Struggle

Monday Morning....

I could not get to sleep for a long time again last night. Just laid on the couch. The TV was on and I can't even tell you what was on. I just put on Nick at Nite on I think.

I thought of Todd and then Sir Nick mostly last night. It feels like Todd is invading my head again and messing with me. And I have tried to figure out why he is in my thoughts a lot lately and I have no ideas. It is almost like I miss him but yet at the same time I am mad that he still has this hold on me.

Kam and I were talking the other night and he wanted to know why I would not give him another chance. Yet, he felt if Todd came back into my life I would give Todd another chance. The feelings are so different - Todd and Kam. I love Kam but the love I feel for Todd is different. But Kam was wrong...I would not give Todd another chance.....to hurt me again. I do not regret any relationship I have been in as to me I would have rather loved and had these intense emotions then not have felt them.

Okay, I have Poe playing and wanted to get lyrics of course so I did a search for Poe and found their official site. It is really cool! Follow the bouncing ball! :)

Poe has a journal for what happened on 9-11. Right now I just had a few things happen all at once....signed on aol and the front page and something about handling anger right now because of what happened 9-11. And then open Poe and talks about 9-11.

I have been feeling LOTS of anger the last few days. I feel like I am ready to explode. I hit my hand in the wall the other night because of it and that is very unlike me. I do not like feeling anger. And I feel like if I let it out it will never stop. I will just feel the anger forever...and that is it.

I have anger towards people that do not even deserve the anger. It is like right now it is the only feeling I can have so that even things I should not be angry about, I am. I am angry with myself even for feeling anger lol

My main anger right now though is at myself for what happened on Friday. And not sure how to handle it. Or what to do with it. I actually did not even think about that I would have anger over what happened on 9-11. Mostly I guess because I am trying to turn everything off from then. And I have lots of reasons why I do not want to react or have opinions and express them. But stopping that I am sure is causing some stress and anger in me.

It upsets me that people are retaliating against arab-americans. Like the people that drove their car into the mosque here in Cleveland. Why do that? As someone who has a good friend that is Palestinian that people would do something to hurt her. And I actually wonder if what happened on Friday had something to do with that. I hope not.

Just read this about anger...."Anger is almost always a secondary emotion. It almost always sits on top of some deeper, more painful emotion. So, for most of us who are experiencing anger right now, we find it easier to talk about the anger than we do about the deeper emotions of sadness or fear that drive the anger." (Wheaton College psychology professor Mark McMinn)

Okay so I guess the job to do is figure out the other emotions that the anger is masking. Not something I am up to doing today lol

I have been sitting here just lost in the music for about 10 minutes.

I was thinking about something....

What do I want? I know what I want but I just find it interesting that there are some Dominants that feel that they know me but really don't. Or do not get the big picture. We all have bad days and is that the day you would push a hard limit with your submissive? I know I am not making sense. Just thinking out loud.

I know Todd struggled with how he handled things with me.....if he was doing right by me. I know he struggled with if he did right by me....D/s wise. Just relationship wise I do not think he thought of...or if he did it overwhelmed him so he just shoved it aside and did things to push me away because of his feelings. I respected that he struggled with what he did with me as a Dominant. That if it was good for me.

I was talking to Sir Nick about 2 weeks ago on the phone. I called him crying and left a message on his machine and he called me back. Now he is caught in his work role (and I understand it and I am proud of the work he is doing)...he though started talking to me like he would, I believe one of his colleagues. And I said, "yes Sir." over and over to each thing he said and then...I heard the mental light bulb click on because he changed how he was approaching things. He was doing the suck it up and deal. And then it was like he realized damn I am talking to danae. And then he changed how he approached it. It actually made me feel very good that he knew the approach he was doing I would accept from him but that it would not reach me as well as something else.

uggghh...I just got messaged. Saturday night I met someone. And what *I* needed...did not happen. I needed a friend. Anyway, I know he is upset with me. But why do people not get it. I mean I called him crying. I got there and my wrist was swollen and bruises just starting. It is pointless but see it goes back to with like Sir Nick on the phone...he started his approach one way and then realized this will not work with her stop and go this way. And it worked.

I just felt intense anger when done with the im. This is just not a good thing to be feeling this way. I feel sick to my stomach basically.

The anger is not a good thing. I wish I knew what to do with it and how to break it up.

peace,
danae