Pain

Music: No Doubt

Pain

In talking about ideal start to a relationship for me...D/s relationship. I can see where people would think that I don't want D/s or that I am not submissive. But D/s is so not a role to me it is like I forget to talk about it at times.....because it is just there. Just like I don't talk about art really all that much because it is just there for me. Just like I don't want a Dominant who has to think about it and put it on like it is piece of clothing. I want it there part of the vary threads that makes up the whole tapestry of who he is…as a person.

I have been craving pain a lot lately.

I am a strong, intelligent, opinionated woman (yes despite what sometimes comes out in my journal) and what is it in me that makes me want to be humiliated and degraded and used in extreme ways? To be a hole? To be something less then human? To feel the pain and suffer for the person that does this to me? To feel fear and excitement in anticipation? To feel the control over me? To feel the power over me? To know I get in that place where I would do anything my Dominant says?

To hurt and suffer and FEEL. To FEEL something I don't feel anyplace else then when I feel the pain of being used, humiliated and degraded.

It is so hard to explain why I want the things I do. And basically I don't explain. I have stopped trying to explain. I have just accepted that it is a need in me. I remember Todd asking me several times why I wanted the pain. He wanted to understand why and I understood why he did but he could not just accept the fact that I needed it and that was it. That is all that really was needed to be known.

**side note* Probably going to write about Todd a lot this week - as he is on my mind since Sunday is the 19th and it was a year ago on the 19th that I met him for the first time in real life. I am hoping that I will be kicking him out of my head more this week. Notice I said more - I don't think I will ever get him all the way out. But I really don't want too. **

When I crave pain it will start out just a little feeling in me. And then the longer it goes without being satiated - the more it aches in me. There is this place deep inside me - dark. The images just flash uncontrollably at times. It is like there is an animal in me...that is trying to claw its way out to the surface. If I go to long without the pain, my skin feels like it is on fire and when someone touches me I jump as if someone has come up and poked that animal trying to claw its way out - startling it. The fire just burns so hot when that happen.

I have not played since Sept 4th and I am not sure if my life has been too hectic to notice or too stressed or what not, but I went a long time without even thinking about it all that much. But lately, it has changed. It is back that fire prickling to the surface....ready...needing. I get to a point where it feels like I am on that edge that nothing can stop me from getting the thing I need.....I crave, so that the animal in me quiets down and does not feel so cornered.

After the pain.....it is incredible the things that happen. A transformation of sorts. It is like a good therapy session to me. I sometimes cry and sometimes not but always always I feel like a weight has been lifted off me and I can focus on the big stuff and not sweat the small.

It’s like it is a cleansing of my soul.....to get way down deep into the part of me that seeks answers...seeks the why I am like I am.....but I do it in a primal way with the pain. I find the answers in the total release of all boundaries and walls of daily life. I am in that moment free.