Wrong

Written Friday September 28th 2pm

I am wrong.


Today I did something wrong. I mean yes I do things wrong all the time but this one was a big one and it will NEVER happen again. It is work related and why I deviated from what I normally do I am not sure. But it will NEVER happen again.

It seems so surreal.....

Today's events. I am not sure even how to act...feel.

This week has just been a weird week emotionally. I just feel it keeps coming and one thing happens and then the next is following right after it. And so I just keep adding them up on top of each other and never sure if I am dealing with any of them.

My day yesterday started out not great. I had written a long letter to Sir Nick talking about a lot of things that were hard for me to talk about. But it was time to talk about them. So I did that and at the end reread my letter and was worried he would be mad. I mean logically there was not a logical reason but if he reacted from emotion reading it there might have been. But Nick is not that way sooo I am not sure why I worried.

Okay so had that letter hanging out there was not sure when Sir would read it. Then work things happened. And then the local Dominant wanted to meet and I had to cancel because unexpected work things came up. And he was not happy.

Writing now...as of 1:58 Sept 30th.

I am not even sure what happened on Thursday. Friday was busy and hard because of what happened. But we are doing okay.

On Thursday I did up having a great conversation with Sir Nick about the email I had sent him. It is really hard but I confess things with him that I don't with others. I tell him my flaws and weakness'. And anyone that knows me probably has not or hardly ever heard me say anything about them. Yeah I might do a general statement of I am not a good person or I will hurt you but I never get specific. I do with Nick. He asked me to tell him what was going on.....after the email....I said to him that I did not know if I could explain it. He said don't explain....just tell me. He typed those words and I felt it. It was not like it was an order or that he was trying to make me feel his Dominance and power over me. It just was there.

Friday I just got home from after the situation that had happened...I signed on and he signed on. He has not been on at that time since his busy schedule at work started. It was like he knew I needed him. I am just on that edge of going stir crazy without contact and that is exactly when he pops up for me.

Right now I feel he is trying to make me a better a person.....to be all that I can be LOL i sound like the military slogan uggghh lol

But it is true. He does without even trying (that is how it appears to me at least) to push me further at a person. Even as a submissive.

Okay, so Saturday...

Not sure I want to write about it either. It was a hard day and I ended up meeting someone but I was not there at all because of the things that happened before I left.

I can hear in my head...Nick's solution to what went on.

I got so upset and pissed that I slammed my fist/wrist into the wall. My left wrist and hand is swollen and bruised. Not much but enough. :( Not so bright on my part.

Todd Todd Todd UGGGHHHH he has been on my mind all week and it just is not seeming to let up. Like I am almost on a new stage of greiving maybe or something is there..not sure what...but can feel it.

So much right here on the tip wanting to spill out and yet I can't let it. I can't.

If I do...I will have lost.

I should stop writing before I go places I am not up to going right now.

peace,
danae