March Questions: Slavery

What is the hardest thing about being a slave? Has your slavery changed over the years?

Okay could we ask some harder questions (yes I am being sarcastic!)

I don't think there is just one hard thing but for me I think over all is just not being in control of what will happen as silly as that sounds coming from someone who doesn't want control. It is hard to get that image of how things "should" be out of my head...that ideal how I should be or how I think M/s should be. I am not in control so M/s is how he wants it be...including how he wants me to be as his property and slave. And I get tripped up with thinking well this is how *I* think it should be.

Other thing that is really hard for me and I think will be the theme of 2007...is letting go of the past to fully be enslaved. Trusting that outcome will be okay - again control....hard to let go of the control to trust that things will be okay.

My slavery has changed over the years. I have let go so much. Things that come up seem to be less of a struggle. I am not saying I don't struggle I do...oh I do but I do it internally and let it go quicker then I have in the past. And of course because things change...if these questioned would have been asked a year ago the answers might have been different. And that made me think back on how each year in service to Master I have changed...and really each year has kind of had a theme to them. That theme would repeat often throughout each year. Of course even though something might have been a theme in that first year doesn't mean I still don't struggle with it at times. It is just they seemed to be things I came back to the most that year.

So bring it down by years (just the years with Master - too hard to go back further then that)

2003: That first year with Master was about learning what Master liked and didn't like. Learning how to do things. That year ended with letting go of being perfect. That I didn't need to be super slave. That he was still going to want me even if I couldn't keep the house spotless.

2004: Second year as strange is this is going to sound was about learning that I was not in control. Now I got that in the first year but I was so caught I think in well honeymoon period and enthrallment in Master that I don't think it fully sank in that...I can't just run out and buy a new lipstick ever again. I can't donate money to a charity without asking. I can't buy a present for someone without asking. I can't spend $20 just because. So the 2nd year for me was just about acceptance of my life...of being owned...of that I am not in control.

2005: Expectations - letting go of expectations. Such as the expectation it wasn't going to be like that first year...for the rest of our life. Expectations of sex, sm, wants and desires but also expectations of what being a slave is. It is hard to at times get the image of what I feel is slave out my head and just know that how things are okay. Acknowledge that right now...here and now is good...I am doing what he wants and so let go of expectation of where things should go - where I should be as a slave. The other theme was being flexible. That things change and just need to learn to bend....which was also part of 2006.

2006: But the main theme of 2006 was about service...servitude not slavery really but servitude. Basically serving without the fun stuff attached.

One thing that is always constant though is the desire to be Master's slave. I was really burnt out last year. And even in the hard times I wasn't and he wasn't willing to give up. It would have been easy to say okay it just isn't working but we love each other...we see the big picture and we are going after our dream and taking this journey as Master/slave together.