questioning my "submissiveness".

I am not even sure where to start.........

Right now the thing most upfront in my mind is Monseigneur E. And Nick....oh wow....

Right now I am questioning my "submissiveness"...if I can be a slave or enslaved. I am reading the Marketplace books and of course that is giving me LOTS of food for thought. Robin...I am really liking lots. Thoughts that go through her head that she does not say happens to me lots. I am just not the same submissive I was.....

Today Monseigneur E asked me if I get enjoyment out of denying my nature and desires. I said no Sir of course not. And then he asked if I got satisfaction out of it. I said no Sir. Then he asked why I persist in denial of my nature and desires. I told him I did not think it was about enjoyment or satisfaction but that right now I have a lot of things going through my head making me question who I am. He said that I was the only one that was not clear about it. :)  The first thought that went through my mind was calm and I typed maybe Sir….though I was thinking yes Sir you are right. Then....I read it again....and I got annoyed. Mostly because I could hear his voice being so calm and matter of fact about it like...there was no way in hell that I am not submissive/slave…..or whatever he wants me to be. That is how it felt when he said it and a little rebel in me wanted to push back....and say you think you are right hahaha yeah right...nice huh? submissive huh? Well, I typed about 4 witty but less then nice remarks and backspaced and deleted them all...

And you know what got me the most after the conversation closed and I walked way from the computer....

That I backspaced. I did not hit enter on any of the remarks. So what does that mean? He won? Maybe. :)

I know I am submissive...I guess what I question more is HOW submissive am I? I am not just a bottom. I can play when I want...I am not wanting just sex...can get that too. I am not wanting just one thing.....I want it all...everything :) I am a greedy slut :)

Someone I know keeps telling me that what I seek does not come in one neat package....I think he is wrong. I think I can find....have found someone that does. Now....I say I want these things but can I do it? Humiliation - easy. Taking a beating - again another easy thing. Sex - no problem :) Bring it all up a few steps – and then….on top of it….add D/s.......and now I have a BIG problem. Which brings me back to what I have been pondering for a while now.....HOW submissive am I.....can I be a slave? be enslaved?

Everyone around me tells me I am submissive. And I do know that....it is just to what degree. Linda told me when I am with her Master...Monseigneur E....that I will see I am submissive. I told her I have changed lots since I last saw her. She said something...she said don't judge my submissiveness when I am single. She said we needed to talk about that later. And I do want to ask her about that as it seems like it could be a very interesting convo.

I wonder if he is always right?

That is my problem….I am always right. I remember having a convo with Todd once and I said this being totally serious and sad about it….he said that I always had to right and I said no I just always was right…and that I hated it. I do. I don’t like that I am always right. Yet at the same time the day I am knocked down a few pegs…is going to be a very enlightening day for me.

Tonight I signed online and Monseigneur E was online and we chatted. His conversation with me was not our usual flavor. (blushing) We were chatting about something he wants to do with me. And something that I want to do with him also just going to be one of those things that will be a learning experience….since I have not done much of it. In the course of discussing this he said something and I took it as a “suggestion” because to me….here I am in Aydeen and Sir Laz’s…home so it seemed….unusual to have this “request” to me. And then he said something else and I realized it was not a “suggestion” or a “request” but basically I was being TOLD to do something. I then informed him of the situation a little more and then he came back with that after that situation cleared I was to proceed with the directions. I was surprised. I was of course totally turned on too.

He then said something close to that he thought we were beyond him making “suggestions” to me.

And that even got to me. I had that little shiver go down the back of my neck.

At one point earlier in the conversation Aydeen read one thing he wrote to me and she even blushed lol I blushed too but she blushed right along with me lol

Monseigneur E and Linda want me to visit. And it seems like NOW – instead of later. It feels very…on the edge right now. And as Moni pointed out to me today….I have business to take care of in Cleveland first. : (

Reading back what I have written….read part about Robin and The Marketplace and the Thank you Sir’s I typed tonight came to mind. Two weeks ago I am not sure I would have said Thank you Sir as much as I did tonight. It was sincere…but I am thinking more with the Marketplace …thinking of things I “forget” that bother me. And being grateful for the things I am given, as a submissive is one of those things. Especially with someone like Monseigneur E.

Before I left I did a blogger entry that was a bunch of dailies smushed together. In it I talked about a fantasy organization of who I would want in it….I listed pretty much people I look up to and respect in D/s and BDSM….Soulhuntre and Kimiko were on that list. Laura Antiniou of course (Author of the Marketplace series) and Monseigneur E is up there with them.

He gets it.

There is so much more I need to type but I need to get to bed….Good night.


Written March 26, 2012 @ 9:26pm: I just reread this entry tonight and I am just adding what he had me do...he had me sit under the desk for a period of time and then had me sit on the floor and type to him in im. Basically kneeling at the desk to type.