danae

I came back to Bill and Lisa’s last night but am going to be leaving to Moni’s again this afternoon. I should be packing and whatnot but have been sitting here reading emails and trying to wake up. I talked to M last night and we are getting together tomorrow….just to hang out and talk. I like that thought. Last night I found a music group called RedZone….I really like their music. I think it would be great to scene to also.

I feel like maybe I am crashing a little bit from the other day. Not that I am weepy or sad but just….I feel very tired.

And maybe that is because I spent last night trying to figure out WHERE I want my life to go….I know the end goal but what about the next 2 years….even a year. Where do I want my life to be in a year?

I hate those types of questions. Mostly because my life was very planned out for me. And then I got married and basically it was planned out for me too. So I know this is going to be a shocker - I am not a good planner lol

Once I became married…I stopped thinking about what I wanted in 1 year, 5 years, 10 years. I just knew that I would have to follow Jim in whatever he wanted and go wherever he went.

Then I moved here and then it was the same with Kam basically. I went where he did. I did not plan. And planning with Kam was really hard….because life was a roller coaster and so very very chaotic.

Now life is pretty darn calm for me. I have options. I have things I am going to do. But I am stuck in the moment. It feels like almost something is right here….right on this edge….and I am waiting for it. Because if I make plans…this thing…will come and those plans will either interfere or throw my life in to chaos again. I am sure I am not explaining this well.

So I am kind of “waiting.” But I think it will change soon.

I have been thinking of my family lots too lately. I miss my Mom. I am looking forward to going home for Christmas. I need to start looking for plane tickets.

It looks like I am going to Detroit for a week. I am just not sure when….that will be….but I am hoping it is soon.

I wrote about being a slave the other day and I know my words did not come out quite the way I wanted them. I have doubted I could be a slave….anyone that reads that journal has read that concept with me many times. I want to be a slave. But recently what being a slave means….kind of clicked in me. I think I just learn more about it being a slave….each turn in the path. I learn more and more…and it is like there is this big dial in me and when I complete one phase it clicks to the next mark on the dial…and I am just waiting for it to go all around so it will get to that last click and everything then….will start working and I will be a slave *smiles* Wish it was as easy as that sounds lol

Devotion, Dedication and Loyalty are the 3 of the top qualities I see in being a slave. With those 3 things…all the other qualities of a slave…fall under… like obedience and service - domestic or sexual.

That devotion, dedication and loyalty I see more now. I know I am loyal. I am loyal to a fault. Devoted…I know it is something I can be…I was very devoted to Morgan. I was devoted to Don also. And Todd I was devoted too but in a different way then Morgan and Don…and that was because Todd would not let me be more devoted then I was….to him. Dedicated…hmm I believe I am dedicated. But dedication to my Owner…I have not done that yet to the point I need to - to be a slave. Because of trust basically. I mean look at how dedicated I have been to searching to find what I need….examining what I want and need and going after . I am look at that last week Kam was here….and my dedication to Monseigneur E. And how I even went against what I felt was good for me and that went against my code for myself. I call that dedication.

Which now has my mind wondering over the conversation I had with Monseigneur E on Monday. I am having problems getting over him. I needed help. I expressed what I was feeling…the disappointment, anger and sadness of what has gone on. My whole base of my argument was that I felt he gave me implied promises in his words and actions. Now I gave this a lot of thoughts before I said this because…I know Monseigneur E enough to know it could go into a semantics debate. But I was hoping he would hear me and try to understand where I was coming from and not take it as an attack. Because it wasn’t...far from it. I mean I care about him and still had dreams and thoughts of possibly being his…so I would not attack him. Not like I really attack anyone - anyway.

Okay anyway…it did ended in a semantics debate…where I felt he attacked me. And some might think I backed down….with my actions. I thanked him for his time….because I always appreciate any time he has ever given me. I remained to me….submissive. I did not yell - I did not get overly emotionally - I did not react I just sat there while he went on. I then said good bye. And that is when the tears hit. Aydeen called as she was in an im with me at the same time and I was telling her what was going on.

As I said…I thought about it quite a bit before bringing it to him. I had examples to use. And the situation with Kam was actually the biggest one to me. Because I went against who I am…and my beliefs for Monseigneur E. That to me, that he allowed me to do that…go against my belief, was an implied promise of a future. Because there are LONG term affects of that decision.

I hope that he wants to discuss it with me again. But right now I have resolved myself to….that he might not.

I have been thinking a lot of some things that M and I talked about…and just concerned. He knows my concerns; he is very supportive of me and understands that issues might make me not want to continue. I know it is some of what we will talk about again tomorrow. I just think about how he makes me feel and what that means to me and I want to continue. I want to suffer for him but am scared of it too.

I just got done chatting with him. We have quite a few things we are going to talk about tomorrow. We did not chat long but I am smiling again. Our talk was serious but it made me feel just so good to chat with him.

I need to get busy….I need to get my coat out of storage. I am in denial about the cold coming. I hate wearing a coat. I try not to but know I will have to give in at some point.

I am listening to Puddle of Mudd….when the song blurry on is when I am in my car I scream the lyrics! lol it is fun…a good way to relieve stress.