Overcoming Fear

Wrote Thursday about 1pm

I am still sick with my cold. So still partly a whiny little girl lol

Today I didn't do much of anything.

Lots on my mind, but nothing that is really stressing me.

I am really getting frustrated with the Dominants that "hit" on me. I now tell most of them that I am devoting my time to get to know Nick and they still do not give up. Part of me would like to find someone I could just play with and have fun with in hanging out with. But the other part of me just wants to wait to and be with Nick.

I wrote up what happened on Sunday to me. I sent it to 2 people. Di and Sir Nick. After Di read it she was like "you are NEVER EVER EVER going to get together with that guy again!" Nick was very calm about the whole thing. I had told them that things on my website happened, but I hadn't told them which ones until I wrote it up. Nick had basically took a look at my website and guessed by narrowing it down what could have happened. He was right on most counts as he found out in my write up. He told me I am never to do that again. That meaning meeting with a sadist without meeting them and just playing. He wants me to get to know the person. 

The Sadist created fear in me that I had not felt in a very long time. The things that happened turn me on. The things that happened to me were consensual. It was amazing. Part of me wishes I could do it again. But part of me feels it would not be captured again like it was...because things like that just happen once. They are a violent dream that hangs on my breath when I wake. So it can never been like that first time.

So then my mind spins with will Nick ever make me feel fear because of the type of relationship we have - I worry it won't and I need it. I need the violence. Did the sadist and I walked in to a situation of not really knowing each other and it worked because of that?  Can when you get to know someone like I am with Nick feel that fear?  Nick and I know each other and will know each other on many different levels. I devoted so much time to find this person - who is compassionate, but yet so sadistic that he can put fear in me - and now if Nick and I do not work exactly that way will I be missing anything from my life? Is it really a need. Because damn I hate that I feel I need to be violence that brings fear in my life.  BTW I am not saying Nick cannot put fear in me....I have seen how his mind works!! mmmmm yummy! But can something like this be maintained in a 24/7 relationship?

1:50am Friday

I met JJ tonight. We talked and it was good to talk to her and see her.

On my way home I called Nick and he was online so I left him a message on voice mail saying I was on my way home. He called right as I was walking into my building. We talked until now.

He makes me feel so giddy and alive. I am smiling and it is so strange because our conversation was pretty vanilla (how our days went and he bought a new toy that is one of those things that I do not like - that right there is sooooo strange that I like a man that likes the toys that he does.) He told me that when I go there he is going to get me over my fear of those type of toys. He understands my fear completely! He is understanding and compassionate, but he wants me over the fear for that. Even though I need fear in my life he wants me not to fear this toy.  It is a toy he really likes so I understand he doesn't want me to cry every time I see one.

When I was out and about tonight there were lots of motorcycles on the road. It made me crave to be on one. Di and I had just talked about them the other day too where I said that I never have really liked them. Jim was in an accident on one and he was very lucky he walked away. Also as a child, I saw my uncle get in many accidents with them and so they have always been something kind of scary. Okay why I hear Todd in my head now...ugggh. His thing was if you fear it - do it to get past it. I do not agree with that on ALL things. But some maybe. Nick's toy yes....because that is a fear of my past that I need to take back control on. Motorcycles yes maybe ride them to get past that fear. Going to an amusement park no...not the fear to conquer not that way. Because it would not matter - going would not conquer that fear because it is much broader then that.

Post all about fear - wanting fear and over coming fears. 

Well, I need to get to bed, as I have to be up at 7am. uggghhh

peace,
danae