Yanked

I can't sleep. I am restless. I called Nick because he is a safe place for me. He relaxes me and makes me feel calm again.

I did the cube on him. It was interesting to hear. I won't write about it here because again I don't want to ruin it for anyone.

On Friday it will be a year...of him and I knowing each other. Last year this time of year, I was so depressed. I did not know if I was going to pull out of it...the depression. But Nick really helped me. He was so positive and so sure of me. He made me realize the things that I had buried with the sadness.

Of course after talking with Nick....wished to be snuggle up next to him and feeling safe. I don't like the Libra part of me that wants both sides of the scales. I want to be nothing that I know Monseigneur E will treat me like. And I want the tenderness Nick will give me.

A question Monseigneur E asked me the other day just popped into my head. And it was not a question I was happy to hear. He was right to ask it. I just did not like admitting the truth. Mistress DM could have answered that question for him right now I am sure. She has seen me in this state before.

It comes down to I don't trust myself in these types of situations because of the stress...I don't trust my instincts and even common sense right now because of the stress. I feel like I am walking in a fog....and then other times it feels so clear what I need to do.

Last night I heard several times that I will find what I want....that I have the determination to find it. But what side of the scales do I want more....

A week ago....I was yanked to one side of the scales. I loved it of course LOL The next step will to get on the plane and not get sick on the way! LOL I know I am weird. : )

I wrote about being nothing today....feeling....seeing the images. The thoughts keep playing over and over in my head and I feel the prickling heat rise. And I think of all the time this is going to go on until I go there. Oh my LOL

Nothing....To be nothing....

It is not only to be degraded and humiliated for me...but also to feel the walls being pulled away....to be emptied....to just be. I wish I was feeling that right now....

Maybe I could get to sleep then?