Pointless

I got an email from Sir Rob basically telling me he did not want to chat with me any longer because he felt it was "pointless." I took the letter more personally then I should have....I got hurt by it and reacted. He, because of our past, affects me at times in ways that I do not like to think about, because of how I feel about Sir Nick.

Anyway one thing he said in his email that hit a nerve with me: "You have so much and feel as if you have nothing."

It touches on something that I have been thinking about for a while.

So the other night I did something I have been wanting to do for week, but it took me this long to do. Also timing just has not seemed right. Mistress DM knows me probably better then anyone. She also will tell me how things are if I ask her and sometimes when I don't ask her :) She does not walk around subjects with me.

We had a conversation shortly after Todd had broke up with me. And in it she said that I do not ask for help. She asked me where I learned that it was not okay to ask for help. Good question. Anyway, Thursday night, she was online and so I messaged her and asked her....."How do I learn not to not want attention?"

Her first reaction...I understood but was hurt by at first. Because it had taken a lot of nerve to reach out and ask that question because it was me asking for help. And then I said to myself maybe she does not understand that. Her first reaction was that she has told me that answer more then once and said that I did not want to hear it now.

But she got it...that I was reaching out (even if it was during the season premiere of a TV show she had been waiting to see all summer). And she focused on me. :) I really appreciated it.

She had me define attention. I said someone paying attention to me. Talking to me. Focusing on me. I said for a month straight Sir Nick and I talked every night for hours on end and that was attention to me. I felt it was more then just me getting attention....but we have went from that to me talking to him every 2 days for about an hour.

Earlier in the conversation she asked me if that is why I feared being alone. But at the moment when I look reread the conversation I cannot find where that fits in to what we were talking about before that.

Anyway, I had told that I was not feeling alone really. I just wanted closeness with someone. That I wanted to feel that connection with Nick. I have had some attention from Nick. Yes, I would like more but this is how it is right now. And as I keep reminding myself and he does too - this will not be forever. I wanted to feel close to Nick and connected. And I really do not "want" that from anyone else, but him.

She told me that attention, close, connection are all the same thing just different levels, which I never looked at it that way.

I then asked her if Intimacy and Attention are the same thing....because what I really wish to have with Nick right now is intimacy. Which is hard to say because intimacy scares me.

The next words that Mistress DM said I did not like hearing.....

Mistress DM: how many in a row is that danae? in less than one calendar year?
DanaeWhispering: how many in a year what Ma`am?
Mistress DM: people that you wanted intimacy with that scared you to admit
Mistress DM: we're interchangeable....in fact, you have others waiting in the wings so that when one of us gets too close and you have to back off or we prove incompatible, you already have someone else there
Mistress DM: I'm not trying to be mean or sound bitter. I'm just pointing out a pattern to you
DanaeWhispering: yes Ma`am
Mistress DM: your pattern is that you can't be alone. you have to feel wanted.....you crave intimacy, but it scared you because of past relationships...so you keep seeking the reassurance and the intimacy, but you don't take the time to test the compatibility before jumping to the intimacy...and then you get burned or you get too scared....but that's okay, because if things blow up or fizz out with Nick you have what, three other doms you've mentioned in your blogger in the last two weeks? not to mention Kam who keeps wanting another chance and me who stays in your life
DanaeWhispering: yes Ma`am
Mistress DM: there's always the chance you'll find the right one...that he will drag you out of your pattern

It is true.

Parts I wanted to dispute or explain, but when I get down to it..even if there is reasons or things that I could explain more…the truth is this is how I am.

If it gets too scary....walk away/push away the one that I am with and....then I just turn around to next that usually is not far behind me because I feel it coming close so i bring someone else close to me. I hate that I do that. And it is not that I am really even aware at times I am doing it. And also I care about ALL the people in my life. I am not bringing them close to me just because.... I do not want to be alone or just want attention. I bring them close because there are things about them that I like.

I was thinking about attention that I got as child. My parents were always busy and did not give me a lot of attention. I would try to be a good girl and just fade in the background to make their life easier. I did things as a child though to get attention from others that make me cringe even when I think of them now. I often wonder if I did those things when I was 4 and that is why some of what happened happened.

Attention is kind of an acceptance to me. But intimacy is love and love scares me. Is that it? Attention is of course flattering. The local Dominant that told me he wished to possess me told me I was beautiful and said things I have not heard in a long time. That is not true. I hear it quite a bit but do not believe it ever. I at that time could not accept it but when I thought of his words later it made me feel good that he felt those things.

I want to know why this all started why I am like this why I have this ugly piece in me that does what it does....why am is it like that?

Atention attention where is it? why does it need me? flashing lights....fog....lost dreams....lonley hearts. starving craving loving missing you lots images fading to the back ground. tormoil todd...Nick normal life....love.... surrender..... truth honor life worth living. shouting... screaming.... hoping...it will stop. on knees for you.....fingers reaching out.....Soul touching your soul step back scared of touch scared you too will see what is inside really. scared you will not accept me and i will be alone again. stolen moments of peace missing you...tell me how to stop.....

I just wrote the above paragraph closing my eyes and just letting everything go and then typing what I thought.

I have not solved anything....

I feel as though I have wrote all this and it means nothing right now...

*shrugs*

peace,
danae