Almost Famous

"When patterns are broken, new worlds emerge." -- Tuli Kupferberg

I did not sleep well last night at all. I have had a migraine all week...different levels to it. Yesterday was probably the worst of it. And I actually slept most of the day. Which maybe is why I could not sleep last night, but I was yawning and felt tired last night.

I dreamed of my house this past week. I have been trying to pretend I didn't. But of course I did. I woke up one morning knowing I had dreamed of the house. And just shoved it from my mind. Then the other night I was vegging on the couch flipping through channels (something I rarely do) and it came back to me. I tried to push it way but I wanted too.

I was alone in the house....walking around it felt very empty...just me. I did not feel sad in the dream. I did not feel alone really either it was just weird...it was empty, like I was looking at the house with different eyes maybe. I would pick up things and just run my fingers over them and they felt different....they looked different... not like they were new though but they changed…were different.

Anyway I dreamed of the house. Not sure how I feel about it yet. I do not feel bad or sad thinking of it. I just am uncomfortable that I dreamed of it and not sure why or what it means.

Last weekend, I went to Barnes and Noble. It is always weird going in there...now. That is where I met Todd for the first time. Anyway, I was walking down the aisles of books today and walked past it and then as I walked past…I felt the word illusion come to mind and remembered Richard Bach's book. I had just past it so I walked back and opened it up. First word I read was Master and has like these number sequences talking about Master - basically almost like an outline of the book and then I went back to first pages of the book and the first words I saw were. "Perhaps it is no coincidence that you're holding this book; perhaps there is something about these adventures that you came here to remember." I bought the book. Richard Bach was one of Todd's favorite authors. Fitting…that Todd’s favorite author has a book named Illusions. And just reading some of the beginning part about the Master. It felt like I heard Todd saying some of the words.

I picked up the Valkyries the other day and read some of it. I want to get another Paulo Coelho book. Just asked Mistress DM which one of his books I should read next. She told me "the alchemist reads fast...and has some basic beliefs about karma and the soul and magic." I then responded with "yes Ma`am, then that is the one I will get next." And she said, "dang. If only you took all my advice and suggestions that easily." That was cute made me laugh out loud.

I have been watching a lot of movies lately. Last weekend I rented A Knight's Tale, Notting Hill, The Story of Us....this weekend rented Family Man, Save the Last Dance, The Mummy Returns, The Bachelor, Chasing Amy. Step Mom was on TNT last night watched that. I watched Gia, Mystic Pizza, Pretty Woman, Dances with Wolves recently too. Go to Internet Movie Database to check any of those titles out. It is a great site that Sir Laz and aydeen told me about :)

I liked A Knight's Tale...Heath Ledger was hot and also Rufus Sewell...yummy....but women...all of them in that movie I drooled over just as much ~ Shannyn Sossamon, Bérénice Bejo, Laura Fraser. I thought I was going to hate the rock music in it...but I loved it!

There is always movies that I like just because....like Almost Famous. I love that movie. I could watch it over and over. And not that it had a message in it that I related to or experience that I did. I just liked it. A Knight's Tale kind of falls in that same category.

I signed on today and read the news. I started to get annoyed with some things I was reading and almost started to write Sir Nick about them, but then stopped because I decided he did not need to be hearing those things right now. I actually think one day we might have an interesting talk about politics. It will be hard for me though and that might sound strange. It will be hard for me to have with him. Because I know some of his views and I have felt mine alter already...slightly...after listening to some of his. And sooooo it will be hard to stick to what I have always believed in. Now, I am not saying I do not need some new views, I do....as Kam tells me all the time if we had a danae USA...everyone would end up dead. I would have everyone holding hands and singing and dancing and picking flowers in the meadow. And then as Kam says, when the big bad neighbors decide they want something we have they will just come and gun us down and take it...because I would not have anyone that was equip to defend us....because you know I like to see the world is full of love and peace that we really all do want to love each other and not fight. So why would someone want to come in and gun us down? lol

But back to more serious…a quote that Mistress DM has on her website….I have not read this book yet. But feel this quote is good after reading all the news I did today.

Tragedies do happen. We can discover the reason, blame others, imagine how different our lives would be had they not occurred. But none of that is important: they did occur, and so be it. From there onward we must put aside the fear that they awoke in us and begin to rebuild. --Paulo Coehlo, The Fifth Mountain

Mistress DM has a discussion group for all of her friends. And there was a post recently that asked for four adjectives that describe you and why. Well, I did the 4 adjectives. Just did not do the whys...still kind of thinking on them. The 4 adjectives I used were passionate, loving, neurotic, and distant. There were so many other words I could have used. It was hard to just chose 4. Others that I thought of....complex, intense (passionate also goes along with that though for me), lost, scared, masochistic, wimpy, girly, strong, confused, indecisive, control freak, creative, artistic, loyal, shy, emotional, and compassionate. So see it was hard to chose lol

Some BDSM topic floating around my head. Humiliation. I was trying to think of the most humiliating moment a Dominant has done to me. I can't think of it. Weird huh?

Obedience being tested. Is it something that is okay? I guess what I was thinking of is that I often test. I am at times not even aware I am doing it and other times I know I am...anyway I test. And I was reading where a Dominant tested his submissive obedience periodically by putting things out there that she normally is against to test her obedience with. Then it made me think...wonder if dominants test like submissives do. Is it just a relationship thing?

Feeling of being used. That topic came up on a discussion list not to long ago. I was reading the answer of someone I know. It was a good answer. Which I might ask the author if I can post here.

Anyway got me thinking….I crave at pain, I crave intimacy - softness, kissing, I crave to be fucked, I crave to be used, I crave to submit, I crave to please.....

All those things when I do them…. satisfy things in me. Almost all of them are an emotional, mental and physical need but the emotional satisfaction from them probably more important. I cannot experience the emotional though on most of them without the physical. I need to feel the pain....when I crave pain. Feel his hands on me and the look in his eyes….the whole experience. I have had emotional and mental orgasms that have been better then any physical. I have had pain and not any sexual stimulus that created more powerful orgasm – whole spectrum – emotional, mental and physical. I have had pain and not had an orgasm at all but it was better then an orgasm the whole experience.

I was talking to SM today about the guy I played with a little while back. He said he just wants to "get his rocks off". And it is true. He said you need more then that. What he said I needed...still is echoing in me. But back to that conversation...after I played with the sadist....during it the emotions that happened. Could not have happened that way if I would have known the man...more. Like if Nick or SM or even Mistress DM did those things to me...I could not have handled it as well emotionally...is that strange? I mean if I were looking up at Nick as he punched my breasts...my feelings would be different. And not necessarily bad or worse but different.

The post on being used...this person describes if her Master was just bending her over and uses her.....Well wouldn't the feeling - of being used - be MORE if it were someone she did not know as well? Wouldn't it give you the feeling of being used more then someone who cares?

Okay all that being said I still want that person that cares for me in my life....to use me, to give me pain, to hurt me physically, to humiliate me, to allow me to serve and please him.

My headache is starting to come back again...ugghh so going to log off and watch another movie...

peace,
danae