ideal man

Last night after I posted my blogger...I chatted with Mistress DM. She helped calm me down. I know she was just being who she is...she listened and gave the appropriate comments and suggestions. And that is what I needed. So I calmed down some before going to bed. The anger had been sooooo up there when I wrote my blogger and then after she figured out something for me that had been bothering me. I got pissed when I realized the result of what she found out for me. And I slammed the same fist into the desk...Smart NOT LOL

Anyway we chatted some more after that and she calmed me down. I need to start saving all the convo's I have with her again. I did there for a while, save them all, and then I get out of the habit of it.

I still have all of Todd's and mine. And all of our emails. I have not looked at them since the week he left. I have most of Kam and mine also actually...mostly from before I moved here. I have all of Sir Nick's and read them OFTEN! lol

Anyway, I calmed down but I still could not sleep when I went to bed at 4am. I thought of Sir Nick mostly.

Last night had something happen that just kind of threw my whole evening out of whack. I should have just stayed home and went to bed lol But I didn't and because I did not....not sure..the words...but it might have been different...the ending results of the meeting I had last night.

I should go clean my bedroom it looks like a tornado hit it. I have clothes all over the room. And I want to rearrange it.

Lots of thing still going through my mind.....

How to get it all out is the question.

I am still feeling anger...but not as much as I was last night. Strange thing is right now I crave to submit. Probably because I want to give up control which means I am not in charge and if those angry feelings come out it is not because I could not control them it is because He wanted them too. So I do not have to take responsibility for them. So I crave to submit and not just submit but submit without fighting. Just feel safe and secure.

I have had feelings like that in the past I just never verbalized them. I feel I verbalize a lot more of why I think what I do then I did in the past.

Just got done having an im convo with Lisa. Her and I are alike in many ways. Her and her husband have a very neat relationship. I am envious of it. :) Lisa is great and I am glad that I am getting to know her better.

I am missing Di this weekend. She is out of town. She comes home today! Yippeee!

Jackie wrote me a letter this week. I have not responded to it yet. Not sure I am going to be able too. I did write right away after reading it and got some anger out after reading it. But then deleted that...because that would not have helped matters. And it was just for me to deal with some anger.

Yesterday someone told me that I have this image of an ideal man that is not really possible. I said you are right. I think that surprised him that I admitted it. It was shortly after Todd was in my life that I looked at that image of what I was seeking and modified it....to be based on reality. Not that Todd was reality but what he represented can be reality. At least some of it can be. I still I think have some things that might not be possible but.....like I wrote several weeks ago in my blogger...the good with Sir Nick...make me feel very complete right now (in person I hope it is just as good) and Sir Nick and I have many things that are different wants and needs but we mesh on other levels and those are the levels that matter in the end. And that is what I have realized. I wrote several weeks ago that even if I never got to do some of my desires with Nick that it would not a tragedy...it would be a good life even without all my day dreams and fantasies realized.

So on that note....I am logging off...

peace,
danae