Blank Slave

Last night....I when I picked a Rune out of the bag and it was the blank one....

I had the rush come through me of knowing....that knowing.....it did not matter what the book was going to say...I knew in me what it meant…for me….to me. And it was rush of energy. It meant...nothing. Being nothing...becoming nothing....feeling the state of being nothing.

The book then ended up talking about the truth of surrender. And so much that relates to the feelings I am having. I have never felt I was slave material. I did not think I could do it. But part of me...wants it so badly. So, if I want it so much does that mean I can do it? I want to be a slave, but have felt maybe I am not one.

When Mistress DM said I was not...I was crushed...literally. I grieved and cried. This person that I respect and want approval from crushed my dream. And if she felt then it must be true. I then got mad. Mad at her for not seeing...ME. And it was like one of those things where someone tells you...you can't do it....so just to prove them wrong you work harder to prove them wrong. That is what I was going to do and then life got in the way. I then came to a quiet understanding that deep inside....I feel I am a slave....and the one that will eventually own me will see it too....and bring it out…from behind the walls that I have put it deeply protected. And that is all that mattered. But it is hard to hang on to that....hard to hang on the belief without the proof. It is hard to hang on and say one day...wondering when if that one day will be here. Wondering if it is just a daydream in me or if it is a reality and I can be a slave.

As I read about Robin....I shake my head....remembering....times like her...assumptions on how to serve....assumptions on how things should be....not showing the gratefulness at the appropriate times (that one is a hard one for me). There are things that come to me natural instinct. Things that don't come out of my mouth even though they are thought because....it is not appropriate. There are other things that when I have lost it....lost my patience....lost my...searching for the word....it is that place of serving and confusion of not knowing what to expect next and not feeling the direction at all...and feeling like I am doing it all on my own...that things come out of my mouth that are LESS then appropriate.

I want to be nothing and the feelings as I read the Market Place series becomes stronger. I want to feel that feeling of being nothing. It scares me and it makes me feel so calm when I let myself go into the daydream of it.

Last year when Nick came into my life I wanted the things that Todd gave me (the good things). And now I get torn between wanting to be treated like nothing and wanting to be cared for. Can both be achieved? Will that feeling of nothingness make me feel cared for?

Aydeen and I were making beds last night and she told me a story of her being totally exhausted...having a long day. Sir Laz came in to help her make the beds as she had....a long day and was just so tired. She started to get more and more on edge as he helped and finally she asked him if she could make the bed by herself and him just watch her. It was making her on edge...her Master helping with something she enjoys doing FOR him…a way she serves him. It made her feel cared for....by serving him....by her making the bed and him watching her. So, I thought about it for a moment and it only took me a moment believe me...and if the one that Owned me....came to help me I feel I would feel more cared for because he was helping. Now....okay this is the tricky part....for me.....

This morning I thought about it more...and I think if Monseigneur E came in and helped me.....I would be terribly uneasy. And if Nick did...I would feel cared for....but maybe it is because the relationships. Nick and I are comfortable together....so far (things will change when we hit real life). And Monseigneur E is more formal to me....I know he can joke around and have fun. But there is a feeling of formality around him...when I think of him. And air of respect that I can't really put into words. And I know that I care for him...but it is different then how I care for Nick. And maybe it is just because I just recently admitted I have feelings for Monseigneur E. But they are more D/s - BDSM feelings. And with Nick...I have D/s, BDSM, Vanilla, Love, and just all sorts of feelings. I care for both but in very different ways.

I better stop babbling….eating a sandwich that Aydeen just made me…I am being spoiled rotten :)