Attention

Written 10/8 (could not get to blogger to update until now)

Music: Michelle Branch ~ The Spirit Room

Mistress DM ims me after I posted my blogger yesterday.....saying it is a cry for help. I guess I know it is a downer lol

She is always there for me even when I have been a big pain. I am sure she has wanted to scream some sense into me more then once. She wrote in her journal that she is sure I wonder why she puts up with me. Oh yes I have thought that MANY times!

Anyway....back to her and my conversation last night....I said in my blogger that it felt like nothing after I wrote all that...but yet i picked my mood as scared. If it was nothing why was I scared?

She believes my need for attention is my fear of being alone. Which I believe also.

The last paragraph she felt was a lot of Morgan in it. And reading it I can see where she sees that but what I see is more Nick in it.

We talked about various things and then.....

It came to this...

Mistress DM: you want another, harsher, reason for your need for attention?
DanaeWhispering: Sure Ma`am
Mistress DM: it distracts you from facing yourself. keeps you busy. if you can get enough people to say how wonderful and enticing you are, you won't have to face the fears and do something about them
DanaeWhispering: yes Ma`am

I have known that for a long time. I guess to me there has been lots of other BIGGER things that I needed to deal with before dealing with this. And now is the time. Nothing before it's time.....basically is my belief.

I am happy. I mean that must sound so strange reading this journal and hearing from this girl that writes these things that she is happy. I am happy. I am still missing things in my life but I am happy.

I write Nick every night telling him feelings and thoughts...daily life happenings. I told him because of the situation we are in right now....he is probably getting to know me for me a lot sooner then he would if we had kept going as we were. This way I just ramble and let out so much in my emails to him. I share fears and things I have deep inside me...passions and joys too.

A few weeks ago I felt that I was crossing the line talking with other dominants. And so he and I had a talk about. He was very understanding and very good at directing me. It has taken me sometime, but I have made lots of changes in just a few weeks that were hard to do. I got rid of a lot of my life preservers.

In one email I told him that he makes me want to be a better person. At times I think he nudges me in right directions by asking me "innocent" questions that make me think. And other times I get lectures from him lol I told him that I do not believe he is here to help make me change or make me happy. But he does open the shades I have on the window of my condo on de nile and allow me to see things I have been missing. And whether it is him pulling at the shade or showing me the shade is there...either way...I am seeing things so differently then I have ever.

Todd wanted to fix me....fix the defect so that I would stop being submissive. I think he felt I used my submission as crutch. Or that I was submissive because of things that happened to me. He then realized nope this is who she is and then really did not know what to do with me lol

Nick knows and appreciates that I am submissive and wants to help me but does not want wish to "change" me.

Nick is not here. And that has been hard for me. When my needs were not getting met with Kam, I would stay up online talking to Dominants because I liked the attention. I even got very close with one Dominant and his submissive. It scares me that how caught up I got in the web. Anyway attention is like a quick fix for me. It is like an alcoholic with booze. It numbs the pain for a while. Attention numbs me so I do not feel the loneliness...the alone feeling.

So the last month actually I have started doing things so that....change that....I mean I am feeling the alone feeling but I am not "always" acting on it. I am still at times. I did not even realize I was working towards this until last week.

I still revert to some old behaviors and I do not like that. Yesterday, I did.....Self-destructive behavior ya know lol I knew afterwards - right away - what I had just done. And it pissed me off. And today when the same opportunity came up I said no.

It is so weird I throw out life preservers and I turn around to keep going forward and 3 more are there wanting to be one and it just gets hard to keep saying no and throwing them out. I can swim on my own. I can do this.

I know I am not doing it exactly the way Mistress DM thinks I should be, but I cannot let something that I feel is good pass me by. I can do both.

I feel there is so much more that I want to type. There is all these thoughts going through my mind right now but I am also thinking about Di LOTS. My thoughts will be with her all day on Tuesday.

Well, I better get to bed....

I had lots of sleep all weekend and then Sunday night I had 4 hours sleep and last night I had 5 hours sleep. So going back to not much sleep...and probably crash on the weekend again.

peace,
danae