Sunday Mistakes?

Sunday....

Well I worked. Kam helped me and then after we went to breakfast. When I got home I had a phone call from a Dominant I have been chatting with that has read my extreme site. He corresponded with me a few times and after that I wrote him saying that he might be fun to play with but that I knew he was not the Master for me. I think that amused him. Yeah, probably didn't come out nicely. 

Anyway I have had things come up or been busy every time he has wanted to get together. He wrote me on Friday asking about playing this weekend. So yesterday we did.

I had not asked Nick. We had talked about it several times, but I did not get his permission. He has not asked me to ask on those things, but I have felt compelled to many times to get his permission.

So I said yes to the Sadist before I had talked with Nick on the phone. I talked to him after saying yes and Nick said something, but in his voice I heard that he was serious and it scared me. I felt fear tremble through me. All he told me was that he wished I would be there when he got home in the afternoon. And though I have dreamed of this many times hearing him say that how he did....just scared me.Because he wasn't pleased with me.

Nick has not been in a relationship in a very long time. I guess part of me has always felt I was going to be a "fling" basically. Someone who came to him and played with him one weekend and then that was it. I want much more in my next relationship. I mean logic tells me he knows that. He has read my websites and blogger and listens to me when I talk so he knows what I want and if he did not want similar things he would have moved on. And he hasn't sooooooo logic should tell me I am not just going to be a fling. But old fears creep up.

So when the Sadist called I had things going on but I said that I might be free a little later so we ended up getting together.

Part of me knows some reason I did play with the Sadist was beause I was scared of Nick and my relationship...but more after hearing him talk to me on the phone yesterday - how good he is too me - I had one of those insecure moments and felt what did I do to deserve such a good man. I felt he is too good for me. Which in his words last night is "bullshit." He does not swear very often so I knew he was serious :)

So anyway I met with the Sadist. He read things off my website, but he did everything he wanted. He was harsh and mean and just what I needed. But he did touch on many things I have on the website. I know he wanted to do more. He held back. Which is just scary all on it's own. I have some bruises that are going to last probably as long as that one from Todd. My body feels the effects of yesterday. Di is ready to smack me. It was not safe. I mean I left Kam the numbers and such and a time I would check in.

After I left I cried,  from what is he did to me, but also realizing that Nick wasn't happy with me. Almost felt I betrayed him. I felt the fears in me that I might lose him and then I realized part of me was "seeing" if I could scare him off.  I did not feel good enough for him so what better way for me to feel it - to be treated like nothing. Because that is what happened. The Sadist was amused that my website talks of long term relationship with compassion.

Anyway I am pretty lucky I mean there were moments I felt he might not stop. Please no lectures. I got them from Di and  Nick :) Not that it was really a lecture from Nick. It just was concern and I was told if I do something like this again he would be on a plane and at my doorstep to punish me. And that thought made me feel good. Not that I want to be punished but that I knew he was serious. He said he might pick up Di on the way in so she could give me a few smacks. She said last night when I called her "come over so I can smack you" and I said I think I have been smacked around quite enough for the night *grin* It was true! 

Kam did not give me any lectures. He knew there was no stopping me that I had already made my mind up. He was not going to be able to influence me...I am sure he felt if he tried to say something that I would go and not set up calls with him and such. So at least I did that and he knew where I was even though as Nick pointed out that I could have been in a ditch somewhere before Kam got there. But I know the Sadist had not played in a while and wanted a plaything so not like he was going to break the thing just when he started playing. I know not the most comforting thought to those that care about me out there.


peace,
danae