Dark

Tonight my thoughts are dark.

Pain. LOTS of it. Rape, forced, blood, pain. My mind keeps spinning and seeing images that I have been dreaming of all weekend. I feel like the thing inside me is crawling and ready to claw to get out. I hate when I feel like this....this feeling started last week. And I told Sir Nick last week that I was feeling insecure. And I said that I should track this more to see if it happens only when I am insecure or other times as well.

I had images of walking into a room and a man pushing me against a wall and then something going over my head....my arm being brought up behind my back and pulled hard. It felt like it could break if I moved. The images go on and play out.... hurt, forced, raped, pain, beat, unable to move and alone in the end.....and then found. And people are wanting to call the police and I say no......

I have not done anything all weekend...and I had so much to do. I had boxes to go through. I have a domain for work and so I need to get that finished..with the redesign and then put up on the new domain name. I had emails to go through. I had personal emails and things to do.

I had someone write me the night before my Birthday that I am still in shock over. I have not been able to respond because just opening and seeing it from him...amazes me. Not a bad thing either....it is a good thing.

I have been thinking about Sir Nick and myself lots this weekend and thinking if I am "making" him into what I want or am I seeing him for who he is.....I am not sure at the moment.

Went to brunch today and most of the time I was just sitting starring off....thinking of things I do not want to be thinking of. I do soooo good and go days and even weeks and do not let him in my head and then of course today I did. I think it is because of my dreams last night. I had so many and all so different.

I should be a sleep or in bed right now. Tomorrow I really need to devote to website work. So I need a creative spurt.....lets hope one comes on....lol

So I suppose I should try to get some sleep.....

good night...

peace,
danae