dream of calling Master

Well today has been okay.

Did some work and chatted with a few people. Thought about Di lots...feel I should be doing more for her.

I only got to talk to Sir Nick for about 20 mins and it getting harder each day to have it like this and yet I feel the deep need to wait for him.

Tonight I am in that mood where I want to fight. I want to say no and see the dominance or feel it. I do not like that I feel this way. I just want it to be.

A messaged me tonight. I had not talked to him in a long time. And he always asks questions that always seem very subtle but they are used to get in my head. Tonight I did not want that. I wanted that wall up and so when he started I just said no. And fought him. We ended talking on the phone. He told me I wanted to be conquered. I wanted to say oh you read my journal but I figured I had been enough of a smart ass to him on the phone as it was. It was a conversation full of no's exactly what I did not want. I told him before he called, I did not want him to call if I had to keep saying no to him in the conversation. I got to my limit and he obviously had his limit and said the conversation is going to have to end. I said yes. He said you sound near tears. I could not admit anything.

A is safe for me. He is married so I could play with him and such and not worry about where my boundaries are....as I know exactly where they would be with him.

He told me a story for a scorpion and frog tonight. I had heard the story before but not realized it until he had already started. It is a story of a scorpion that wanted to get the other side of the river and he asks a frog and the frog says you will sting me and kill me. The scorpion says if I do that I will not get to the other side. That makes sense to the frog so he has the scorpion climb up on his back and they start across the river as they are going across the scorpion stings the frog. The frog looks up at him in horror and ask why did you do that now we will both die. The scorpion says it is my nature.

A tells me this story and says what did you learn from this story. “That is my nature to be submissive.” He wanted to know why I was fighting. And pointed out that I still submitted in a way. I do not know why....I am fighting……

I do not think I want to be conquered. I am not sure with Nick it is never that way. I just submit. I do not think it will always be that easy. I wish....*sighs*

I guess I am fighting because it is getting hard to do this without Nick. Mistress DM and I had that convo today. I told her I am doing really good at giving up control. I am a BIG control freak lol yes that coming from a submissive's mouth. But okay normally I would be asking Nick when he is going to be at home and and work and when can I chat with him and I have not asked him any of that. I just know work is first right now. He has made it clear when he talks to me it will not be this way always and that I am not forgotten. And makes me feel like I am HIS without even saying it.

It is getting harder each day not to slip into old patterns. I have several Dominants that want to have me...as their's and I always just keep in my mind Nick....but it is hard as I feel the Dominance from the others. I just only let it get so close and then close it off and push them away...but I think of the one that has gave me so much since he came into my life. I mean I remember our first conversation so clearly is scares me. So I keep hanging on and hoping I can be a good girl for one more day.....so that I can be with the one....

The one I dream of calling Master.

Good night...

peace,
danae