After Thoughts

I have a cold so I am a whiny little girl. Nick and Di are not feeling well right now either. Maybe they are both having sympathy pains for me. Kam gets those with me. I rescheduled my doctor appointments for the week of the 17th because I played and have bruises and was not using my brain to think about what I was doing and that it would not be good to show up with these kind of bruises as I am not completely out yet to my doctor.

I have received a few emails today begging me to send me the link to the extreme site....I know I sholdn't talk about it here if I am not willing to share it. But it is extreme and exposes me.

I feel very content right now. Things seemed balanced...not so chaotic. I do not have the feeling that I need to act now and have everything NOW like I did right after Todd broke up with me. I am sure it is because of playing with the Sadist. My life always feel better when I get a big dose of humiliation, degradation, and brutality.

Kam is upset with the Sadist for things he did to me/with me. I am not. Basically I asked for it having the things I do on my website.

Anyway....I laid out clear careful thoughts on my website of what I "seek" and he used that to freely inflict sadism on me.  As I have said before. I have expressed my desires to Dominants in the past and they did not "get it" or they get to know me and think I am too nice to "hurt." Or they say they want to do the things, but really when we get together they don't want to go that extreme.

I did some of the things listed on my site with Don. Some things with my ex-husband. Some things I have not done. Other things it has been a very long time since I had them done. Also just as a masochist - it has been a while since I had pain. I have not played (not that I have not had the opportunity) since with Sir. Anyway, the Sadist played with me very much on the edge. For not knowing me very well - it was not safe. It gave me things though that I need. He made me feel fear and I crave fear. I hear him...his voice amused when we were at the end he asked me questions. He wanted yes or no answers. If he felt I was lying, I would be punished. At the end he said that he would give me 20 even though he didn't feel I lied. Twenty doesn't sound that bad right? He was so much harder then any other I have played with so he told me that if I moved that he would start over. He added we would keep going until I passed out if necessary. I did the 20. I think that surprised him. He asked I wanted to keep going after the 20 or have him leave. I wanted him to stay and make me pass out. But I said to do the 20 and leave. By this point I knew people that care about me would be worried. If I passed out, then what happens to me when I am passed out?  I was crashing from the abuse and use. The Sadist told me he was amused by me. That annoyed me. But I am assuming he could read my face and see that I struggling with which direction I would go on the 20. I keep starting an email asking him questions, but stop. I want to know why he did this...why me...and had he ever done those things before.

Well, my phone is ringing lots it is Tuesday night.

peace,
danae