Worthy

I am having a nice time in Memphis.....Aydeen is spoiling me though so it is going to be rough on me when I get home. Right now I sit here typing with a kitten sleeping on my foot. The kitten is very cute and tiny. I wish I could pet her but I am allergic to cats. I chatted with Linda and then Honey this morning online. It was nice to chat with both of them. I did not start my convo with Linda...hi how are you...I started with Do you still have bruises. She went on to decribe the bruises she had left and then some of what her scene with her Master entailed. And Aydeen and I were drooling with envy....well I drooled and then had a rush of fear go through me. I asked if the new girl with them came home with bruises and Linda said...no she did not like pain but more mind play. I said I like both....all I want is everything. I want it all. :)

The other night when I talked with Monseigneur E, I was telling him that I relate to just little aspects of the submissives in the book but not one really just stood out and said this is me. He said at the end of the book...I would see where Brian is like me. I was reading a part where Brian was going over and over in his mind about everyone was trained with a special....area....like Robert was a driver/bodyguard and that Claudia could run a household, and Sharon was given dance lessons as well as lessons on Opera and other things of that nature. But he felt he was not being groomed for anything and getting upset about. As Brian is getting upset...I was getting upset that Monseigneur E said I was like Brian....And the part comes...the part where Brian gets on his knees and begs.....and I started crying and crying and crying....I had to put the book down and just sit and cry. I could see myself doing that. It would take me a while to get it like Brian did...also. And how I am now....I looked back in the book where Brian did things but did not exert more then he had to.....I can see me doing that now.

I hate what I have become.....I get mad and want to scream....because I was not like this....and I want the rage gone. I remember serving completely....giving everything in myself so that I was so exhausted by the evening...I had no choice but to sleep. I remember doing all that I could plus things I could not and wearing myself too thin....just to serve him better. Where every thought was how to better serve and if he would want me to do something....every thought and muscle reacted to being owned. Not that I want to be so extreme but now...I am the opposite end. I do not think ahead and don't want to because...it is like they have to prove worthy first. The Dominant prove worthy.....

Something Monseigneur E and I discussed just popped to mind as I said worthy......I told him the ONE thing I want to do that I have never done. My one extreme thing...that is taboo even in BDSM lifestyle....I want to be f*cked by a dog. I try not to antcipate how Monseigneur E is going to react as he is not predictiable. And what he said was not predictable and had to do with being worthy. It of course got a reaction out of me though - *blush*

Back to the Dominant proving himself worthy......I just will not give everything unitl I know....that I am going to be taken care of in return. By taken care of....I mean my needs. The needs of slave go beyond food and shelter. I told Aydeen and Linda that I am going through that phase of wondering if I am submissive. And I am......but Aydeen has pointed out a couple times...when I said things about Nick....and says you don't think that is being submissive. I said no...I can live in denial. More and more I think about it what I think is that I can be submissive but not full time....or maybe I will not able to be enslaved.

I started reading book 2...The Slave...and Robin I am relating to.....right now. Might change as time goes on....how she reacts the thoughts that go through her head. She does what she is suppose to but she has thoughts of should I or what is the right away...self-doubts if she can do it...really. I am sure The Slave will be just as interesting as The Market Place.

Btw....website to buy these books.....http://www.iron-rose.com/marketplace/

I get daily - an inspiration, horoscope, Hindu Wisdom and Buddist Wisdom. Today's Hindu Wisdom....I just read....

Just as rivers flow from east and west to merge with the one sea, forgetting that they were ever separate rivers, so all beings lose their separateness when they eventually merge into pure Being. -Chandogya Upanishad