Ideal Starting

Music: Mix CD

Topic: Ideal Starting

I was talking to a Dominant yesterday about what would be my ideal in meeting a Dominant and having the start of a relationship. And I described it.....as I described it and read back my words, I realized I was describing the beginning part of my relationship with Todd. It was very similar. I had a taste of what I dreamed of and to have it and then to find out it was an illusion was very hard on me. I am still dealing with it...Nick probably being the first to say that Todd still has a part of me. When Nick said that first time, anger swelled in me. I was so mad. Mad that at first because Nick could say such a thing to me knowing how I feel about him and then realism set in and I was mad because....it was true. F*ck *scrunches up face and makes icky faces* lol

I see what Todd "offered" in the beginning is my dream - but the reality with him was not my dream - FAR FAR FAR from it.

Anyway here is what I said to the Dominant that asked me about the start of my ideal relationship......

I would want someone that if we met online to email and talk online quite a bit....getting to know each other. And then move to talking to on the phone quite a bit and then.....date....vanilla dates. We would go to dinner, or for a diet coke/coffee and just talk and talk and talk and talk. Maybe go to movie, art museum, shopping, just hanging out. I would want to just do normal vanilla things. Because all that talking and getting to know each other will definitely to me - allow him to get in my head very easily - and allow me to get to know his wants, needs, likes and dislikes so that I can please him better.

Anyway, after several dates - the first time we spend a night together I would want to be soft and intimate. My views on this have changed so much over the years. I would want intimacy because really intimacy scares me more then anything BDSM he could do to me. And then I would want sex.....to come next. I remember one relationship I had - He was my Dominant and our first sexual experiences he went down on me. I don't know many Dominants that do that - ones I have talked to view that as a submissive act. (uggghhhh) And we were together a few times before he let me please him sexually. Not for the lack of my trying LOL I wanted that man badly - which of course how he set things up......it made me want him even more. Anyway, I would want sex next. And then.....I would want BDSM. My theory is if we can't be compatible in vanilla ways it does not matter if we are in BDSM ways. Because the foundation will be vanilla. Now, my terms of vanilla might be a little different then others. I would say I was vanilla with my husband - yet I deferred to him in all things. I did things to please and serve him - not because he was Dominant but because he was my husband....it was kind of a respect thing for me to show him my respect. Just like the man I described above that we did not have sex right away - no matter where we were we Dominant and submissive. Even though no one looking from the outside world could see that. He would have me do things that were hard in vanilla settings but nothing that no one would have ever noticed were hard for me. I treated him with respect.

I want someone who wants to possess all of me. I want someone that wants to know the artist, wants to know the person who gets passionate about books, art and music.....someone who wants to know the person who at home will put on a big men’s shirt - pull her hair up in a pony tail and snuggle up in bed to read or watch a video. I want someone to get to know all the parts of me - not just the painslut, masochist or slave.......I want someone to get in my head and possess me and that to me comes through getting to know the vanilla parts too.