Poly Poster Child fallen

Today was incredibly busy for me....

I left the house at 7am got back at 9am took a shower and then was online for a while. Did some work. And then left and did work up until 9pm when I got home. I answered a few emails for work and then I changed and dropped my body on the couch to rest. I watched the tribute on TV tonight.

Tomorrow there is work for sure.

I actually think Sunday will be the first Sunday since I have been back from Germany that I have not done any work. I am going to probably reorganize my closest. Kam and I might have a friend moving in and so I need to get the things out of that closet.

Moni and Michael - 2 very good friends of mine announced their wedding date. I am very happy for both of them! I wish them all the best they deserve it!

I asked Sir Rob a question today that I am not sure why I asked. He answered but I am sure it put him on the spot. I asked him if it had been hard to leave me last year.

*shrugs*

Something I was thinking about the other day is something Todd asked me one of the first times we talked on the phone. He asked me when the last time I had been made love to. I could not remember I said at least 7 years ago.

Many of the men I have been with in my life have wanted to be with the slut, bitch, cunt, and whatever other word they wanted to use....but hardly any where with me the woman. Hardly any of them have ever used my real name during sexual contact. I just realized that and found that interesting. It made me sad thinking about it to....hurt.

Funny thing is Todd is the one that mentioned that but every time I was with Todd I felt like he was a million miles away. Except once.....

Oh back to my thought....

Which lead me to.....I had someone who was having sex with me and calling me names once - slut, whore, cunt and so on and then in the middle called me by my given name. I said no. And rolled over. To have him call me by my name just scared me. It was like i separated everything and I was slut in the moment not danae. And yes slut is just an aspect of danae but i guess something i have not really admitted to myself.

Friday I was thinking of SM a lot. I do actually more then I say. He said something to me not too long ago in an email and that is what kept playing in my head today and I am not sure why. I wish I knew. I have written him a few times today but did not get an answer. I know he is busy but I just wish I would get some kind of note from him. I would love to hear his voice and hear him...hear that is he is okay.

Also missed Sir Nick today a lot! I almost called to just talk to his answering machine a few times today lol

While I left to go out today I left my yahoo messenger on and of course forgot to put away. And so I had all these messages when I got back. One from Sir Nick. One from aydeen too! :)

She had written me an email a while back and I missed her email in my box. So I need to get to that tomorrow. It was a serious email...and I did not mean to overlook it :(

Moni just messaged me. Thanked me for listening to her the other day. Listening. It was easy to listen and be there for her. I understood so much of what she was feeling. I even understood things from otherviews but it did not diminish the fact of what she felt and went through and I know she cared about others views and what they want through as well as what she did.

I have been looking at a calendar lately. Trying to figure out when Sir and I can get together to meet face to face. But I know that it will be hard to plan that maybe for a while, because of his work.

I have not been thinking lots about what has went on with our Nation. I think about it and feel bad and sad for those that have lost people. Feel bad for the City of New York to have their world turned upside down.....but I am trying not to think about what will happen in retaliation. I know it will happen. And I have reasons why I am trying not to think of it....not because I do not want to feel or have opinions just other reasons. Mostly to do with Sir Nick...long story but not a bad thing at least to him and myself.

Tonight someone was telling em they were upset that now people are banning together and having patriotism right now but that it will not last and that they will help and give for a while but then stop. Just like people who give at Christmas or help at Christmas when there is a need for help all year long. I told him I felt I guess that I was glad at least that they gave even if that was the only time in their life they did that at least that did at some point.

Something I have been thinking about again is Poly. I have been a poly poster child in the past. LOL I believe it can work still. I just am not sure I want to even go there again. Poly is so f***ing hard. I want to be first. And so much in a poly household where everyone lives together I put myself second. And that gets hard and draining. I want to be put first...now.

Sir Rob and I were talking today about this kind of. He does not want poly. He just feels his slave will be enough for him. I ended up telling him one of my favorite fantasies....anyone who is very close to me knows it is the one being tied in the chair...and....well there is more but nothing i will put here lol....

WOW just thought I have not told Sir Nick that one. And actually internally I feel why. Something I can discuss with him at some point. :)

Anyway...playing with others. Seeing others occasionally is poly to me but not poly as in the poly I have experienced long term. That I have no problems with. But having someone live with us right now I do not want to have to deal with. Poly Poster Child fallen lol

But then as I write that I get a tugging feeling of controlling things and keeping things from my Master and I do not like that feeling at all. Soooo who knows. What I believe is Nick would not do anything to harm me.

I should get to bed....

Good Night....

peace,
danae