I guess I will have to actually break down and ask him about it lol

Yesterday, I was checking mail when the phone rang and it was Nick :) It was a really good and fun conversation. I hung up the phone bouncing off the walls. He made me feel very wanted. And because I have been stressing over that email he has not answered and being paranoid he did not want me.....it was nice to feel wanted. Though I want my email answered still because in the back of my mind until he does - there will be doubt so I need that insecurity stomped out. Nick knows that I have insecurities and he, a while back, told me if there is questions in your emails that needed answered right away to help squelch that insecurity - that to let him know and he would do everything possible to help. He does not want me to have insecurities with him. I do but he does help squelch them a lot - he is open and honest with me and just knows how to handle some things with me that others have not ever figured out. Anyway, in that email I had sent - I said this is one of those that needs to be answered as soon as possible so because that did not happen - that insecurity is still there.

Well, anyway hopefully that will be addressed by tomorrow - if not like I said I guess I will have to break down and ask him about it.

The phone call with him was good. We talked about the Sadist. I had the Sadist contact me the other night. Thursday night/Friday early morning was a really interesting night online - I had about 4 people message me that were either kind of.....not sure the word - odd - I guess lol and then people that I have not talked to in a long time. The Sadist being one of them. Anyway, I crave of course to play with the sadist again. He pushed me like no one has since probably I have been 18 years old. But Nick has forbidden me to play with the Sadist again. And the Sadist and myself discussed that in which he basically was telling me of course - that Nick did not want me to play with him again because Nick was insecure. That one made me laugh. I explained to him exactly why Nick does not want me to play with him, which of course he had an answer for also. And it was true the answer but of course that answer was not going to satisfy Nick and I knew that. Nick has not told me I can play or have sex with others. He basically is like - we have not met - you have needs I can't take care of yet - so you can take care of them - BUT safely. And he does not think playing with the Sadist is one of the safest things for me. Forbidding me to play with the Sadist is one of the only rules that Nick has really ever put on me. Even though there are other things that I just do naturally and I know he accepts.....and pumps his ego because he does not have to even ask or exert Dominance that he just is being himself and that inspires me to submit. Which is kind of cool :) Anyway, we talked about the Sadist on the phone and it was a good talk and he has not changed his mind. I knew he had not. I felt wanted before he and I started talking about the Sadist but after we talking about him - I definitely felt even more wanted. :) And that felt good.

I have been craving pain so much lately. And I want to play and have a several people actually that I could play with but....part of me holds back because of Nick. It is like I don't want to play with anyone but him. Even though I know that could be possibly another 4 months to 6 months. Yes, really....I am nuts. As I told the Sadist the other night....Nick is worth the wait. I look back in my life there is no way I would have waited this long for anyone. I rushed into everything and if I were to wait I would get insecure and go do things to sabotage things. And so far I have had those insecurities and thought about doing things to sabotage but I don't. And that is a really good feeling. Nick inspires me to be a better person.

Nick and I talked about my friends here and some of the things I did this week. I was going to go to the informal last night but 2 things came up that made it so I did not go. But those things did not come up before talking to him. So I had been talking about going to the informal and Nick said one day he will be dropping by to say hi to all my friends there. :) I told him that most people ask me about him....ask how he is and how we are and he was really surprised. He was like well say hi to everyone then lol And then said one day he would be saying hi in person to them all . That made me bouncy definitely lol

Despite being so busy this week and being upset about Nick not answering my email I have actually been really up and bouncy all week. I know that Kam would definitely say I was in a good mood this week. One thing that is good with Kam is - that if I am in a good mood - like overly good - where I am bouncy, laughing and very outwardly happy - he is too. And even though he annoyed me one day this week it did not affect things with me - I mean bring down my mood. All men that day seemed to annoy me - which I thought was kind of ironic as it was the Les group the next night and I felt God was trying to tell me something lol

I have lots of friends and something I realized this week is that I hold them at arms length now. And that is bothering me. I don't want that to happen. Moni is the only one that I don't do that with - but I do with her even at times but I have always done that. I have always had one friend that was closer and then the rest I would hold myself at arms length with to an extent but it seems like I am doing it more right now. And I know the reasons - it still annoys me.

I just was looking at a calendar because I was looking to see when I should go see my parents. My mom's birthday is at the end of the month and I usually go see her then. But that weekend that I usually go see her, there is so much going on here in Cleveland/Akron area that I don't want to go lol how nice huh? In looking at the calendar I saw it is someone's birthday today. Someone from my past - his child. I did not even really realize I had that birthday marked on my calendar. I probably would have remembered at some point today though.

Well on to other things :) This next week is slower for me but still busy - well hold on just looked at day planner - damn I have something everyday again this week lol Even a date lol

My mind is all over (surprise surprise)- I just opened my email box and there was email from a friend online who is Muslim. He is a very nice man and reading his email - he often uses Muslim phrases - He said inshallah, which means if God wills. And that made me think of Nick. Yesterday, when talking to him he was talking about something and he said inshallah and I was like what?!? lol he surprised me. But then I thought about his past "jobs" and was not surprised he knew some Arabic. That would be Nick. He knows a few languages already - French being the one that I hear the most from him since he grew up in France. It is so cool when he starts speaking French…..yummy!!! : )

At one of the meetings I was at this week - we talked about Emotional aspects of BDSM. And that was a really interesting discussion and it is something I am thinking about writing an article about. It led me to think about the emotional aspects of my relationships - and my relationships with men and women are so different. I can emotionally be very detached with men even though I crave so much not to be. But like I can go have a one night stand with a man and walk away and not have it affect me. Just had fun and let it be that. But with a woman....I can't have a one night stand.....I have to get to know a woman before I can sleep with her and I have to have feelings for her - with her to be able to sleep with her. When I was first starting back into BDSM, I had a Dominant call me a slut and I was very offended. My husband had called me that before and so I had negative reaction to it. But then later after hearing it more and more from that Dominant I realized how my husband called me a slut - and how this Dominant called me a slut - were 2 totally different ways. And so other words like that I started opening up to. When he would call me slut it would totally turn me on. Now, I can have men call me those names and they don't affect me - UNLESS - I care about them and have that connection where I feel they have authority over me. Like Nick - when he calls me slut - I definitely react and feel something - good things *grin* And there are a few other Dominants that I feel that with but - lets say a Dominant I am just friends with came up to me and playfully called me a slut. It is "role" then to me I am playing. With Nick - I feel it. Also, if a woman were to call me one of those names - such a slut. I would react differently then when a man was to do it. I have gotten better with it also but it is has been a slower process then with men. Like Jackie would sometimes call me a bitch and it would irritate me - but if Mistress DM does it does not because she has authority over me for one. If some other female Dominant were to call me a bitch though I probably would get irritated and just laugh it off though. I am not sure I am making sense.

Basically, with men I have different emotional reactions then I do with women.

Oh I am sure Mistress DM will find this interesting. I was just thinking about names Nick and well Monsignor E have called me and then those Mistress DM has....and thought of my reactions to them. I react differently. When the men call me those names - I feel a primal - animalistic feeling come to the surface.....I feel that slut in me release the things I hold back. But with Mistress DM - I feel demure and turned on but more demure and shy. Isn't that interesting? hmmmm

I finally watched Buffy last night. The only part that really bothered me and it did not bother me that much but enough - was when Spike was attacking Buffy. It was real enough to give me flashbacks. But they did not stay :) And that is VERY VERY good thing. I just read a few sites - blogger people - that I know watch Buffy. Some of the comments they are making about Buffy made laugh out loud :) Next weeks episode looks really really interesting since Willow is going to go all evil it looks to get back at Warren for killing Tara.

I need to get to some emails - so going to post this and maybe - hopefully write more later tonight.

A quote I found….

"Perhaps all the dragons in our lives are princesses who are only waiting to see us act, just once, with beauty and courage. Perhaps everything that frightens us is, in its deepest essence, something helpless that wants our love." ~ Rainer Maria Rilke