Strangle my Words

I strangle my words as easily I do my tears I stifle my screams as frequently as I flash my smile It means nothing I am cotton candy on a rainy day the unrealized dream of an idea unborn ~ Nikki Giovanni

Wrote Thursday…decided to keep as is even though the horoscopes are outdate now…

Horoscope for today....Rest is important to you today as your imagination is likely to work overtime. You may identify too deeply with any problems which you hear about. You may not let anyone know about this, but they are important to you today.

That horoscope is from a cool site....it sends me a daily tarot and rune reading along with my horoscope :) It is from www.annikin.com The other horoscope that I post here often is from www.beliefnet.com. Here is that horoscope for today...LIBRA (Sep 23–Oct 22): Something you didn’t complete at home is now back on your list of things to do. It may be that you took charge but never followed through. On the other hand, this may be an emotional issue as a difficult feeling won’t settle down until it gets the attention it deserves.

I get the Daily Buddhist Wisdom from there too. It is something I often put in this journal also.

Well, I have not posted for a few days.....I have been that phase were I don’t want to share. And I had a mini-lecture on Thursday reminding the reasons I started this journal and that the journey I have been on…this place helped me get there.

Sooo that means this is going to be a long entry….

First going to babble about…non-personal things…

I was reading an excerpt from “The Marriage of Heaven and Hell by William Blake the other night…it is called “Proverbs of Hell”

Some good lines in it….

Dip him in the river who loves water.

That to me is about wanting to be submerged into something….about having such passion and need…that you….want to feel it wrap around you like a cozy blanket on a cold winter night. Maybe it is how to explain obsessions…something I know I have….when I love something, I want to be immersed in it….make it my world. I did that with art at one time. It was my focus and life and passion. Now…I have that same passion in looking for my dream….even though…lately I have had some doubts and depression. But it is part of this time of year for me.

Exuberance is beauty.

Another one to me about passion. Passion is so yummy don’t you think?

Excess of sorrow laughs. Excess of joy weeps.

To me this extreme in emotions….something I might know a little about LOL And again goes back to passion for me….having an extreme…passion That deep passion where you absorb yourself into it….brings up all sorts of extreme emotions to me.

Just some good lines I like….or think are interesting….

Eternity is in love with the productions of time.

Prisons are built with stones of law, brothels with bricks of religion.

One thought fills immensity.

The soul of sweet delight can never be defil'd.

So back on topic I guess…

Wednesday I went and had dinner with Moni. And I had the best seafood Alfredo I have ever had….it was spicy Alfredo too so that made it even better. It was just so creamy and spicy and the seafood was so good. Just all so yummy!

We talked quite a bit about various things/relationships in our lives. Back at her place she did a tarot reading….for her and then me. It was called searching/finding. It had 5 cards. And the meaning behind the reading…that I have felt overwhelmed with life. I have lots of things happening and going on. That I am being self-protective and so self-protective that I am becoming resentful and bitter about life…and that is true to an extent. Something that it said that was kind of puzzle but felt right…was it said my fears are my greatest strength. How I took that…when I say it felt right…is that….those fears keep me moving forward. Those fears give me courage in an odd way. Fear is a desire also for me….and so….it keeps me moving forward towards my dream. My cards also said that I am feeling like the dreams it just out of reach and I had been feeling like that. The end goal was security. And that is very true that…is my end goal. Lots of things that add into it….but being secure in the dream is what I want.

Started today….Friday…

Next topic….I don’t like people who play head games. And I have that going on right now. Dreams again…my my how they just get stronger. Just trusting them more too…which is a VERY good thing. I saw it at least and just have decided leave it alone…not going to play…I have much more interesting games going on…fun games…good games. Not stupid *rolls eyes*.

Probably a change coming to the cast list too….well I know there will be….for sure just not sure of what it will be yet….someone added…order rearranged. And maybe a couple people took off the list.

I have not mentioned Nick here in a long time. Nick and I are still….talking. He still wishes to meet me. When that could happen? Not sure and sooooo I have pulled back a lot. I care for him greatly. He is GREAT man. But the waiting was starting to hurt me a lot. He wishes I committed to him like I did before…and part of me wishes that too as he has been really great with teaching me things about myself. And he is fun to talk to…I often smile and laugh when we talk on the phone.

M and I are just friends now….not that I don’t want to be more but we reached a point where I was giving him more trust then he was giving me back. And yeah for me….I have learned from my past and there have been some things with M that were giving me red flags. They are similar red flags that I had with Todd but ignored. So….I have learned my lesson. And actually M is happy that I am not repeating my past but he hates that I am learning it on him and he says he is not lying to me….but….he just has problems trusting. And part of me goes for that….but if he does not trust me then he should not be with me…really. He should be with someone he can trust…easier. So today we said good-bye to the relationship we had. We are going to remain friends though and I am glad about that as he and I have interesting conversations. He is an interesting man. He does not let me hide from myself either.

I am going to miss the interaction that happens between him and I. Even the ones when we would just have coffee or go run errands…and especially the interactions we had when we played. The extreme….brutal way he treated me. The fear was unlike I ever had…and I am not sure that level of fear I will ever have again….because ultimately the path I want to be on….I need to have love and affection as well as fear…and the affection I think changes the fear.

Anyway….it is going to a hard…not see him….as more then friends. But I really need to trust myself on this and be true to myself.

And now…for the thing that is expected but….it is different and yes I have said that before too….

While I was in Detroit I had someone email me…..he actually knows Monseigneur E and Linda real life. (Which just actually kind of blew my mind.) He is on my Ayn’s Place pictures list (link to the side) and has been for over a year. He has read my journal for a while also. Sooo he knows what I am like and still was interested. LOL *smiles*

I am not sure what to say about him…yet. He is really a great man. He is sadistic but has an affectionate side too. He and I seem to be similar in how we think…which helps a lot. We click. He understands what I am saying….it seems. Not constant miscommunications. We discuss lots of different things from D/s to dark side stuff to emotions and everyday life things. So far when I went down the checklist of things I want he has almost everything. I mean it. But of course we have not met real life. When I got to the BDSM check list, the only things he seems to be different on…is bestiality and he will not want to share me…it is not out of the question but it is not something he desires greatly. But…on the other hand…he has been very open minded about the things going on in my life, my job and playing and being with others. They are not needs of course. But they are desires I have….I want to be fucked by a dog. I want to suck on a dog. *blushing* I want to be gang banged again. I want to be lent to other men. I am a slut *grins* I like to experience it all : )

The thing that is going on right now…is of course…I am moving to fast. But it feels like a different kind of fast this time. The process is different though with him then it has been with M or Monseigneur E. There was not really a process with Nick…it just kind of happened….he showed up when I needed him. Not making sense…hope I can figure it out and express it in different words.

I am trying to find things that are wrong with him because….well he is too good. And so I talk to him and wonder why…someone so nice, so great in the things he desires, very interesting….wants to be with me? I am not sure that came out quite right - as it sounds when I read it back I don’t think….much of myself….and well….I do….of course have moments of insecurities of course. Maybe more then a few moments lol And because he does want me…and is not the norm that goes for me….I wonder if he is too good for me and I try to find fault in him because a good guy can’t really like me can he?

Like Moni said the other night if I am looking for it….I will find it…basically I will create it. I am trying to let it go and just be with him but there is this little part of me that wonders what the heck is going on lol

I remember…meeting nice guys when I was young and because they were nice I rejected them. I went after the bad boys. And this person is not a bad boy…he is a nice guy. He is not too nice….He is very firm in what he wants. He does not back down. He wants complete control - to the point of micromanagement. He has a very sadistic dark side that…I like. He also though says, “good girl” and “I am proud of you” - not from a dating relationship (even though I can see him doing that too) standpoint but from a Dominant. Even though he would readily tell me those things as a man and lover. I am not sure I can explain the difference.

Desires….that he and I have talked about…

I have lots of Daddy/little girl and baby fantasies that I have not shared with many people. And I have shared them with him….because I saw that interest in him. And the things we have discussed regarding them….mmmmmmmm We have talked about the pacifiers I have…and baby bottle…and other things that are for a baby. We have talked about little girl things….too. And I just get those warm fuzzies inside.

Other desires….we share…

I have a desire to be locked in a cage no way out and left…the person doing this to me is at work or taking in a movie whatever but left with no way out. Similar thought…being locked in a closet.

I had daydream the other day that I just got permission to share…

I thought of Him taking me doing errands and everywhere we go he has me drink something. He has me drink lots and lots. And I needed to use the rest room then at some point and was not given permission. I would beg and plead and he would say no and keep on walking or doing what he was like I was not even there.

He was setting me up to fail and as we were walking out to his car he said…“are you going to make it home?” I looked down and he shook his head in disgust at me. He said, "Fine I will put some plastic over my seat so you don't ruin them you stupid fuck flesh" He grabbed my head pulled me close and said..."You are worthless" and the look in his eyes...the fear it created in me.

We got in the car and he decided basically I was going to fail and so he decided to take a drive. I would beg..."please please Sir please lets stop so I can use a restroom please please" He pulled into a gas station...he took in a cup you had in the car one of those travel mugs. And he came back and told me to drink...I took a drink and realized it was his piss he had went in there and went pee but....were not allowing me and filling me with more liquids. He had that and then also had another drink in his hand. He said drink both. I looked at him. You called me by my name and said, "I don't want to hear your fucking whining you stupid cunt" *blushing* I drank them both.

I started to cry....and squirm.... He said..."worthless piece of shit going to pee herself" I was crying...and then I could not hold it anymore and let it out...I felt the warmth spread out...on my tights and skirt. I looked away from him and he grabbed my hair and pulled me too look at him. He said..."don't look away..." Using my name in there too…again making me realize it was me…and not able to separate it into a role. He said he wanted to see my humiliation and realization of that I was nothing but what he wanted me to be.... I nodded....he drove more and more making me sit in it....squirm in it as it made me wet and turned on.

We got home and he had me get out and then lick the plastic clean. We went in and he made me kneel down and suck his cock before letting me out of my wet clothes. He then stood me up and pushed me against the wall so my backside was facing you. He laughed and made fun of me for peeing myself. He made me tell him I was a bad girl for peeing on myself. I said it over and over and finally I was on my knees kissing your feet begging to be punished for being a bad girl. He had me take my clothes off and the wetness still kind of there and he took a cane and caned me until I collapsed to my knees crying. He then brought me into his arms and got me up and walked me to the bathroom and put me in a warm bath while he sat there....stroking my hair. Telling me I was a good girl.

Lots of different desires going on there…humiliation, peeing on myself a desire I have had for a very long time, being made to fail, being told I am bad, being punished for something I was set up to fail at….and being loved and taken care of too.

He loved the fantasy and I know he would have no problem…making it a reality. And that scares me and excites me so much.

You noticed I have not mentioned a name yet. I am still mulling it over….he and I discussed it last night and I know his preferences. So just trying to choose between them.

I am going to end this long entry but….

I have another coming about slave vs. sub, begging, and other desires…as I am going to open up and talk about them more here now.

Edit: 6/13/09 so I was searching for something in my blog and came across some blogger anomalies...where it reordered entries. This one is one of them. It put it in 2003 but that wouldn't be possible since I was living with Master in 2003 and this entry is just starting to talk about him. So reading entries I think this is about right but it might be off by a week or so. - Also blogger didn't allow for titles back before 2003 so I am going to be going back and add titles as it makes it easier to scroll through and see where entries start and end.