Different Pages

I feel right now I am trying to open up and talk to Monseigneur E but I get to a certain point and then I take the step back over my side of the door. And I don’t trust and so I close up.

He told me today he had 2 choices….when I told him today I wanted to turn off. And he does. I did not expect him to say anything really. I knew how he would handle it before he said. But I have 2 choices too…I can keep trying to open up or I do whatever he wants. The first is what I am doing…the best I can with right now.

I think he believes making a conscious choice to turning off and pulling away would more agonizing then what is happening right now. I disagree. Right now I feel I am doing work to open up, but I am not learning how…and that agony and frustration are making me pull back and draining me.

I am trying to find an analogy to use….but of course nothing is coming to mind. I just feel it takes trust to open up and I am not….feeling I am being given….something to trust. I am know I am not explaining this well. I need to learn to trust him….and the only way I can see is sharing of info and with that sharing…I learn to trust him. And I don’t feel like it is sharing. I feel like I am suppose to open up spill everything out and just keep going.

And I don’t know if I can trust. I don’t know if the info will be used against me. I don’t know I won’t be hurt. And I don’t feel I am getting any help to learn that those things won’t happen.

I mean the more and more….I get to point of going this is just a “visit.” Not a trial. Just a visit. Because I am *trying* and I feel very alone in trying right now.

We talked on the phone today. I am not sure it was a good conversation. I feel like our communication is on different pages all the time. And I want to be on the same page….I feel I try and then I start slip off the page....and he is standing there watching.

He shared lots of his opinions of me today. None of them very flattering. But he is telling me things I don’t think that I need to hear right now. And then he asked me a question that was one of those that I needed to open up on. So I talked….and there would be silence. And so I would say more and then silence. And then say more and silence. And then I got to that point inside where I could not do it anymore because my red flags were going off don’t trust…don’t open up anymore. And so I would feel like I take that step back over my side of the door way again. And here I just opened up gave all this info and feel very unsafe that I did that.