Attention Seeking

Friday –
Worked. Talked to Sir Nick a little bit. : ) Then went to dinner with Kam. I came home and signed online and had to do some website work.

Saturday –
Worked but it was a lot of fun. My job is fun overall always. But does have its stresses like any other job.

Then came home and cleaned woo yeah woo NOT lol My house is such a mess. Well, now only the bedrooms are a mess. And the kitchen floor needs washed bad lol

Then Saturday night I got together we a few submissive friends for what we term “GNO” – Girl’s night out. It was a very nice time. GNO’s always have some intense moments…because we can open up and share there like you can’t with others. We are close and some of us have known each other a while and been through good and bad together.

Letting Go…..

Last night a friend there (just wrote to ask if I could us a name or nickname for her as there are other things I want to write about her so her name will be used again.) played a song by Melissa Etheridge called “the letting go.” Of course here come the lyrics…

Melissa Etheridge Information Network

The Letting Go (M. Etheridge)

I came here to let you know
The letting go
Has taken place
I have held the winter's son
Become one
Set my pace
Isn't that what we wanted all along
Freedom like a stone
Maybe we were wrong
But I can say goodbye
Now that the passion's died
Still it comes so slow
The letting go
Piece by piece I take apart
This complicated heart
And I hope to find
Something I can prove is real
I can feel is truth
I can say is mine
That's all I ever wanted to be
The closer that I got
The further I could see
But when lovers change
And the night feels strange
We choose our road
The letting go
I came here to let you know
The letting go
Has taken place

It is a very good song and talks of letting go…..Melissa Etheridge always knows how to express things I feel. So many lines speak of how I feel and what I believe and think. As I have said words are powerful. Music is passionate – the words the music – no matter what the song is about there is passion to me because of what went into those words and music. Just like art…passion.

Letting go….

I think all of us related to that song last night in one way or other. There has been loss in more ways then one in that group of women. We all have the letting go stage happening or just happened in our lives. I was with a great bunch of women last night. Those they have in their lives to love them and be close to them are very very lucky!

Yesterday while driving to the GNO (it was like an hour away from me.) I was doing lots of thinking. Missing Nick lots. Thinking of all the attention I require.

Which made me think about how I have been “getting” that attention right now – since Sir Nick has not been around a lot.

Last July – August 2000 I had hmmm 5 Dominants I talked to on a regular basis. One was the guy that would have made me disappear from the planet by keeping me locked away. Other one at that time only really seemed to want online, but now wants me just jump on a plane and fly out to Washington…..hmm I have talked about him before but never named him. I really do not know what to call him lol …just Sir M I guess. One is local that just wants to beat me. Then Sir David who I have talked about here before. And then someone I have mentioned, I think briefly, that I was talking to again…but never named him….Sir Rob.

All those men are now back in my life with the exception of the one that would have made me disappear.

It is weird how things come full circle.

SM is someone else I talk to, occasionally as he is very busy, that I have not talked about “directly” recently. Even though he has been mentioned without using SM. And then Sir Rob…..both of them and then Sir Nick I feel I mesh with the best and be the best choices for a Master for me.

But Sir Nick is my first priority. I care for him a lot and he gets me. And I like who he is as a person.

This week though I have needed attention that Sir Nick could not give me. If I was with Sir at his home it would be different..at least I hope. He would still be working hard but I would be there and doing things to keep my mind off it – doing things to make his life better and easier.

But I am here and so I am online and wanting attention. Sir Rob has given it to me...and I like talking to him and would be even if Sir Nick was online. I just like that he has given me attention. He is a very nice man. I actually wanted and thought I would become his last year and we were talking and getting a long great….compatible on more then one level. He actually was one of the first one that made me see that I needed someone that I was compatible with not just in D/s. Anyway we were chatting and getting a long great. And then one day I sent him an email just rambling on about feelings and thoughts and I never heard back from him again. I saw him online a few times and messaged but he never answered the ims so I wrote him and said not sure if I did something to offend but it seems you do not want contact from me so you won’t hear from me again….if it changes you can contact me.

I got an email from him August 14, 2001. And started chatting with him again. But of course at that point…I was very into Sir Nick.

Anyway since Sir Nick has not been around. I have been talking to Sir Rob a lot. I like all he says to me. I know what he wants from me. He knows how I feel about Sir Nick.

I am not sure why I am like I am.

Not sure where I am going with this all…

I wrote all everything above this line last night well early this morning about 4am lol

I am craving pain. It is that feeling that I just have. That I can’t explain. When I was with Todd I just wanted to hurt and have pain. And he did not understand it. I know he felt it is was an unhealthy feeling. Maybe it is…but I just know I feel on edge when things are like this and after the pain I am calm and centered – focused.

Last night I was telling the girls about the Sadist and Moni said I am trying to figure out if you admire this man.

And I do…I do because…..He did what he said he would do. He said he was this way and he was. There have been SOOOOOOOOOO many people in my lives that say one thing and done another – who are just illusions that I was surprised that he was real. So I admire that fact that he makes no bones about what he wants – who he is and is REALLY that person.

He messaged me this morning told me to meet him. I said no. Part of me did not want too. And the part that cares for Sir Nick and wants to serve and please him..won out and said no. I had told Sir Rob about the Sadist to and he had some interesting things to say why I should not meet him. He also told me I should not meet him.

My head today is swimming with lots of thoughts. I miss Sir Nick. Sir Rob’s email just made me feel…..I do not know the word.

Oh well….

I need to go find some sinus medicine. Too bad I did not get that toy I saw last night I could use it today for my sinus’ lol

Just looked at my horoscope – interesting huh?

You feel hemmed in by impersonal or alien forces. You may want to do something extreme just to be noticed. Be open to principles that you've set aside but never forgotten. A circle is being completed.

peace,
danae