Closeness....missing him...

Written...10/11

Interesting how things.....are now.....

So much has happened in the last year. It is almost surreal to think of all the changes and thing that have happened.

Tonight, Thursday 10/11...I had 4 different men ask me to dinner. I turned them all down and went with Kam. It is strange. It felt so weird. I could have said yes to any of them and had a nice time and been paid attention to and even maybe had sex lol But I turned them all down.

How come when I am not looking for anyone I get 4 men to ask me out and when I am looking I can't find one lol

Just as I was suppose to go to dinner with Kam, I opened my email box to find an email from Sir Rob. We had a few of them back and forth over the evening. They were not fun. Not sure what is going on there.

What I want....has nothing to do with attention....What I want is an intimate meaningful relationship. I think we all want that, but it is not really attention that I want. Attention is like what booze is to some. It numbs whatever the real problem is...so that it does not hurt so much. Attention is an addiction to some and I actually had been thinking about it for a few days thinking maybe it was for me also. But I do not believe it is an addiction for me. So attention covers up that pain of what I am really wanting and that is love and intimacy...something long term 24/7.

Because if it was really just attention I wanted...I could have that. If I did not want be alone, I have people I can call so that I am not alone. But it would not matter right now if I were with someone, because I would still feel alone. Because the feeling that I am wanting I will not get from just being around people. The thing I need will not just happen with calling someone up and saying lets get together tonight. I want love and intimacy. And that is not something I am going to get over dinner with Di or another friend. (Not that I do not enjoy having dinner with friends and hanging out with friends...I like it a lot.)

I chatted with Sir Nick online the other day for a very short time. I want to spend time talking with him and then I had him there with me and I did not know what to say. It was hard....distant. I told him I missed him and he said something teasing me. And I took it wrong. Not that I took it wrong really but I wished so much in that moment that he had said, "I miss you too and it will be okay." I needed to hear that so much. I feel myself pulling away from him. And I know it is because I having a hard time with this....the lack of contact....quality contact. I have not written him 2 nights in a row. The other day was the first time really I wanted to fight him. I wanted to be sarcastic and it was not because he deserves that or was being mean to me it was because I was hurting and did not know how to handle it and that is the way I have in the past. I did not fight him. I tried to remain very even and just chat with him as I miss him and I do appreciate every moment I get with him online and the phone even when I can't figure out what to say.

Nick knows who I chat with and where I stand with each person. And more importantly where he stands. The last month I had slowly been saying, thank you for chatting with me but I need to focus on Nick and myself...and those are my priorities right now. Some have said to me well if it does not work out with Nick contact me and left me alone. Some have said well we can just be friends and chat still...all the while still trying to "convince" me that they are the better choice for me. Some I care about a lot and hope to still be friends with, but understand if they cannot...Sir Rob is one of those people. SM....well, he basically slowly distanced himself with my life....for several reasons, but we still chat every once in a great while. He is also someone I care about a lot and hope to always have some kind of contact with. But others really they are there for attention...the quick fix I need to cover up the pain in that moment. And I have as I said thrown those life preservers out. Some just keep hanging around lol I am slowly putting them on ignore/block. Keep in mind this above paragraph deals with strictly men in my life who wants to date me or own me. This does not include friends. I want my friends in my life always :) I am not cutting them out.

Starting writing right now 10/12....

Today I signed online for a few moments today and SM was there. I had not seen him online in a while. We chatted. It was a nice conversation. He said some things to me that I needed to hear....it was nice to hear them. He seemed good and I was happy about that:)

Tonight, scared of what will happen....in the world.....with me.

peace,
danae