Thursday, June 26, 2008

Submission is not a gift to me.....

Just a reminder this is my journal -- so my opinions. I understand that many feel submission is a gift and have their reasons. But for me....I don't feel submission is a gift. I feel it is another one of those BDSM slogans we have that tries to make what we do seem okay to vanillas or do "newbies." (newbies in quotes as I don't like the term either.) It feels like it is "look see I only give my precious gift of submission to this one person and he will handle that gift with care and cherish it so it is okay - we are okay" It feels very much like a romanticized version of BDSM.

So I don't think submission is a gift because...

* Well looking at the dictionary as it is often the place I start - the word "gift" means: a thing given willingly to someone without payment, something acquired without compensation and a natural ability or talent.

Well reality is that I am in a relationship and try to keep my feet grounded in reality. I don't expect payment but there are things I get in submitting to Master. I mean he isn't just sitting around (gift of submission kind of implies he is to me). As I said it is a relationship and that means not just one person in it - goes back and forth between the people in the relationship. I also get things from serving and submitting to Master. I get pleasure and feelings of accomplishment/pride and many other things. So then by the dictionary definition it is not a gift.

* It is often heard that submission is the best gift you can give your dominant. And I have to say if you think that then I really feel your relationship isn't going to be lasting long. How about devotion? How about obedience? How about loyalty? How about determination? How about the many varied services you can offer through the many skills you have? I have much more then submission to give.

* I think calling it the gift of submission makes it seem more important then what the dominant does in the relationship. To me it sounds like the submissive is doing everything an the dominant is sitting there. And that isn't true. A relationship takes all parties being involved in it.

* If submission is a gift and you have limits and want to negotiate that submission when it is given and how it is given then is it really a gift? It sounds like a gift with strings then. To me a gift is given and then that person owns the gift to do what they like with it. When giving a gift just gave ownership to another person - completely. My Aunt gave me an sweater that doesn't fit and I gave it to goodwill. It was my right as she gave me that gift - I now own it and can do with it what I like. I can appreciate that she gave me a gift and like it without "cherishing it."

I can hear well then I wouldn't deserve the submissive's gift of submission. Well then I say put your feet on the ground because life changes. What I give today might not suit him 10 years from now. Just like I enjoyed cherries 6 years ago but now my stomach just can't handle them now. It doesn't mean I didn't value the wonderful tastes and pleasure the cherries gave me. It just changed. I enjoyed it at one time. I don't now. It is a harsh reality to think we might not be with your dominants 10 years from now but reality is some of the best of couples needs/wants change. It is reality.

* I always try to find the vanilla equivalent as I feel we aren't all that different from the counter part. So is a woman gifting her husband with marriage by being his wife? Being a wife is just part of the relationship when getting married. Submitting is just part of a D/s and M/s relationship.

* A gift is given willingly and freely so when I struggle in my submission then again is that really a gift? If a gift is given willingly then my submission should always be given easily and willingly - without struggles. I am human - I struggle.

* Flowers are a gift. Chocolates are a gift. There are many wonderful gifts out there. Giving flowers and chocolates means seeing the person smile and feeling good about it. It is a pretty package. Submission isn't always fun or pretty. It isn't always something I enjoy. It is something that is a part of my relationship.

* I have also heard the gift is really trust and love so that you can submit to the "one." As they are all things that go naturally hand and hand. Well first trust and love can be parts of a relationship just like submission. Next I don't need trust and love to submit. I do trust and love Master. We are even hearts and flowery romantics at times. We just are mushy. I can look at our relationship through rosy glasses and do get caught up in it. And I totally get submitting to someone you trust. I do think most of us seek that but trusting the person doesn't automatically make submission a gift. It just means you trust the person and you now can submit - sounds like compatibility. (Also that can go back to the definition again because that it wouldn't be a gift. The gift then wasn't given freely without payment -- a person giving the gift of submission after trust and love are in place got trust and love and now are submitting.)

* In terms of slavery -- gift implies choice to me and I don't have a choice. I submit because I am owned.

Well I feel I am repeating myself now but I think I covered why I don't feel submission is a gift.


  1. Danae, this is such a powerful post. I've never thought of my submission to Sir as a "gift" for me it's just a way of life. i have NO choice but to submit. From day one He gave me an order and i took it.

    Some days i don't feel very submissive but i know i have to serve and i do just that, but my submission was ordered so how can it be a gift?

    i did not chose this way of chose me. Life has many gifts but my submission to Sir is not one of them.

    Thank you for the wonderful thought provoking post.

    His mija~

  2. Danae;

    Thank you... as a Dominant I have often been confused and perplexed when a submissive offers her "gift" of submission. I have never viewed submission as a gift, it is who you are.

    Thank you...


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