Perspective

Aydeen gave me a gift today. Every time someone gives me something lately....I feel overwhelmed with...gratitude....and cry.

She gave me Rune's and then the book with them. Right away we opened them I drew a Rune and then she did. And as she told me....I will now always remember the one that we drew first. As she drew the same one only mine was reversed. Mine was....Rune of Opening - Reversed. Here is what the book said about it: "Expect a darkening of the light in some situation or relationship. A friendship may be dying, a partnership, a marriage, or some aspect of yourself that is no longer appropriate to the person you are now becoming. Reversed, this Rune points to the death of a way of being that is no longer valid and puts you on notice that failure to face up consciously to that death would constitute a loss of opportunity. 'Kano Reversed' calls for giving up gladly the old and being prepared to live for a time empty. It calls for developing inner stability and carries the warning not to be seduced by the momentum of old ways while waiting for the new to become illuminated in their proper time."

Fitting with what is going on with me right now. Everything...I do...dream....turn to find.....comes back to that...this is right. To close the one door and go through the next....that is open to me. And I keep trying to find a way to convince myself it won't work and then something comes right up to me...close....right in my face and says "see....it will."

I discussed this with Monseigneur E tonight. And basically what it came down to....is I need to trust him. We would not even be this far if he did not see the potential for success. I said to him...."So basically I should stop worrying so much and know you have things under control, Sir?" And he said that is what he would suggest. So how do I stop worrying? *smiles*

It is really hard letting go and trusting....that someone else is looking out for all these things....that have caused problems before. It is really hard to let go and clear my mind of everything, but pleasing and serving him and just have faith. Not only does it seem he has faith in me....but confidence in that this is going to work. Now I need to get faith in him....in us three together. And I do....I just let my old insecurities crop up. He is not getting long neurotic emails that Nick got...I wonder why? hmmmmmmm

I know why....because Monseigneur E does not let it get to that point. I don't get time to be neurotic...lol oh no....maybe I will have to be happy instead? *smiles*

Tonight I realized that I was back to holding him at arms length. And I did not realize I was doing it. I mean last week there were times I did it purposely. But today I did not even see that I was until I was talking to Aydeen. I realized it and felt bad instantly. I apologized for doing so and he gave me a new perspective to look at it from (which is one thing I am really really liking with him)....he told me he wondered how I would feel if he held me at arms length.

And I would feel...awful....because I would get hit with insecurities of maybe I did something wrong and he was mad at me. I doubt highly he would feel the same way but even so....it is not right to do. And I knew that but looking at it from the other perspective made me realize how wrong it is to do that to him.

He has no reason to hurt me. He is not anyone from my past. He wants certain things in his life...and we would not be going this direction if he had not thought about this very carefully.

Right now the biggest fear I am having is...what is facing me in Cleveland....all that I have to do before I go to see Monseigneur E and Linda. It is overwhelming me and I am having tremendous amounts of guilt...over so much.

I have so much I could write about right now...but I am very tired so going to bed.