danae

I have not written in a while…

Let’s see if I can recount some of what has happened. He has been sick. So He stayed home from work to rest on Thursday and Friday.

While He was sick, I had lots of time to think. And I started realizing when I looked in His eyes His view of me had changed. I remember the moment it did….too. I believe at first He did not have His feet on the ground and I tried to stay on the ground. At least one foot on the ground *grin*

I have not changed though…being His has not left me. He is good for me. I know it. I can’t explain HOW I know it but I do…I mean there is obvious things of His control that I see are good for me. But it is more then that….more then just D/s. I felt His view of me and want of me had changed. I got scared. It was there in the back of my mind. I was dreaming of Him sending me away a lot.

On Thursday, I went to sleep very frustrated. My clit was throbbing. I woke up playing with myself and I confessed to Him on Friday morning. I had also had dreams of Him sending me away again so had that underlying nervousness hanging in the air.

He played with me and then cuffed me to the bed. It scared me. I hate that right now at times, I feel like I am experiencing things for the first time. I remember that first time I was flogged and first time I was hogtied and how scary it was and how at times I felt I would tell the person to stop. That was how it felt when He chained me to the bed. He was above me and I just was so very scared. He let me out the restraints and walked away. Because my reaction was not “good.” What hurt me though is He walked away in frustration. I wish He had said "I am frustrated and need to walk away" or tell me He was frustrated and did not want to talk for a little bit and stay there with me.

We got past it. We talked about it. I don’t think He fully understands why it feels like I am starting over.

I have had lots of hurts and trust broken in my past and in some ways I am trying not to let that effect – so then things we do feel new. In other ways, I do have those things in my past so the fear is there and causing me to react also.

I had on image of someone I was with….that kept coming back to me on Friday after this incident. This person restrained me much like He did and I reacted negatively. I was scared. I was so scared and this person I was with just laid down next to me and talked….talked about nothing. He did that often with me to get me through fear. He would get my mind off of what we were doing to get me through it. It worked.

So how do I get that HE is not the same as my past. I think so far I have been doing a pretty good job there are just moments when I get scared and don’t feel I can trust Him. Nothing that He has done has shown me I can’t trust Him. He has been very good and patient. He is understanding of my past and is aware of it…does not ignore it is part of me and I am a lucky girl.

I got worried after that…that our Valentine’s was going to be horrible. But it turned out pretty good. * big smile*

So we talked some and then He took a shower, while He was in the shower I pulled an Osho Zen card. It came up the fool. Which is not as bad as card as it sounds but pulling that card in that moment frustrated me. So I reshuffled and pulled again. And no kidding….I pulled the same damn card LOL

In the Osho Zen deck, the fool means trusting the “rightness” of things….trusting, being pure and innocent and just trusting intuition. Well, in that moment after our morning I felt TOTALLY clouded and confused. So I started to get very upset with that card in my hand. I cried and then we got ready to go…I felt like we were off…and not the same page even though somewhere in me the feeling – the knowing – that the path we are on is the path we need to be…that we are suppose to be there together.

We went to lunch and I told Him that His view of me had changed. He did not say much at that time. We talked about it later. And His view had changed. But not in a bad way really, He is basically in reality now.

It seemed after that talk that things changed again for us. I felt Him come closer to me again. He bought me pink roses and we went to dinner. We had a nice dinner and then came home and He restrained me in some restrictive bondage while we watched a movie. We then played. He put a latex hood on me. *blushing * Also He abused my tits and my clit. My clit is still hurting, as it has been abused for several days now.

The hood was not as bad as I thought it was going to be but it does take me away from who I am and I was surprised by that….He told me it would reduce me into an object. But I really did not believe it and get that it would. But it did. I felt like an object. I liked it. I am looking forward to a full leather hood. I get excited thinking about it.

On Saturday, He had me get in the cage. And locked me in…funny I don’t even know how long I was in there. All I know is that it excited me….so very much. He allowed me to masturbate in the cage and I came very hard 3 times. I felt helpless – knowing I couldn’t go anywhere. I was His willing captive. And I liked it. I, also, after being in there for a while….I felt safe and secure. I knew He was in control and I was protected and kept safe by Him.

The cage…is very cool. To look at it and know He made that for * me * - isn’t it amazing? To make me His captive….mmmmmm nice thought.

He used and abused various body parts….

A group I am on asked about if anyone was having any sadistic fun…I would say He has been…

He has slapped, twisted, grasped, pinched, raped, pushed, pulled me….using and abusing me….leaving me breathless and out in a fuzzy mushy state where I am a very happy girl. My masochistic side of me….begs Him to hurt me. Begs Him to use and abuse me. I need Him so desperately in those moments….

Need…

The words…I need Him…

I think of the Osho Zen card I pulled on Friday – about trusting in the “rightness” of things. When I look in His eyes, when I sit at His feet, when I crawl into the cage, when I make Him dinner, when I sleep chained to His bed – next to Him, when I reach out and touch Him…I feel the rightness…and I need Him…

Each day the need of Him grows stronger. He consumes me...and He is becoming my world. In a way that I have always wanted and imagined but never thought I would see…a way that is good for me instead of destructive (such as Todd).

Took a pause in writing this to watch Serendipity. He had never seen it. I have mentioned it a few times since being here because….things have just come up that remind me of the movie. So, I wanted Him to see it. Today we went to Target - we were about to check out and He said “...lets go look for that movie – Serendipity.” And we found it and He bought it. I really like that movie. It is one of the feel good romantic comedy types. I like the word Serendipity….just as Sara said in the movie….what’s not to like about the word that means fortunate accident. : )

I suppose in a way I do feel He and I are a fortunate accident. I mean here He has been so near me for over a year and yet we did not come together until now. It was not an accident but it…was something…something good….something I am holding on it.

I would really like to end this journal entry here…as it feels very good. But there is so much more to talk about….

I had Him…read what I had so far. I always do now….not that He is “approving” it or making me change it…I am not exactly sure why I have Him do that…

I guess it is an approval of sorts. But He wants me to journal…He would not want me to censor or change things.

The journal entry though did spark an hour or more conversation on so many things. As I type this He is feeding me chips. We had a late lunch so we are not really doing dinner tonight.

Topics discussed in our conversation….our goals, plans, where we were and where we are going and….surrender.

He thinks…I feel. He feels too…He is very compassionate. But He says okay here we are and here is where we want to go and here are the things we need to do to get there. Where I got here is what we feel right now and we both want the same end…so we will get there. I don’t worry about when and how it will really happen…and maybe it is because I am putting my trust in Him to get us there. I am working on getting there too, but I don’t have a plan in mind on how to get there.

I want to surrender to Him. I believe I am each day. Each day that need to serve Him…need to surrender grows.

I have surrendered in the past out of fear. But He and I don’t want that….we want that surrender to come out of love and trust.

He wants to treat me as an animal. Humiliate and degrade me – treating me like nothing. But it is a process to get there. He could have taken me to that place day one, but I would have gone there in fear. But what want a relationship that has a foundation of  trust.

We are building a D/s foundation. We are building a relationship…towards an ultimate goal. We both want the same things and I keep my eye on that. I have faith in that. And I * know * it is in me to surrender. The questioning I had….is gone. I feel I will have more roadblocks and questions. I still have the internal fights, but I feel that surrender now. I feel it there and it is not scaring me. I know He is very sadistic and can hurt me and WILL hurt me. But He loves me and that somehow changes it…it does not take way from my experience. I fear Him. The fear is different then what I had with M…, as FEAR was the only thing that I had with M. With Him I am going to have a Master/slave relationship.

I hope I am making sense….

I just * know * it is a good path I am on. Even during the bumps I feel it. I get scared and have insecurities but it is always there. Even when He was saying to me during our nuclear meltdown – “who do you want to call” I knew it. I knew I just needed to get * us * to slow down and keep talking. To get our feet on the ground and look at the big picture.

I fight inside right now but it is not Him. It is me. He used an analogy tonight. He said it is like I have all these fibers and things going on inside healing from my past….Don, Todd and so on. And He is opening some things up and those fibers are going hey hey what are you doing! We were just getting ready to heal…and it is not that He is stopping that….I am just not trusting that I won’t get the same wounds or have those stitches ripped out or open again.

But each day my trust in Him grows.

Okay an analogy for my path to surrender. With a past owner, there was lots of fog. I did not know where we were going or what we were doing….I did not see anything ahead…I did not see the path we were on….and we went on this path. And we got to a point and he left….the fog cleared and I was on a bridge…the edge. The bridge represents surrender to me. With HIM….I see the bridge ahead. He has told me that it is there…and I know I am going to have to go on that bridge and even more….I * want * to be on the bridge. I love that…feeling that bridge gives me…and I want Him to take me to the edge of that bridge. I want to go that edge. I need the bridge…I need the edge. And I am very aware this time that the bridge is there…and I want to go on it for Him – with Him….and FOR ME.

I trust Him. And I say it with out fear and worry that it could change. With the person I talked about above, I was not there…I was not aware of what I was doing. But with Him I am aware and happily that He is going to love me and make love to me but also bring me down to nothing and treat me like His caged captive.

And I am going there very consciously….going there willingly….wantingly….

The end for now…I am sure there will be more about this…path I am on…with Him. Oh such a deliciously intense path.