Monday, May 08, 2006

Everyday is Exactly the Same

I am extremely tired. Master says all the stress is catching up with me. I went to bed at 11pm last night and slept until 9am. And that is A LOT of sleep for me. And the sad thing is I actually feel like I could sleep all day long. Master told me I could...which was very nice of him - especially considering the house is a mess at the moment and I haven't really done a lot of spring cleaning. I usually spring clean in April. I tear each room apart - get rid of stuff, reorganize and clean. But this past April somehow I could only do little bits and pieces and never a full blown spring cleaning. So this weekend I made a list of everything I wanted to do in regards to spring cleaning. And I plan on starting today. I am going to start at one end of the house and work my way through this week -- as next week we will be out of town.

Yesterday we went to a friend's house and I wasn't looking forward to it as this month period has been horrible. I just felt I wasn't in the frame of mind to be around people. But I put on my happy face and went to be social as it was important to Master.

We talked about grieving at our friends house as she was very close to our friend that died. It seems we all have been having delayed reactions. And I also found out more details about the death and it just made it almost worst...but long term it will probably be better as I have had questions hanging out there that got answered yesterday.

I discussed with another friend recently that I have stuffed some of my grieving because I felt the need to be strong for Master while he went through this process. And I started to let it out a little bit because I thought He was more on the healing end of it....but then realized He was still really sad and grieving still so I stuffed it back in and then again it started to come out. I keep doing that cycle so I guess that would be explaining one reason I am so tired. It is very exhausting doing that. Master did not ask me to do that....I just felt as his slave and partner that I wanted to be there for Him as He knew her better and so I wanted to support Him though this hard time. I guess I wasn't expecting it to affect me as much as it has...either.

Thank you everyone who has commented, emailed, sent ecards and notes my way during this hard time. They really have been wonderful and I amazed by everyone's support and kindness. I have an amazing group of friends. Thank you!

Speaking of friends...I have really been missing V & s -- our friends towards Denver. I asked Master if we could possibly ask them about getting together while we are over in that area next week...but with Master's schedule I am not sure that will be possible. But I will keep my fingers crossed as I really could use some quality time with our friends who I can totally be me around and not worry if I am going to say something "wrong."

I was reading a leather lifestyle blog this morning and again I was having those longings for the leather community. I know we have lifestyle people here but we don't have an active leather or BDSM community. And the closest BDSM community is 4 hours away. Master and I are always Master and slave. But after an event or time with other lifestyle people there is an energy that we carry away with us that just seems rejuvenate us. It isn't that it makes us more Master/slave but it gives a bump up in our energy...that ebbs and flows with life. We haven't seen V & s in long while. And we haven't been to an event in 2 years. So, while I was reading of this slave's journey as she has MaST meetings to go to, slave coffee's, events, and a close leather family....I was feeling very envious of her. Because I could read that she has that camaraderie and energy around her all the time.

There was a meme going around recently that I actually need to finish on LJ that was that you commented and then that person would tell you something they like about you, tell you something they would like to do with you and so on. The several people that did this for me -- said they appreciated me putting my life out there as a slave and writing about my experiences. As I have been reading some lifestyle blogs and livejournal's lately...I have really have felt like I am not writing a lot of substance lately. It is just daily mundane life stuff and although I think there is good things about the daily little things I just don't feel I have mentioned a lot that people would "recognize" as a lifestyle topic or put to being a slave. But all day everyday though it is just so a part of me....that as I clean, as I brush my teeth, as I make the bed, as I think about the next thing that needs to be done....I am His. It doesn't turn off and it doesn't mean doing the daily mundane things are filled with glamour or sex or kink. I am owned. I am here to obey and serve and I do it everyday in all the little things I do. All day long it is so ingrained into me that I am His that as I clean, as I brush my teeth, as I make the bed and as I think about the next thing that needs to be done...I am serving my Master.

A while back someone asked me if I masturbate and I said yes. And they said why don't you write about it and what you think about. And for me I don't because again it is just one of my tasks during the day that I do....without actually almost thinking about - it is just part of the day....I clean, I brush my teeth, I make meals, I do the things I know need to get done and Master expects and in the daily routine of that day I masturbate - it is just one thing I do....nothing special.

So, is there a point here somewhere? I guess when I was feeling guilty as all these nice people were saying that I write about my slave experience and I was thinking that I didn't really show them anything special....but in my reality this is my slave experience. I am a domestic slave and any other thing Master wants or expects is what I do and it is so ingrained that I don't think it is anything other then normal me.

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