Body Image Again

Music: MTV

Topics: Life Update, Body Image again, Writing

Wednesday - I had lunch with a friend. It was good to see her. She is a great woman and totally cute : )

I remember the first time I met her. It was the first time I met Di too. It was a fem sub meeting. And I really liked this girl…..I was very attracted to her too. I still am but now there is more of a friendship there.

I then went to go get my haircut but my stylist had called in sick. And after what happen to my hair not the last time I got it cut but the time before I am a little scared to go with different people now. I am just sticking with one person! Ironic thing was I was going to get about 6 inches cut and some layers put in - I am getting sick of my long hair - all the care involved in it. I will still have long hair but it will be like 3 inches past my shoulders instead almost down to my bottom. So now that is going to have to wait : (

Thursday - was kind of boring. But I talked to Nick on the phone, so that was good. We both were really tired though. My phone bill is starting to get big right now without an income coming in. I did not sleep well on Wednesday night. I had LOTS of nightmares and just was uneasy all night. And so I was up all night, so on Thursday I was just kind of out of it. I worked on a project for part of Moni and Michael’s wedding present. And then that was about it. Oh, I started a redesign of a website. Thursday night though I did go to bed REALLY early and slept. I woke up a few times but I went back to sleep.

Friday - I finished my project up for Moni and Michael’s present. And I got SJ’s birthday present together. Then it was time for some last moment shopping - I decided to wear the dress I wore for Honey’s wedding to Moni and Michael’s but I wanted new jewelry and shoes for it….to make it feel new. So, I went and did that. It really made me want to shop more though. I saw so many cute things. Michael and Moni’s wedding was very nice. She looked so beautiful and happy and Michael was bouncing off the walls he was so happy. I saw many good friends there too. SJ, Bill and Lisa were there and I had not talked to them in a long time. So it was very good to talk to them. Now that I am feeling better I hope to be seeing and going out with friends more.

As I was looking at the crowd and the people there…..it made me realize how much I have changed. Much of it for the good but there are things that I don’t like. I know that there are people who have come into my life that I would handled differently if it were not for someone else in my life. And if I were to handle those things differently that means that the person I did this for would not be in my life. Or there would be lots of added stress. It is just such a tug-of-war going on inside. But at the same time - right now - because I am freer - I am able to be more myself and I think those around me notice. I think they can see at times I am wanting to say something more. And actually I think I will talk to at least 2 of them who I saw on Friday night.

What is right for me to get upset about - stressed about - what is something to write off someone for - is much different then it is for a lot of people. But I have bent in my past to accommodate others wishes. And right now at this moment it annoys me.

There are some things I know I am too relaxed about though….I get hurt because I don’t like giving up on people. Always a balancing act for me.

So for now I am going to start getting back to doing what I want - and at times it might be hard. I have seen others in my life take on the personality of the person they were with and that always bothered me - and basically with this I did the same thing. So that really annoys me. I need to do what is right for me. If I don’t want to write some off, then I should not. Now on the other hand I do need to learn when to write people off too.

Next topic: Body Image….I am sure this not the last that I will write about it either…..

I was thinking about - my image of myself in my minds eye because of my long post on May 2nd and also because of a book - game type thing - it is called the Cube and it is really cool. I am not going to talk about it here because I want it to play it with some friends and not give anything away . Anyway, I see myself in my minds eyes, as I was when I was 18. And I had not really realized that even though I typed something similar in my entry the other day. It just did not sink in. It did now. I am so much that same 18 year old in my head. I tried several times today just to see ME as I am…I could but it was really hard to stay focused on being 34...not 18.

Okay so then the next thing - how do I get past always seeing in my minds eye that I am 18.…and do I need to? How much does that hinder me? And are there aspects of it that helps me - because just going with instinct - I would say yes.

I started thinking about when I began gaining weight. I have thought about that before and it is pretty clear when it happened. After Don and I split up, I started gaining weight very slowly. I then met Morgan in college and I stopped gaining and even lost a little. And then….Morgan died. I gained weight again and fast. Right before I moved here I lost weight and continued to until I become very unhappy and then I gained again a lot of weight fast again. I gained the weight to hide….to hide from the world. I know that. It was like I could become invisible. And I was able to be invisible when I was a little skinny chick….well….now thinking about it…I think I thought was being but there are definite things in my life that show that I did not hide.

My mind races on this topic because I know there is more here - and until I figure it out I don’t think I can lose the weight I need to -- well I might be able to but I think it will be harder to keep it off. But it is definitely bothering more then it has in the past. I don’t feel healthy right now. I mean I have felt very comfortable in my skin at times - and do right now - actually until I start doing things - that require some energy - that is when I feel the weight. Because of the symptoms that hang on with pneumonia - I feel it even more. Anyway on to something different.

Writing - Lately I have had SO MANY people say something about me writing that I guess it is time to start writing again. I used to write BDSM oriented articles for a newsletter. But I have not written anything like that in so long. It has been over a year I would say. I am not sure what to write about so if you have any ideas please drop me an email….I would much appreciate the help!

Archives are not showing up right now except for Oct. 2000 - the month I started my journal. :( not sure what is going on but hope to find out soon!

This next week is going to be very busy for me. Wednesday is the only day I don’t have something scheduled right now but that might change also. It is now Sunday here since it is 2:30am and I just received a horoscope I get by mail. It is actually one I just signed up for about a week ago and so far everyday it has been on it. Too on it. It says things that I am not even whispering to myself as they scare me. It is seeing things that no one else is seeing. Anyway in seeing the date at the top of the email - Sunday May 5th it made me realize that in 2 weeks it will be an anniversary for me. I met Todd a year ago the 19th of May. It seems like longer then a year. Well, I will have closure soon...now that I am feeling better. I will be able to do what I need to do. Yeah! It will be good. I know it. And I know Nick will be thrilled - he has had some fun times with me because the affects Todd left on me.

Life is going to be better! I am making a promise to myself and anyone that knows me - they know what a promise means to me.