what is going on with me....and Hurricane Katrina....

So, I guess it is time for me to do a post about Hurricane Katrina....I haven't done a post like this in a while....feel a little too open...but going to post anyway.

I have posted links and such but not said anything because when I think about it...it hurts to much. I break down crying and feel so much pain that I feel like I am falling into a deep pit of darkness. It then start being covered by numbness and then goes to feeling nothing about it one way or the other -- as the day wears on. I guess I feel with the depression I have going on...it is like I am basket filled with emotions and thoughts...they are making the the basket overflow -- because there is too much going in but nothing coming out. During depression it is really hard for me to process any emotion or thought. It is hard for me to focus. So it has no place to go....because I am not processing very well or quickly. When I do seem to process something - it either comes back quickly because I probably did not deal with it totally or it is quickly replaced with something else. So, Hurricane Katrina kind of just hangs on the outside of the basket....never really making sinking in. It does affect me by being there for a little bit....I sob, I hurt but then.....stuff starts bubbling up that overshadows that pain.

So, I know I am not doing anything to help to the people devastated by Hurricane Katrina because I can't even send out good thoughts/energy right now. Usually - without depression - when I do things through out the day, I try to give back and I can't really explain what I do but it almost a meditation/mantra type practice of sending out good thoughts/energy to others. And I haven't been able to do that in a while and I feel very helpless and guilty actually for not being able too. I have several friends online that are going through this hurricane or have family and I haven't even been able to read their lj/blog posts all the way through or comment because I just don't feel like I have anything to give. And I am very sorry for that.

I am very grateful for all the wonderful people that are not only giving money, food, time, housing and such to the effort but also thoughts and healing. Because I do believe all things in this universe are connected and so even those help people. So thank you for giving what I am not...right now.