I had a few questions with the Wouldn't it be easier post. I thought it would be easier to answer them all in a post...sorry it took so long! If I am not making sense or you or anyone has further questions feel free to ask.
When you were in your vanilla marriage, your actions etc came from being centered on self, vs. in striving for surrender, you are trying to come from selflessness, for your Master's desire/pleasure alone, with no thought for your own desire?
With my ex-husband I often put his desires before my own. I wanted to please him and do anything I could to make his life easier. I believe there was submission and surrender with my ex-husband. So not sure on this question because in some ways I can see that submission was just so easy because I didn't hold back because I just did what felt right/natural. I just allowed myself to be who I am. I didn't have all the words and ideas stopping me. Right now technically I hold back from Master because I get tripped on what the words and ideas mean to me. But I also don't believe in holding back because being transparent to Master is a goal. So it is a tug-of-war between all the preconceived ideas.
Perhaps your Master asked why you may have talked yourself out of it simply bec/it gave Him pleasure to see you reach for Him for mutual pleasure?
I am not sure I understand this question. I understand it gave him pleasure for me to reach out and initiate. And so it should be an easy call for me to say okay he liked it so I am here to please him - next time just take that initiative. But I still struggle against the ideas and what the words mean to me - debating with myself. I don't like that I do and am trying to work on it. And sometimes I have an easier time with it all. It just isn't a constant and I would like to work on getting it there.
I'm constantly trying to decide if I should be 100% passive or talk about my desires or what?!?!
I know this wasn't really a question but I thought I would throw my 2cents out there. Ask your dominant. It is something that I wish I would have brought up more often and sooner. I think actually part of my struggle comes from I have been with Master for 5 years and I have come complacent in these feelings so that I didn't even realize I was holding back so much until Master told me it was a nice surprise that I did that.
My question to you is how did your Master respond to you when you explained to him your anxiety about making decisions and potentially putting your will against him (or topping from the bottom)?
He was very understanding of my feelings but he was very surprised by them. Because he couldn't figure out how I could put my will on him. He reminded me he isn't going to do something he doesn't want to....if that morning I had touched and he didn't want to he would have said not now and most likely gave me a reason so that I didn't feel rejection or so it didn't hold me back from doing it again. He also pointed out to me that by not expressing my desires - I am holding back parts of myself. And he owns all of me.
Do you think that simply not having the "words" would change the dynamic enough for you to be able to understand these "boundary" issues?
I would like to think so but I am basing this on my past experience with my ex-husband and I am basing on the interaction between Master and I when I don't think and let the words trip me up. When I don't think, we just are natural with each other and I know that boundary. The only thing that stopping me for saying yes for sure that it is just the words is that Master set in place that strong foundation right from the beginning of our interaction so now sure if that is what makes me know where the boundaries are when I don't think or if it is that i am not thinking of the words and ideas.
And how do you reconcile the issues of not "putting your will" on Him vs. not giving Him full access to real information about you?
I haven't reconciled them. I can understand logically that Master isn't going to do what he doesn't want to and I can understand it is my own preconceived ideas that trip me - not his. I am working on trying to not listen to all those things that flit through my brain and remember that it is holding back if I don't tell him. I am hoping by reminding myself of that often enough that I will reprogram those ideas and words in my head.
From a friend on lj:
in M/s is it okay (or does it depend on the couple) for the slave to initiate sex or play?? like just on the basis of "i love you and i want you and you're desirable to me, let me show you" kind of thing.
I think it does depend on the couple as I do know several couples where the Master doesn't want the slave to initiate anything sexual. Master of course is fine with me initiating anything sexual. I think I show him he desirable to me and I love him in other ways then sex for the most part though.