danae

Well my mind is going in a million directions!

I have been thinking about the process of being enslaved this morning. I have been thinking about Monseigneur E and Linda lots. I had been thinking of them lots anyway but now I have another reason they were brought up front. I have been thinking about girlfriends.

Okay backing up...don't want to get ahead of myself.

I was chatting with someone last night and talking about how I react to the control. How I fight it even though....I know with everything in me that I need it. So why do I fight it? I am not quite sure but I think it has to do with trust. Most of the time the control comes....fast...which I like.....but it comes to a level of....where I am not sure I should trust that person with all of my life because what if they do something to screw it up. Nice huh?

I think it is just reactance to lack of control. Even though I want that...I have been in control a long time and so I have got used to doing things "my" way. And "my" way has worked and is good for me...soooo why should I do it another way? Oh yeah...because I want to please and serve *grin* Well I do....but I am scared of giving someone that trust and then....ending up where I am at....like right now.....where the long term affects of the control are that I get to pick of the pieces of my life and say great now what.

So I do have trouble giving up that control. With M....I struggle with it but really with M the fear that is involved in our relationship....I know not to fight the control. But he also does not have a lot of control of everyday things. He has control when I am with him...but not much more control then that. I am not sure how I would react if he took more control.

Moni and I were talking today about that I really should not give anyone control until I meet them face to face.....I am still....hurting from things done with Monseigneur E. Those things had long term effects and it really bothers me that....it feels like...I was kind of dropped to the side when things got tough. I had lots of anger yesterday. First time I really got that angry. Grieving process I guess.

It has been really hard for me not to email or im him. But I have not....and when I get the urge I tell Katrina or Aydeen and they stop me lol

I also had them brought up front last night because I found out someone that I have been chatting with knows them real life. Small world huh?

Okay last topic girlfriends....

I was thinking about someone this morning who told me they had a crush on me. I was thinking about her because well she is great. She is a good friend...she is very pretty, she is very sensual....and we have a lot in common. Her and I had a talk a while back because....she knew it was not going to go anywhere...and I started thinking about that this morning...

My focus right now is wanting to find my Master. That is the path I have been on...

I want a girlfriend but...because my main focus is this search....I don't feel I can give....into a "real" relationship with a girlfriend. And because of that....I think I would hurt this person and any person I might get involved with. And so I don't look for a girlfriend because I don't want to hurt anyone. I was trying to think about what I am looking for in a girlfriend....I need someone who does not need me...where we are friends and every once in a while have a hot date one night where it is steamy and soft and tender all at once. And then back to friends. I guess that is why it works with my friend in Detroit (who I really need to get a name for here) because I can go and see her and hang out and just be friends have a hot night where she bring the slut out in me and then I can come back here...to Ohio and be on my path again.

Why I thought of this....well I am going to see this person I had been thinking about tonight....and so that is what I am sure spawned my thoughts of a girlfriend and not wanting to hurt her. I know she has this all resolved in her mind but I guess I did not in mine.

Well I suppose I better head home I am at Moni's still. Not spell checking this so sorry for any huge errors :) I know there are always grammar errors. :)