Master?

I first started thinking about a while ago.

When I was with Dale and Kam - my first thoughts of them were Master. They never were Dale or Kam. They were Sir, Master and then Kam was Daddy (Daddy role much different then Sir or Master though.) They were just those persons in my life - just Master. Kam has grown to be my friend. But with Sir Nick it is different. He has been a person a dominant a friend someone I want to be my lover and my Master in ways even though he is not at this time.

Anyway it was bothering me that when I daydream, think or feel things about him it is often as Nick. I think of him as Master many times too. But I call him Nick very easily. And that bothered me. I kept wondering why I did that. Part of me felt I was almost being disrespectful to him by thinking about him as "Nick." Because with the other Dominants in my life they have been Master right from the start and nothing else. And I feel something more complete with Sir Nick. And the word Master means a lot to me. So it felt like I was disrespecting him when I compare that I called others Master always and I don't him.

So anyway I discussed it with Di this morning and then decided to write the person that I kept coming back to when I was thinking of this issue. I wrote slave girl.

I am looking for more then just a Dominant or play partner and more then. I am looking for Him. The one to be a part of my life for a long time. The one who is my friend, my lover, my life partner, the one to share joys and sorrows with, and my Master. And part of me feels that I have been thinking about Sir Nick as Nick a lot because I feel that connection with him. That connection that says he is different then the others. He is touching places in me on a deeper level. Like with Todd he would see things and it would scare him. And he did not know what to do with it. And then with others in my life in the past they would think that they saw it all instead of looking a little closer and seeing there was so much more there that I had just given them a glimpse inside the box. So they just went okay I understand but since they were missing so much they really did not understand. Sir Nick is not missing things. He asks me questions that basically hand him the key and say okay we do not need to lock this box anymore since you got all the way in and took a look around lol

I just checked my mail and slave girl wrote me back and basically she said things similar to what I have said above. :) It was good to hear it from an outside view though....thank you!

I talked above about something that does not go with this but it made me think of him..because of a word I used. There was someone I wanted to be involved with last year this time.

I think back at that time in my life and do not know how I did not see that.....in a way I was almost like a battered wife in my mentality and emotional state. I did not see it then. NOTE: I am not saying I was a battered wife...I am saying that was my emotional state.

So the person and I were at a party together, I had set up some limits before hand and things did not quite happen as we had set up. We all make mistakes and I see mine in what happened. And he apologized right away. So, why did I not hear it? I did actually. It was just others who care(d) about me that did not. And that is where all hell broke loose. And now I blame myself because if I had been as strong as I am today. He and I would have handled it and no one would have known anything about it....because it was between him and *I* and that was it…even though I know others in my life would disagree. But at that time....my relationships were so mixed up.

I mean I look back at what happened and one thing I am not quite sure why he did, but the rest if I was in his situation and had this submissive girl before me who was trembling with need and want.....I would have done exactly what he did. And knowing the things he told me about himself….he was the type of person like myself that just goes with feelings - that moment. And the feelings in that moment were pretty intense.

I guess I thought of this because it was about this time last year it happened. I am not sure anything will be the same. I mean I was invited to his home this summer for a party and he was very nice. I am lucky...maybe he has forgiven me...for what he had to endure. I am sorry......

I am listening to Poe right now. It is a really good cd. I have been on a music kick this summer. I have bought Dave Matthews, Melissa Etheridge, Staind, Michelle Branch, Poe, Lorna McKinnet, Coldplay, Janet Jackson, and I think a few more but they are coming to me. So far all the music I have bought this summer is great. I like each for different reasons. There are a few songs on Poe I want to post here and a couple from Michelle Branch. I want Di to hear the Michelle Branch one also. I think she will relate to a few of the songs like I did.

At the beginning of the summer I thought of Hunter by Dido when thinking of Di. It has changed now but I am not quite sure what it is now.

Well, I better go and get some cold medicine and OJ. I dreamed of Orange Juice last night. And when I do that I know that I am getting a cold lol Strange I know lol Going to see if Di wants to do something.