This was written several months ago but never got it posted. And then when I thought about posting well it seemed to not mean the same thing to me that it did at the time. But I decided this morning to go ahead and post it....because well it did go through my brain at one time. I still do go through hard times of communicating my desires and wants but it has gotten a bit easier because this post sparked conversation with Master back when I initially wrote it.
Some days I think it would be easier if I didn't have a terms and ideas associated with M/s. It would be easier to say I am vanilla -- like I was when I was married.
The other night Master got up to go to the bathroom and I woke up into that hazy place of not quite fully awake but awake enough to know what I wanted. I was horny. I woke up from a sex dream and was wanting to touch Master's cock. I had this strong desire to have of his cock in my hand. So when he got back into bed I reached over and started to touch his cock. And well Master was all for that. After having a very nice playtime, we were about to go to sleep and he said that was a nice surprise and I said he can thank that to me being half asleep and not able to talk myself out of it. The next day he asked me what I meant by that.
As his slave I have ideas and definitions in my head associated with the word slave. And because of it I stop and question everything I do. And at times talk myself out of things I want and desire - be it vanilla things, sexual things, SM things...just every day things of life. I often talk myself out things because it feels like I would be putting my will on to him. Such as if I want sex -- I won't suggest or ask because I would feel I am putting my will/desires on him. I won't do anything or say thing because if he wants to have sex he will come to me as it is his desires that matter. Yep that is how my brain works.
When I was married, I submitted to my husband, we were kinky, we had a fairly strong D/s dynamic before we put words to it. And when we named it -- it went down hill -- fast. When we were husband and wife with a dynamic that was natural to us, I could ask for things I desired because I was his wife. When I wanted a new rug for the bathroom, I went and got one. I knew that if I was wanting to redecorate the whole bathroom, that is something I would have to ask about. I could dress in lingerie before he got home and not question if it was appropriate thing for his wife to do. I knew the lines of boundaries within our marriage - I knew my place as his wife. But as soon as we put D/s terms to it then we both stumbled and fell. When I dressed sexy for him, he asked why and I questioned if I should as his submissive. And he asked what my motivation was for doing it but before as his wife he didn't question that...he just though my wife is dressed sexy lets have sex - period. We became so serious after putting things in D/s terms and a lot of fun things disappeared from our relationship.
All that said I want to be Master/slave - I don't want to be straight vanilla. I want to be kinky and serve. I just wish I didn't know the words. I wish I didn't have preconceived ideas of what those words mean. So I was thinking wouldn't have been easier if I didn't put terms to this....this who we are and what we do. If I didn't know what Master/slave meant, maybe it would be easier to just be.