Sunday, February 17, 2008

Wouldn't it Be Easier....

This was written several months ago but never got it posted. And then when I thought about posting well it seemed to not mean the same thing to me that it did at the time. But I decided this morning to go ahead and post it....because well it did go through my brain at one time. I still do go through hard times of communicating my desires and wants but it has gotten a bit easier because this post sparked conversation with Master back when I initially wrote it.

Some days I think it would be easier if I didn't have a terms and ideas associated with M/s. It would be easier to say I am vanilla -- like I was when I was married.

The other night Master got up to go to the bathroom and I woke up into that hazy place of not quite fully awake but awake enough to know what I wanted. I was horny. I woke up from a sex dream and was wanting to touch Master's cock. I had this strong desire to have of his cock in my hand. So when he got back into bed I reached over and started to touch his cock. And well Master was all for that. After having a very nice playtime, we were about to go to sleep and he said that was a nice surprise and I said he can thank that to me being half asleep and not able to talk myself out of it. The next day he asked me what I meant by that.

As his slave I have ideas and definitions in my head associated with the word slave. And because of it I stop and question everything I do. And at times talk myself out of things I want and desire - be it vanilla things, sexual things, SM things...just every day things of life. I often talk myself out things because it feels like I would be putting my will on to him. Such as if I want sex -- I won't suggest or ask because I would feel I am putting my will/desires on him. I won't do anything or say thing because if he wants to have sex he will come to me as it is his desires that matter. Yep that is how my brain works.

When I was married, I submitted to my husband, we were kinky, we had a fairly strong D/s dynamic before we put words to it. And when we named it -- it went down hill -- fast. When we were husband and wife with a dynamic that was natural to us, I could ask for things I desired because I was his wife. When I wanted a new rug for the bathroom, I went and got one. I knew that if I was wanting to redecorate the whole bathroom, that is something I would have to ask about. I could dress in lingerie before he got home and not question if it was appropriate thing for his wife to do. I knew the lines of boundaries within our marriage - I knew my place as his wife. But as soon as we put D/s terms to it then we both stumbled and fell. When I dressed sexy for him, he asked why and I questioned if I should as his submissive. And he asked what my motivation was for doing it but before as his wife he didn't question that...he just though my wife is dressed sexy lets have sex - period. We became so serious after putting things in D/s terms and a lot of fun things disappeared from our relationship.

All that said I want to be Master/slave - I don't want to be straight vanilla. I want to be kinky and serve. I just wish I didn't know the words. I wish I didn't have preconceived ideas of what those words mean. So I was thinking wouldn't have been easier if I didn't put terms to this....this who we are and what we do. If I didn't know what Master/slave meant, maybe it would be easier to just be.


  1. I find myself battling with this all the time. I wish the term topping from the bottom had never been invented. I end up analyzing, second guessing, worrying that if I say this or do this I am topping from the bottom, so I don't say it or do it but then I am withholding a piece of myself which is also self defeating. And it usually blows up anyway. Arg. Great post!

    Best to you,


  2. My comment comes from the perspective of one who is new to this journey, so please forgive my ignorance. But I read some of your random thoughts about surrender, and I wondered, do you suppose the confusion stems from the difference that, when you were in your vanilla marriage, your actions etc came from being centered on self, vs. in striving for surrender, you are trying to come from selflessness, for your Master's desire/pleasure alone, with no thought for your own desire? I do ask that respectfully, only seeking to understand, please know that. And then, perhaps your Master asked why you may have talked yourself out of it simply bec/it gave Him pleasure to see you reach for Him for mutual pleasure?
    Or have I totally missed the mark & oversimplified your post?
    BTW, I do enjoy both your posts very much & hope you will have patience with my striving to understand & learn. I have only recently come to recognize and accept the D/s aspect in our own marriage, so your sharing of your experience resonates for me. Thank you so very much for sharing & educating. I am paying attention.

  3. Hi. I'm new here and new to posting notes on blogs so forgive me if I mess this up! I struggle with this issue as well. A lot! I'm in my 1st D/s relationship and I'm constantly trying to decide if I should be 100% passive or talk about my desires or what?!?! My question to you is how did your Master respond to you when you explained to him your anxiety about making decisions and potentially putting your will against him (or topping from the bottom)?

  4. Do you think that simply not having the "words" would change the dynamic enough for you to be able to understand these "boundary" issues? I just really wonder because this is an area where I get caught all the time./on the path of slave: submission, service, surrender -- find the place of being fully His and still able to say, "This is the place where my mind/heart/imaginings were wandering? And how do you reconcile the issues of not "putting your will" on Him vs. not giving Him full access to real information about you?

    I haven't got any answers. I only have many of the very same questions.



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