danae

Watching: Trading Spaces
Mood: feeling down
Topics: Various Topics - Memories, Dressing, Nesting

Memories...

There are things I remember about childhood, but they are like little flashes instead of complete memories. I remember little moments in time. So much I have blocked out I know. But even the normal memories are few and far between. And then other times I will have someone describe a something from my childhood and the only reason I remember it - is because of a photograph. Instead of the memory associated with the experience coming to my mind - a photograph of the experience comes to mind. So I know it happened, but I don't remember the experience itself. It bothers me a lot.

But here are some memories I do have and want to hang on to them - There are memories I have of being at my Grandmother's and playing out in her vegetable garden and among the laundry drying on the clothes line. I remember swinging. I remember chasing Spike - Grandma's dog (named by one of my uncles not my Grandma). Being on her farm and naming the chickens and cows. Running around in the "forest" - that is what I called it. It was a little wooded area that surrounded my Grandma's land. I don't have lots of memories of my Grandfather on my Mom's side. On my Dad's side I had both Grandparents until I was a teen when my Grandpa died of cancer. It was really hard on me. He and I were very close. We used to play lots of cards. My Grandparents had a flower garden in their backyard with a little stone path running through it. It was fun to skip and play on the path among the pretty flowers. My Grandma had long finger nails and I would sit on her lap as she sang I would play with her fingernails. I know it sounds strange, but it was so calming. Grandma and Grandpa would buy me paperdolls. Grandma and I would spend time cutting them all out and then I would play with them for hours. I was a big barbie doll girl too. My other Grandma would buy me crocheted barbie clothes at church craft sales. My Grandparents had an apartment in the basement of their house. When there was not a boarder I would play house down there. I would also play records down there and sing and sing to them.

Other memories....I lived in North Dakota until I was 10 years old. Okay so everyone thinks about COLD WINTER's with North Dakota and that is the truth. But really the winters were my favorite part of living there. There was always so much to do. My parents had tons of friends in North Dakota. They were part of many groups there so they had friends from all the organizations. And all the friends of course had kids.

There was a lake not to far from where we lived and lots of their friends had cabins there. During the winter we would go sledding. There was a big hill coming down from the cabin going out on to the ice of the lake. We would be bundled up in warm sweaters with long johns and wool socks and topped with snowsuits. We would go sledding until we were blue icicles. There was always hot chocolate waiting for us. We would sit around a roaring fire playing games until we warmed up and got ready for round 2 of sledding. It was so much fun. We also would go snow mobiling We owned 2 of them. I remember at a young age driving one my own. I am not sure how old I was but I know I was 10 and under.

Okay I guess I will stop rambling on those for a while. :) It was a nice trip down memory lane.

Dressing...Ugly...Easy...Hard....

I get "dressed" for Master during the week for Master. Meaning I do my hair, put makeup on and then get dressed in lingerie or something sexy and/or slutty. It at times is a challenge for me because for months I have not been feeling attractive at all. I have felt ugly. I put the clothes on and it just makes me feel worse instead of better. In the past it would have made me feel better getting all dolled up and sexy. But for some reason it is not doing that anymore.

There has been afternoons I have been really busy and I tell Master what I have left. So He will tell me that is okay to if I do not get dressed. And when He tells me that I don't have to....it is easier to dress for Him. Then when I know I have to get dressed. I still feel "ugly" - no matter what. But there has been some days I literally stand in front of the mirror as I get dressed and just start bawling. There have been times I will get all the way dressed and have to redo my makeup because I get so upset. The nights that Master has said I don't have to get dressed, I get dressed much easier...without all the emotional stuff. But also most of the time it is because I am short on time. Where I am doing all that I told Master I was plus getting ready...so I am rushing. And I don't have time to "think" - to get upset.

Part of me feels bad and guilty because I am able to get dressed easier on the nights Master tells me I don't have to get dressed. I have always heard that it is only submission if it is hard and something you don't want to do. I am not sure I have always agreed with that statement, but on this instance I know I do feel guilty for being able to dress easier on the nights He tells me I don't have to get dressed. :(

Nesting...

I have been feeling the need to nest. This week I have made lots of new dishes and rearranged cupboards and did some spring cleaning.

I made Herb Chicken Piccata, roasted potatoes with garlic and onions and green beans this week. I also baked some herb foccacia bread, made cream puffs with chocolate filling. I made comfort food that my Mom used to make for us as kids and I probably had not had it since then. Master really liked it all.

I get in these nesting periods - like I did this week.

Last time I got in this mood - I julienned carrots, sliced onions, made bread crumbs, made croutons (with the bread I make I hate the ends that bread machine loaf makes so I always trim off the ends and use them for bread crumbs or to make croutons). I then froze them all so I can pull them out and use when I need.