Unresolved

Written 10/1

I am going to list the music listening to each time I blog because....music is important to me. :)

Music: Staind and Poe

I was thinking about poly today and chatting with someone about it.

I love very easily and love more then one person so does that make me poly...even if I were not to be involved in a relationship with more then one? Even though I hope to not live in a poly household again? I like the thought of Sir Nick and I with others. And even like the thought of him with others. But someone living and serving next to me...that thought I cannot wrap my mind around right at this time. I want to be first. Selfish? Yes!

Kam never put me second really. I mean I know that many of his former submissives would say I was first lol But I did not feel it. I mean I gave up lots of things to make them feel that bond with him right away.

I gave them 30 days and nights with him without asking for anything from him. Hardly ever asked him for anything anyway. He called me to him to serve him but then I would leave afterwards. I did things to help enhance their times together...planned special times for them when I knew he was to busy to. I did things to try to help their relationships but now I wish I would not have. More so because I know Kam blames me for things. And maybe my "helping" did get in the way. I am not sure.

I think actually spending time with Sir Laz and aydeen, actually is what showed me that I needed someone that would put me first...like I do with my partner. I enjoyed my time with Sir Laz and aydeen. I do not regret one moment of it. It just taught me a lot about what I need and myself.

I do not wish my dominant to cater to my every whim. But I do want someone that will say "this is best for danae and even though maybe I am not thrilled I want my submissive to be emotionally and mentally well." Lots of Dominants, think that crap...basically I think they feel either you want to serve or you don't....my way or the highway.

My needs are important. And I will not settle for anything less. I am going to give it my all so why shouldn't the Dominant? It is a power exchange. I want to serve and please but I also want more then just that. And I know my Dominant does too:)

Okay back on topic. I do not know if I want poly anymore. And that just seems so strange coming from the poly poster child lol I mean I think it can work. I am bisexual. I love the thought of watching my partner with another. I like the thought 2 women pleasing my partner, but when I think of the daily ins and outs of life I am like...nope do not want go there.

Sir Nick is not here and I am not there and he is still my priority. I have wanted to be involved with others right now...play partners and women but I just do not have the energy to do that...emotional energy. A is the closet I feel I can go, because there is a big boundary with him since he is married.

Babbling Babbling...lol...

Written 10/2

Music: Match Box 20 ~ Mad Season, Practical Magic Soundtrack

Yesterday, I was lying down...I had a migraine. Lots of them again lately. Anyway, I had yahoo on and had it so that it would ding when someone messaged me because I did not want to miss Sir Nick. I had fallen asleep and was dreaming. It was so real...I could feel the softness of his lips and the brush of his goatee against my mouth....He was kissing me...and it felt so real. I woke up startled with the ding because it had been so real it took me a moment to realize it was a dream. It was Todd...kissing me...in my dream.

And I heard the ding and it was Sir Nick messaging me. So I shoved the dream aside and put my focus on Sir. Where I want it to be :) Right now when Sir Nick and I talk it is very surface type talks. And lots of that I think is because he is stressed with work and so that is his kind of down/light time with me. And so I try to keep it that way as much as possible but because I have limited time I sometime get into a serious talks. I know he knows me enough to know I am a very emotional and very intense. So he probably expects it somewhat lol But I truly believe that I am here to enhance his life and make it better and less stressful. So I do not bring up all the things I want to talk about because I want him to be less stressed right now. It just gets hard at times. I feel so far from him right now.

Then, with, how my thoughts were of Todd yesterday it made me feel even further away from him....

I reread my archives yesterday - specifically all the entries about Todd. (which were practically everything since May lol)

Anyway it was so weird to read how I talked about him at the beginning and then how it just changed. Di blames herself for Todd and I. She blames herself so much that she did not want to talk to Nick at first. Especially since Nick's middle initial was a T lol And Todd goes by his middle name so it is T. I try to remind her that Todd was the jerk. He was the one that did not know what he wanted. He was the one that lied and played games and hurt me. She has told me he really missed out with me. I love unconditionally and I did with him. He hurt me over and over again and I would get back up and try to show him that I loved him so that he would stop hurting us. But it scared him. I mean I even knew at a certain point he was an illusion and I still wanted to show him that I loved him.

I do not know what is unresolved with him still but I have been thinking about since he first started invading me again......trying to figure it out. I thought maybe rereading the archives would help give me a clue. Is there something else I need to learn? Something else I need to do to get through the grieving process? I wish I knew.

Sir Nick I am still obsessed with....even though Todd is invading my thoughts again....does not mean I am still not on the path I want...to Sir Nick.

The last time I dreamed of my house...Todd was sitting on the porch and I was in the house standing in the kitchen. I had a pain shoot through me and I knew it was him. (Just like in real life - that happened to me). I was trying to get the front door to catch him but it hurt too much. When I got the porch he was already way out in the field next to a tree in the distance. He turned around and smiled at me. The same smile he gave me the night I broke down pleading him to help me at TGIF. The same night I told him I love him. The same night he told Honey he just wanted to be friends with me. Anyway, I looked to him and wanted to run after him but I could not move....

He smiled at me. And turned and kept walking. I stood on the porch a while. I sat in the chair on the porch just rocking. Just staring. I then got up and put my hand on the door to walk in and that is when I woke up.

I have not dreamed of the house since.

That was August 6th I think and then August 9th I met Sir Nick online. And have not had the dream with him in it.

I do not know why....but something came to me shortly after realizing that I had not dreamed about Nick in my house...was that I do not need my safe place anymore. He is it. Maybe.

Todd never made it into the house just the porch...he said he was just a step from where I needed to be. And so if he was outside the house and got me to be there....outside....maybe...he was just the step.

I just remember I turned back...in the dream....I had my hand on the door and I left it there but turned to look behind. And that is when I woke up.

I have not been sleeping well since coming to the realization that was the last time I dreamed of the house....just realized that. Now I am wondering if I am scared to go to sleep because if I dream of the house and Sir Nick is in it then it might mean he is not the one? Or that if I dream of just being in the house without him that he is not the one? Or who knows.

Mistress DM, I think, said that she wondered if I had not dreamed of the house because it needs time to heal from Todd being in it. I am that house so the house is grieving and healing from him? That makes sense too.

I want to be f**ked. It seems like it would be a good escape right now. To relax me too. lol I was craving pain yesterday, but today it is less. My anger seems less today too.

Someone wrote me a while back...someone I care about...and said, "If you were mine, I'd protect you. You would have no worries." You know I have had that said to me before but that time it felt different. And right now it is what I want. To be protected.

peace,
danae