Wednesday, August 28, 2013

He's a Creep

Have you ever got an email or had someone approach you and think, "He's a creep?"  I know I have done it.  But I would like to reframe that a bit - instead of thinking "He's a creep" instead maybe think "You know he isn't my type, but he has a match out there." 

I do think there are people who are inappropriate on their interactions.  But I think the ones that are truly inappropriate are usually easy to spot:
  • Asking to hook up for sex
  • Asking for naked photos
  • Asking you to do something like send them a note saying you will obey and be their submissive, saying "Kneel Bitch", "what are you wearing", "I am now your dominant and you will only talk to me" and so on with the over the top commands.
I think some people get put in the inappropriate box because....
  • Group Think - here is how it happens: Someone writes a sub A a message that is very benign like welcome to fetlife, some safety tips or definitions for when you are new to BDSM. Sub A goes to to sub B and says "So and so wrote me." Sub B says, "Oh stay away from him he is bad news." Now before sub A can even make up her mind he is bad news she has it in her mind he is and goes with it. Then eventually a whole group is thinking this just because sub B doesn't like this person. SO...find out for yourself and don't fall into the group think mentality.
  • Not your type - Sometimes we can get a gut reaction just because someone is so not our type that doesn't make them a creep. The emails might just be asking about things you are interested in, but they just aren't your type so it makes you uncomfortable reading it. Better to say "no thank you" then say they are being inappropriate. Because all they are doing is trying to show that they are interested in you. Take it as flattering instead of taking it as they are being a creep. Be clear and polite in expressing you don't have an interest.
  • Projecting – In a previous M/s relationship, after asking for release, I really was all over the map. My feelings were chaotic, angry, hurt, sad … everything. I didn’t know who I was or what I wanted. Inside myself, I hated the feeling of not being owned. I felt pressure to find – the one. I started getting hit on right away (as most single submissives do) and I quickly discovered I had become prey. Most of the emails I got were the easy to spot kind (like mentioned at the beginning of the post), but some weren't. I found that I was projecting my own feelings onto them because I felt pressure. I was a mess and didn’t immediately recognize that I needed time to heal. They weren’t pressuring me – it was my own issues pressuring myself that perpetuated my misconception. All they were – were d-types who had an interest in me. Looking back, I can see that they were just carrying on a conversation and simply wanted to get to know me. I turned them away because of my own internal issues and what I was projecting on them. Actually maybe in a way they were meant to help me move forward without pressure, but I couldn’t see that because of the pressure I was placing on myself and how I was feeling in general.
  • Misunderstanding – One thing I think that happens more than anything is that we constantly misunderstand the motivations behind what people write or say. I think we’ve gotten so used to overreacting because we aren’t used to people acting like people. We’re used to the ones like “kneel bitch” or “show me your naked pictures.” Sometimes people just write you to get to know you better. Sometimes they crave conversation or they might be lonely or yes there might be an interest. There is nothing inappropriate about that and you’re definitely within your right to then invoke “not your type” as mentioned above. But at least recognize that you may have misunderstood their intentions or read into something that simply wasn’t there. It throws you off because we sometimes automatically put something in the inappropriate column without understanding the motivation in the first place. It’s always better to communicate clearly where you’re coming and/or ask if you are unsure of their intentions so that there can be no misunderstandings down the road.
Some Tips to help you Navigate the Playing Field...
  • Take Time -Take the time to get to know someone. Just because you have a few conversations with them doesn't mean they are perfect partner. Let it happen naturally and figure out if your wants and desires meshes with theirs (even the vanilla stuff)
  • Be Clear - Be clear within yourself what you are seeking and be clear with those who are interested. It is okay to say "I want to get to know you as friends." It is okay to say, "I want to play, but I don't want this to mean anything, but play." I know that sometimes playing can imply to d-types that the relationship is moving forward. So if that isn't your intention make sure you are clear from the start.
  • Attention - Getting emails, chatting, getting attention can make us feel good. When we feel good about that attention, we might do things such as flirt or make comments that can make our intentions change direction. Meaning showing someone your nude photo after you told them you want to be friends is probably going to give mixed signals. It might signal that if you are ready to show a nude picture then you are ready to move forward in this relationship. I am going to throw this out there from years of experience - Guys, even domly types, sometimes take any attention from a submissive as a signal things are moving forward. Because the attention makes them feel good too so the leap forward instead of listening. So just because that attention feels good, keep clear in your boundaries and direction.
  • Ask for Advice - but resist the urge to gossip. It is fine to go to a good friend and say "I am confused on this guys is what has been happening how do you see it" or "I have been telling this guy no but he doesn't seem to be listening can you see if I am giving him mixed signals or what I can do to help him understand." But resist going to friends and saying "hey he is a creep." Because just because he makes you uncomfortable doesn't mean the next person won't be able to break him out of this shell and connect with him. It might be your projection and your issue which makes him feel like a creep to you. Sometimes we are mirror and can learn a lot about what we think of others by turning that around on ourselves.
  • Delete & Block - For those FetLife emails that say get on your knees bitch, send me your naked photo, or lets hook up for sex and play type messages - delete them. Don't even respond. If they message again, block them. On FetLife, you go to their profile by clicking on their name. On the right hand of the profile you will see Message Kinkster, Add to My Friends, Report User and Block User. Click Block User for those that are persistent and won't take no for an answer.
  • Instinct - last but not least - trust your instinct. If something feels off, then trust your instinct. You don't want to meet with that guy you made a date with, then don't meet with him, be polite and clear when you call him and cancel and yes calling and canceling is the right thing to do. Just don't stand him up as we all know how that feels. Also don't just jump to the conclusion it is him - it might be that you aren't ready or he isn't the one for you. Something made your internal workings go stop and it might be something with him or it might just be something with in yourself.
Bottom line is be clear with people, trust your instincts and use common sense.

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