JJ

Music: none tonight - just silence

I had dinner with JJ tonight. She looked good as usual lol I am glad we got together and hope that we continue to for a long time. :)

JJ said that I do not talk much about her in my journal. She is right....I guess I don't but it is not that she has not been important. One reason is....that my relationship with her for *ME* is very blurry...what i would want from it, where i want it to go...just how i feel really about her is blurry so hard to write about.

Women...my relationship with women...I fall harder. And I know from how I talk about Nick and Todd and other men that have been in my life it is probably hard to see that but it is true. I fall faster and harder with women. I let walls down with women that I do not with men. There is an intimacy level there with women before the relationship even starts that is very scary for me.

Mistress DM and I have had conversations about that before.

Morgan...was it. She loved me unconditionally....loved me and saw me as who i really was....saw beyond the wall...(the great wall as JJ would say) I tried to hide behind. She looked at me and her eyes would try to coax me to come and just be. She told me it was okay. But I let my fears and insecurities and what society said was okay take over on that one.

I still let fears and insecurities come into play. Not what society thinks anymore.

JJ analyzed me which she does for her hobby and is pretty good at it too. Lots of things she said Mistress DM has said to me in the past.

Something I had been stressing about with Todd was lifted from my shoulders and that is a good thing. It really was in that instant like a weight disappeared. But I know nothing like that is ever that easy. It was probably just a short term fix.

I am not a good person. The other night Di and I were having a conversation about my marriage. The things I did in it to make things play out the way I wanted. I was very manipulative. I was very passive aggressive. And then I saw those things and realized I did not want those things in my life and changed. It was hard and I can and have slipped into those behaviors easily. I do not want to ever go back to them though. But just talking about the things I did with Jim (and justified at that time - because it was bad with him) were not kind things. And I love him. So I have hurt those I love too. I know that. But back on topic. I am not a good person. I have lots of walls up, I live in denial lots, I deal with some issues by pretending they are not there or fixing them half and and convincing myself they are fixed all the way, I want my life to be a certain way but do not always do the work to get there. I am selfish in a bitchy way not a healthy positive way.

That is who I am...is there more to me.....well of course or I would not have anyone that would want to be around me lol

And I think all those things JJ basically said to me tonight. She is one of those that can say those things to me and not be walked out on or called a b***h :)

peace,
danae