Birthday Blues

Well I am thankful that migraines stayed away while out of town but I started my period this week so with it comes migraines and so day 2 of migraine here (well going on day 3 now I guess). My period this month has been so odd. I spotted at the beginning of the month for a few days. I then started my "real" period slowly on Wednesday and now it is in its horrible stage of 3 ibuprofen don't even touch the pain. One good thing is that my period should be done by my birthday.

Okay as everyone knows I am a big person on birthdays. It is day to celebrate. And I try to celebrate my friends and family as I am truly happy that they are in the world! And even my own birthday I try to honor too but this year is REALLY hard. I will be turning 40 on the 18th and not looking forward to it at all. I am glad I get to see my parents but I am really wishing they would have come at another time. But I know they want to celebrate my 40th birthday with me. I just thought I would like to have some time to curl up and cry for a bit.

As I said I am happy to see my parents. I miss them but just not happy about celebrating and making a big deal of my birthday this year.

Master's family is big on celebrating birthdays too. And even though I asked them not to last year - they invited family over. I still celebrated last year properly last year even if family had not come over. And really I couldn't enjoy myself as much because family was over. I had to be on more. So this year I am trying hard not for it not to get into a big family thing. Just my parents and his out to dinner and that is it. (oh yeah and this will be my parents and his parents first meeting so more stress to add on top of my icky birthday).

So why am I not wanting to "celebrate" - 40 shouldn't be a big deal? And I know plenty of people have told me their 40's were the best time of their life. I get that. I think I am just going through some depression in general and just not happy with myself. (just to make clear - glad I am in the relationship I am in and glad that many things in my life have developed as they have - just not happy with some things with myself as person.)

So that is where I am at...right now. In crying, moody, hurty, depressed mood. I should be asking for some cheese with my whine.

ps: I know I would have friends worrying about wishing me a happy birthday but please don't change what you would do. I just am needing to vent and get this out

**icon from Breakfast at Tiffany's because I am watching it right now