the decision is yours

Let's see....

Heard from Jim's mom. He is okay. I knew he was though. I just knew it. I knew he was suppose to be in NYC around this time but knew either he was and safe or he had just left and was safe. I just felt it. I was with him for 13 years total (dating and marriage) and feel him at times.

I heard from Sir Nick via email. I miss him VERY much. I am proud of him.

I wrote him back and almost typed I love you at the bottom. Not that I am in love with him...at least not yet....we have not even met real life yet. But because I care so much about him that I love him. Like I love Di I guess. Or some level in between Di and in love. I love very easily. Not that he is just someone else to add to my list of those I love. He is special and I know that. I feel that.

Okay was just looking at an astrology site - looking for horoscope and they had a link to something called Karma Sign. Here is what it said on what the Karma Sign is....

Karma Sign by astrology.com

Saturn is the Planet of Karma. Saturn is a strong disciplinarian and teaches us our lessons this lifetime. At times, this planet can be restricting and inhibiting. Joy is experienced once the lessons of Saturn have been learned. To understand your Karmic lesson, find what Sign Saturn was in at the time of your birth. This will reveal your Karmic Sign.
Remember, your Karma Sign is different from your Sun Sign or Star Sign!

So I entered my birthday here is what it said...wow...

Karma Sign: Libra by astrology.com

Trying to find in others what is lacking in yourself often results in pain and disappointment. Somehow you always seem to end up with a partner who doesn't quite understand you, who limits and hinders you. The partner you choose may also be somewhat older or have a conservative outlook on life. As a result you may move from one bad relationship to the next, or stay in one relationship and take the role of martyr -- never realizing your true motivation. If you come to terms with the fact that you may not want to fully connect with another -- out of your own fear of intimacy -- there is potential for growth and understanding that you have the capacity of fulfillment within yourself. Your relationship can be source of suffering or of personal growth -- the decision is yours.

I think it was a little over a year ago when I realized at Laz and Aydeen's that I fear intimacy. I knew it but I never said it outloud until them. I never got that before then that it was a "real" problem in my life.

I wonder if I ever read stuff like that in the past and did not get it or let myself get it? I mean it seems like I read things like that and I am like wow...that is so true. But I usually read it after I have figured it out on my own.

I want pain really bad...I know doing my usual thing skipping around.

I want pain really bad. The Sadist contacted me on Tuesday night and he asked if we would get together again. Sir will I am sure not let me, but oh how I want what he gave me before.

I was just talking to someone online that made me blush. It made me think of Sir Nick and think of blushing with him...I do a lot. He was funny. He first talked to me and thought okay this girl cannot blush this much in real life as she says she does. But after doing voice chat he can hear it in my voice also when I am blushing and he is like damn you really do blush a lot. lol

I am real. I am told that a lot. You are real. That my website is very clear and thought out and shows I am real. Sir Nick after one evening of talking to me kept saying that that I was real. I am who I say I am. I feel I am...not always that way. Hard to be who I want to be. Illusions - was the word that just popped into my head. And with that word we all know what I think of....Todd. Thought of him several times today.

To Sir Nick….I miss you very much. *kisses*

Good night...

peace,
danae